Let it go Louie!

Hi everybody! It's been awhile and a lot has happened but I won't be updating you on the past 7 months, I promise.

Today I wanna talk about the past. You ever have a couple days where the same lesson keeps happening over and over again so you think some cosmic karma is trying to hit you over the head. "Hey! Pay attention!" I had my best friend/brother in law down over the past 4 days. We have a history longer than the history I share with my husband (his actual brother). Him and I have experienced some life lessons together that still affect us today.

I was watching Gene Simmons Family Jewels yesterday. This guy has been with the same woman for over 28 years but finally just married her. He didn't believe in the sanctity of marriage but also believed since he wasn't married, he could cheat on her whenever his dick pointed him in the wrong direction. So the episodes were of his transformation from a playboy to a married man. I was crying the entire time. Hey, I'm a sap. I cry at weddings. Something was bugging the crap out of me though. All his friends kept saying things so unsupportive to him. It was like all of these "close friends" were basically reminding him what a loser he was. Here is this guy that is taking this giant leap into a new life and all his friends and family are poking him with his past. Why? It was their wedding reception and people were toasting him like it was a roast. Let it go Louie! What we were doesn't make us what we are!


My father has a tradition. It's a holiday tradition, usually done over dinner. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, you name it, if we are eating an elaborate dinner as a family, he's keeping up the tradition. What's the tradition? He tells the same stories of my mistakes and blunders. Sure, some of em are funny as hell but most of em aren't me anymore. How many times must I be reminded what I horrible child I was or how many hairs he lost with me growing up? I'm ::age omitted:: years old dangit! Let it go Louie! I'm not that girl anymore. Sure, I still have a smidge of a "me" complex where I sometimes think, "What about me?" but I'm a mother and a wife. I am aware that it's not all about me. It can't be.

I think it bothers me though because it means I'll never be forgiven. My mistakes will always be my middle name. The definition of my life will be every lie, every mistake and every selfish act I did. That's not fair! I don't do that to people. Do I?

Shit, I totally do.

Since 1992, my date for my high school reunion was always going to be my brother in law/best friend. Why? Well, my husband hated EVERYBODY in my class. Why would I bring him to my reunion? He seemed a little hurt by that when I informed him that I didn't wanna bring him. Of course, as I considered it, he said something reminiscent of 20 years prior like, "Nobody better fuck with me though or look at you!" But who am I to expect others to forgive and forget my past when I can't even do the same for my husband? Forgiveness doesn't condone behavior, it gives a freedom to go forward. I guess I've got a date to my high school reunion to ask. :)

So as I have a lot of things I wish people would forgive me for, I too need to forgive and as I say, "Let it go Louie!" I will try not to bring up a past behavior that hasn't resurfaced since that day. I will no longer allow a moment that still makes me cry when I speak of it to control me. I will almost always look at you as you are today, not how you were yesterday. I will embrace who I am today and accept that what happened before is what got me here.

I had to say goodbye yesterday and watch my best friend/brother in law leave again. I cried of course but I also felt a sense of relief. All of the things that we had experienced together, been angry about, still to this day tear up about aren't worth the effort. Just the fact that we share em should be enough. We've been giving em so much power all of these years but have never even considered letting em go. Well, no more.

Let it go Louie!

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.