1) You don't have a tube top dress on.
2) You can't hold your liquor.
3) You frequently find yourself at the end of the night needing to climb on a table and performing a dance that would make a pervert blush.
Okay, so there are probably more rules to that disclaimer but I'll add on as I continue writing. Oh! Remembered another one already!
4) Your shot making skills are crap.
As the night began an hour early, that last disclaimer actually benefitted me. Nobody knew how to make a Jagerbomb. Seriously? How does one not know that? So scoot over boys, Jeanie's coming through! I'm adding some rules to follow along with the disclaimers.
5) Bring your own shot glasses to the party because big red plastic cups are so not shot worthy.
After three shots that were created to perfection, I reminded my husband of what an ass he made of himself the last year and proudly said, "It's my turn buddy. You keep your ass in check and watch mine tonight." I had the stellar tube top dress on, the compfy heels on and my hair was probably the best it had ever looked in months.
6) Don't tell anybody how much your dress cost because they will in turn look at their wive's dress and say, "How much did you spend on your dress?" (Sorry Christy)
Of course, that last disclaimer bit me in the ass when I told Jerry that I looked like a $5 hooker and he replied, "Well yeah but I'd probably spend $10 on ya." (Thanks Jerry)
7) When saving a table and somebody asks if they can sit with you, don't snicker and laugh, saying, "No, this is the cool table."
But seriously, if you weren't already invited to sit with us, you probably shouldn't have asked. Oh people can be so stupid sometimes. I sat next to my husband on my left and my friend Nita to my right. My husband has a tendency to speak more to his left so I had already knew I needed somebody to my right. (Thanks Nita)
8) When the food arrives, scarf it down as fast as you can because when the award ceremony starts, you can vacate the bore and smoke a cigarette or head to the bar.
9) Claiming a nut allergy will provide hours and hours of dirty jokes. (Thanks again Nita)
10) When there is a lady walking around with a camera asking if she can take your picture, make sure you say loudly, "I am SUCH a picture whore!" Then smile and stick your tits out. Next year's banquet will have about 10+ picture of me. Can't. Freaking. Wait!
11) Don't be afraid to make an ass out of yourself in front of your husband/wive's boss. Trust me, they'll finally understand why your significant other is so difficult to work with.
I got told by my husband's leutinant, "You're a crazy bitch aren't you?" My reply? "And this surprises you? Have you met my husband?"
12) When needing a late night snack, DO NOT bring a bag full of tacos to the party because people will talk shit behind your back.
But seriously, all you assholes knew I was going. Ya shoulda spoke up cause I may look like a $5 hooker but I ain't buying you tacos!
13) Try not to climb on a table when "Tik Tok" comes on the radio.
No, this wasn't me. It was a fellow wife that went with another couple. Her husband had to work. The story is, he is going to kick her ass when he finds out she made an ass out of herself.
14) Embrace when another wife makes an ass out of herself.
Because my husband forgave me for everything when he saw the table dancer. I could've stripped and he still would've thought I was perfect. (Thank you wife that I don't know your name)
15) When you look at the clock and see that it's 4am, try to remember that you aren't under the age of 30 and GO TO BED!
Half of these kids that are cops are all rookies AND are under the age of 30. There is no shame in saying that you are going to bed.
And finally. 16) Don't be afraid to start stripping in the elevator.
Because if you're lucky, when the elevators open, there will be somebody waiting to get in the elevator on floor 3 to ride all the way up to floor 18 with you. Ah, good times, good times. Even luckier, it will be a fellow police officer. My. Husband. Is. Going. To. Kill. Me.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
