3/12/10

Trust your gut....you're crazy!

Everybody has those gut instincts. You know the ones? Your friend says hi and you immediately know she was recently having sex. Your kid won't look you in the eye so you pretty much know he/she is probably lying to you. Your husband/wife laughs a little too hard at one of your jokes and you know he/she is in ass-kissing mode.

1) Your friend wanted you to know anyway!
2) Damn kids.
3) Hmmmm, ass-kissing mode isn't so easy.

I've been in ass-kissing mode plenty of times. I spent too much on a pair of pants. (Okay, it was a tube top) I forgot to pay a bill. I actually did drink an entire six-pack. But what in the hell is he kissing my ass for?

Yesterday started off like any other day. Kids got off to school okay. Husband got off to work okay. I proceeded to drink my weight in coffee. Typical day. My husband isn't much of a texter but from 9am he began to text me. Just little notes here and there.

1) How are you feeling? (Um, I'm okay.)
2) Kids get to school okay? (Um, don't they always?)
3) Today is dragging ass. (Sorry?)
4) I put in for Patrol in June. (It's about freaking time!)
5) It's supposed to rain. (Great, now he wants to be a weatherman.)

Now, typically, this isn't normal. I'm lucky if I get a, "Hi," or a, "On my way home," text. This is something of a strange phenomenon. And, because it started at 9am, I had all freaking day to wait to see what was going on.

This is where trusting your gut and admitting you're crazy comes to play. Oprah talks about it all the time. Your gut instincts are always right. Are they? That little twinge is your inner voice telling you to pay attention. Is it? Okay Oprah, I'll test this out. Because in all honesty, women are the smarter species here. Men are so oblivious to that fact. I can spot a scam from a mile away. I can see a guilt driven present with the color of the bow. Seriously, don't play a woman because we've seen it all before. We will smile, tilt our head and you won't see the knee coming up at lightning speed to the crotch.

Fast forward. Husband comes home. He offers to take one of the kids to their soccer practice. (Really? Well no shit! I can't be in two places at once. You better take one!) He says he'll go to the older daughter's open house with me. (Why? It's middle school. In and out. Don't bother.) Me and the oldest pick up dinner and return home with our bountiful Chinese platters and husband says, "You are probably the best wife. How'd you know I was craving Chinese food?"

Okay, this is getting ridiculous. What the hell did he do???

Put kids to bed and went on the couch. Husband had remote in hand and said, "What do you want to watch?" Here's my test. "Let's watch today's General Hospital." (Wait for it!)

"Okay." ::click:: Run the General Hospital credits!

Oh good god, I think my husband is having an affair! He must be completely guilt ridden to watch a soap opera. Granted, General Hospital is probably the BEST soap opera but seriously? How bad could this hot, sweaty, adulterous sex had been for him to be this guilt ridden?

Fast forward. I'm getting into bed and just waiting for the shoe to drop, the shit to hit the fan, ANYTHING! This was it. Oprah was right. My marriage could potentially be ending tonight. At least, that's what my gut was telling me. Husband walks in, spends a little too much time plugging in his phone and taking off his watch. He's stalling. I decide to end this. "What's up? You okay?"

His response? "Um, what's your schedule next week?" (He's already planning his next romp in the hay with that whore!)

My response? "Why?"

His end-all of ass-kissing and guilt? "I ordered a bow and it's supposed to be delivered next week. I don't want anybody to steal it."

::silence::

The moral of this story? Never forget who you're married to. Your gut instincts are just little reminders of how crazy you are. If you suspect your spouse is cheating on you, check the bank statement for major purchases of stupidity.

If you can't find anything like that, smile, tilt your head to the left and swiftly bring your knee up into his crotch. Either way, he probably deserves it.

Happy Friday!

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.

4 comments:

  1. Women are probably so good at detecting guilt because they use it all the time. It's like how I'm a great fart detector.

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  2. Ha! I know not what you speak! Guilt? I never! (I don't fart either but that's for another post) ;)

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  3. I love General Hospital!!! But don't you just want to shoot Elizabeth!! I mean come one in the real world when you have 3 kids with different Dad's and each time your pregnant you have to get a paternity test???? You are just a plain whore...No one would feel sorry for you and put you in a nut house! They would just talk about what a slut you are behind your back!

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  4. I find it rather amusing that Elizabeth is the new Sonny. Seriously? Y'all don't use birth control? I mean, they can at least count, right? I think she's right where she belongs but I'm absolutely hating the whole freaking paternity test/fake results scenerio. I've seen this story before....like a freaking million times! Okay, I digress. No more soap opera talk. ;)

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