Change of Plans

For a couple days now I've been reevaluating the decision to go back to work. No, I'm not going to quit. I've never been a quitter. My reevaluation is how I'm going to look at it.

1) I have no idea what I'm doing.
2) I'm not going to personify that I know what I'm doing.
3) I am an idiot.

If I take those three things into consideration, I think I may actually finally get this working thing again.

I have always done the opposite of these guidelines for every major change in my life and I think that's been my primary problem. Motherhood is a good example of this. I had no idea what I was doing when my first daughter was born. The day my mom left San Diego back to Texas, I think my daughter knew it too. The mayhem that ensued for four weeks after that abandonment was astronomical.

I finally learned the reason and possible offense of shaken baby syndrome during those four weeks. There were times where I wanted to throw my poor defenseless baby against the wall so I could take a 20 minute nap. I didn't but the idea struck me more than once.

When my second daughter was born, I expected the worse. I got the best. I think my second daughter sensed that I knew what I was doing and I was prepared for anything she threw at me. She didn't throw anything at me that I couldn't handle. Of course, I didn't know what I was doing. It had been four years since I cared for a newborn. I didn't fake it though. I went into it knowing I was an idiot and accepted that fact. I can say with absolute honesty, I never wanted to smother my second daughter with a pillow so I could take a nap on that pillow.

So today, when I walk into work, I am going to accept that I am an idiot. I know what needs to happen in order for me to NOT be an idiot. I plan on embracing my non-ability to soak in too much information. I also plan on voicing my confusion if it comes up. The consensus of everyone that knows me is, I am going to get this. Okay people, if you believe that I am going to get this, I guess I'll believe you and just suck it up. I'm going to embrace the suck.

Wish me luck! This idiot is going to need all the luck in the world. Happy Thursday!

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.

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