I had a conversation with my father the other day. He was rolling his eyes while I whined about how tired I had been lately with my new shift at work. For a reminder, I'm working 24 hours now in the pharmacy. Compared to my 13 hours I worked previously and the 0 hours I worked before that. I'm also working until 5:30pm on those work days so I am no longer free to leave when the going gets tough. I have to stay and wade through the muck of late drop-offs and add flu shots. I. Am. In. Hell.
So anyway, my father loves me. He really does but he finds my exhaustion a joke. And even funnier, he's right. My father has worked for over 50 years at a 40+ hour a week job his entire life. He's managed people, he's yelled at people, he's fired people. He's done it all. In fact, he's done what "most" working people have done. I have never worked a 40 hour week in my entire lifetime. I've worked "maybe" 32 hours but never more. Yes, I know, you can roll your eyes too. I rolled my eyes as well with that epiphany.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a lot of things. I wanted to be a Special Ed. teacher. I wanted to be pediatrician. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to be a lot of things actually but the journey to be those people required.....an education past high school. I'm not a stupid woman. I'm pretty smart actually, but I hated school. I lasted three weeks in college....junior college that is but it was 3 weeks. My parents were smart. They said they wouldn't pay for the first semester but they would pay for the second semester. I never made it to semester two. Money well saved.
All I wanted to be was a mother. I wanted to be married. I wanted kids. But most of all, I just wanted "life" to start. You remember that feeling? When you're young and you can't wait to be an "adult" so you can do whatever you want? But now you're an "adult" and you can't quite figure out what the hell you were waiting for. I don't necessarily feel that way, I know what I was waiting for. I just wish I would've savored the freedom of being young. It wasn't really all that bad. Why did I rush to the responsibilities of being an adult? Why couldn't I dig my toes in the sand a little longer and embrace the simplicity of being a kid without a care in the world?
So on this day of non-labor, I plan on spending it with my kids and observing the simplicity of being a kid. I plan on sitting with my parents and embracing the act of being an adult with the people I rebelled against so long ago. And then maybe later? I'm gonna crack open a beer and toast to the fact that I majorly screwed up rushing toward a life as an adult. And then after the toast, I'm gonna go to bed because I have to go to work tomorrow. :) Happy Labor Day everybody. I'll see ya tomorrow. The "Other" Monday of the week.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
6/4/10
Schools OUT!
Am I the only parent that loves when school is out? I don't think I am but I know a lot of people that like the schedule of school. I like a schedule, don't get me wrong. Shit, my life is a freaking schedule now. But there is nothing sweeter than silence in the morning. There is no need to yell out, "Get UP!" Not once have I said the sentence, "Hurry UP!"
Okay, reality check. In about a month, I'm probably going to post a blog about how I hate summer because the kids have said, "I'm bored. There's nothing to do." Granted, with the kids being older, they can pretty much find ways to occupy their bored times in the form of some technological device. That's what I do when I'm bored. {{dirty thought}}
I'm so incredibly exhausted. I'm so tired, that on a regular basis, I act drunk because my mind is so exhausted. No, I'm really not drunk....I swear. I don't remember things I should remember. I don't recognize people that I should recognize. I say things that don't make sense. And lastly, my writing is kind of suffering too. And don't think I don't sleep. Oh, I sleep alright. It's just even in my sleep, my mind is buzzing. I dream of diabetes. I dream of numbers. I dream of syringes. I dream of expired insulin. I dream of over feeding M with french fries. When I wake up, I feel like I've ran a marathon...well, a 5K cause I'll never be in shape enough to run a marathon.
Because I'm so exhausted, my social skills are suffering. I don't have the energy to be a social butterfly. I don't even have the energy to be a hermit. And sure, there are little glimpses of who I used to be here and there but the glimpses are fleeting.
Today, I'm going back to work. I'm a little worried about M but there's nothing I can do. My mother, bless her heart, told me to quit. Thanks mom. That's the last thing you should tell somebody. I know though, she's thinking with what happened to M, I need to focus all my energy on her. I know, I get that but I truly don't have anymore energy that I'm already giving her. You see, when I sleep, I'm thinking about it. When I'm awake, I'm thinking about it. Watching TV, every other commercial is about a meter or diabetes. Reading a magazine, every 5 pages is an advertisement for a glucose meter. It's freaking everywhere! I'm not in lala land, trying to avoid the issue. Trust me, my energy is all on this.
So today, I hope to discover at work that putting another task in front of me will make me relax. And I know it's weird to think that a busy pharmacy will be relaxing but hey, a girl can dream yanno? I know that I'm going to look at the clock today and wonder if M had her snack, or what her blood sugar was, or if she ate lunch but even with that....at least my energy will be distributed among other things too.
I'm fooling myself, aren't I? Have a great Friday people! I'll see you all on Monday, bright and early!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
Okay, reality check. In about a month, I'm probably going to post a blog about how I hate summer because the kids have said, "I'm bored. There's nothing to do." Granted, with the kids being older, they can pretty much find ways to occupy their bored times in the form of some technological device. That's what I do when I'm bored. {{dirty thought}}
I'm so incredibly exhausted. I'm so tired, that on a regular basis, I act drunk because my mind is so exhausted. No, I'm really not drunk....I swear. I don't remember things I should remember. I don't recognize people that I should recognize. I say things that don't make sense. And lastly, my writing is kind of suffering too. And don't think I don't sleep. Oh, I sleep alright. It's just even in my sleep, my mind is buzzing. I dream of diabetes. I dream of numbers. I dream of syringes. I dream of expired insulin. I dream of over feeding M with french fries. When I wake up, I feel like I've ran a marathon...well, a 5K cause I'll never be in shape enough to run a marathon.
Because I'm so exhausted, my social skills are suffering. I don't have the energy to be a social butterfly. I don't even have the energy to be a hermit. And sure, there are little glimpses of who I used to be here and there but the glimpses are fleeting.
Today, I'm going back to work. I'm a little worried about M but there's nothing I can do. My mother, bless her heart, told me to quit. Thanks mom. That's the last thing you should tell somebody. I know though, she's thinking with what happened to M, I need to focus all my energy on her. I know, I get that but I truly don't have anymore energy that I'm already giving her. You see, when I sleep, I'm thinking about it. When I'm awake, I'm thinking about it. Watching TV, every other commercial is about a meter or diabetes. Reading a magazine, every 5 pages is an advertisement for a glucose meter. It's freaking everywhere! I'm not in lala land, trying to avoid the issue. Trust me, my energy is all on this.
So today, I hope to discover at work that putting another task in front of me will make me relax. And I know it's weird to think that a busy pharmacy will be relaxing but hey, a girl can dream yanno? I know that I'm going to look at the clock today and wonder if M had her snack, or what her blood sugar was, or if she ate lunch but even with that....at least my energy will be distributed among other things too.
I'm fooling myself, aren't I? Have a great Friday people! I'll see you all on Monday, bright and early!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
5/31/10
This is Why.
Happy Memorial Day! Since I am married to a Marine, I have the honor of knowing a lot of brave people that fight for our country. Thank you!
Being Monday, I should be at work but being a holiday, some other poor soul is at work. I was supposed to work tomorrow but my boss, Dennis Hopper, gave me the day off to continue to acclimate with M. I feel a teeny bit bad calling him Dennis Hopper....just a teeny bit. ;) There are only three more school days left so this week marks how next year for school, and every year thereafter will be. I have to put my trust in people to make sure my daughter is safe while she's away. My friend said it must feel like Kindergarten. It is EXACTLY like Kindergarten! I'm trying very hard not to baby M or make her feel like she's precious cargo. That is very hard to do but I'm getting it.
She still has to clean her room. Oh and guess what? She still bitches about it like she did before.
She still has to be nice to her sister. Oh and guess what? They still argue like little whiny bitches whenever they get a minute.
There were moments last week where I lost myself for a bit. I didn't feel like I'd ever be the same. I mean, how could I? My heart is broken and my head is always buzzing. But three days at home made me realize some things.
All I heard last week was diabetes doesn't end your life or it's dreams. Oh yah? Nowhere in mine or M's dreams did she have diabetes and have to inject insulin into her body four times a day. And I know why they did it. They don't want you to stop living just because you have diabetes. It's a sweet sentiment and to a kid, I bet it's a welcome statement. To a parent, whenever I heard it, I wanted to kick someone's ass. I didn't though. I just nodded my head and hoped M was listening.
You see, at first, all I could think about was the future. The long road ahead. My head was buzzing with things we had to do and wonders of how we would do it. My husband (the asshole) was doing the same thing but instead of wondering, he was basically saying, we've got stuff to do, this isn't gonna work. In my opinion, we kind of complimented each other in our way of thinking. We kind of met each other in the middle because the middle was where we were supposed to be. The middle was the present moment. No thoughts of anything but the task at hand. The moment. M was our moment. All that mattered was M and how to get her through this moment.
And finally, in a weird way, this couldn't have happened to a better kid. I know kids are resilient but M displayed bravery and strength that even inspired me. And with that, I also have to add that it couldn't have happened to better parents either. When things got too heavy or somber, I always had to lighten the mood. (I knew that quality would come in handy one of these days!) I even discovered that M has a knack for the inappropriate jokes. I'm not going to be the type of person that stops living because it's safer. I don't want to hold M back from anything. I never want M to feel that she's ruined things because it's not easy to have fun anymore with four times a day testing and injections. My husband is the organizer. He was made for this. His OCD of placing things in the exact place and knowing it was moved is going to pay off. And K, she is here to remind M that life didn't stop or change. She's still gonna bug the shit out of her!
We were made for this. We got this.
Tomorrow is Tuesday, and my last carpool. It will be a somber day. 1) Because I'll have to say goodbye to carpool convos for awhile. 2) Because I'm giving my daughter to the school and trusting they won't kill her. :) Just kidding, they're actually trained professionals....it's me and daddy that y'all have to worry about killing her. Have a great Monday!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
Being Monday, I should be at work but being a holiday, some other poor soul is at work. I was supposed to work tomorrow but my boss, Dennis Hopper, gave me the day off to continue to acclimate with M. I feel a teeny bit bad calling him Dennis Hopper....just a teeny bit. ;) There are only three more school days left so this week marks how next year for school, and every year thereafter will be. I have to put my trust in people to make sure my daughter is safe while she's away. My friend said it must feel like Kindergarten. It is EXACTLY like Kindergarten! I'm trying very hard not to baby M or make her feel like she's precious cargo. That is very hard to do but I'm getting it.
She still has to clean her room. Oh and guess what? She still bitches about it like she did before.
She still has to be nice to her sister. Oh and guess what? They still argue like little whiny bitches whenever they get a minute.
There were moments last week where I lost myself for a bit. I didn't feel like I'd ever be the same. I mean, how could I? My heart is broken and my head is always buzzing. But three days at home made me realize some things.
All I heard last week was diabetes doesn't end your life or it's dreams. Oh yah? Nowhere in mine or M's dreams did she have diabetes and have to inject insulin into her body four times a day. And I know why they did it. They don't want you to stop living just because you have diabetes. It's a sweet sentiment and to a kid, I bet it's a welcome statement. To a parent, whenever I heard it, I wanted to kick someone's ass. I didn't though. I just nodded my head and hoped M was listening.
You see, at first, all I could think about was the future. The long road ahead. My head was buzzing with things we had to do and wonders of how we would do it. My husband (the asshole) was doing the same thing but instead of wondering, he was basically saying, we've got stuff to do, this isn't gonna work. In my opinion, we kind of complimented each other in our way of thinking. We kind of met each other in the middle because the middle was where we were supposed to be. The middle was the present moment. No thoughts of anything but the task at hand. The moment. M was our moment. All that mattered was M and how to get her through this moment.
And finally, in a weird way, this couldn't have happened to a better kid. I know kids are resilient but M displayed bravery and strength that even inspired me. And with that, I also have to add that it couldn't have happened to better parents either. When things got too heavy or somber, I always had to lighten the mood. (I knew that quality would come in handy one of these days!) I even discovered that M has a knack for the inappropriate jokes. I'm not going to be the type of person that stops living because it's safer. I don't want to hold M back from anything. I never want M to feel that she's ruined things because it's not easy to have fun anymore with four times a day testing and injections. My husband is the organizer. He was made for this. His OCD of placing things in the exact place and knowing it was moved is going to pay off. And K, she is here to remind M that life didn't stop or change. She's still gonna bug the shit out of her!
We were made for this. We got this.
Tomorrow is Tuesday, and my last carpool. It will be a somber day. 1) Because I'll have to say goodbye to carpool convos for awhile. 2) Because I'm giving my daughter to the school and trusting they won't kill her. :) Just kidding, they're actually trained professionals....it's me and daddy that y'all have to worry about killing her. Have a great Monday!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
5/7/10
"I Had a Bad Dream"
Poor Katie. She sometimes has these dreams that are bad. They tear her apart and she falls to pieces. She is the biggest cuddle bug when it happens though so I don't mind being woken up at 3am with em.
I don't sleep like the dead. I'm a mom. Any sound I hear or "not-sound" I hear wakes me up and prevents me from relaxing until I find the culprit of what woke me up. When my husband used to come home late from work, he'd try so hard to creep in like a ninja but every time, I'd wake up.
Anywho!
Katie suffers from the dream that we all know about. The dream we've been having over and over. It pops up like an old friend and you've had it so many times, you know it's a dream but you still dream like it's real. My dream is always about a house I grew up in in Florida. I wasn't there for very long but that is always my setting. I'm looking for something and I have to find it before the bad man gets it. The bad man is after me too. I still have no clue what I'm looking for and what's going to happen when I find it.
Katie dreams about falling through ice. She can't get out and there's this girl in the ice that keeps her from getting out. Her daddy always saves her. I'm there too but I'm too worried about getting my hair wet to save her. When she wakes up from this dream, she's breathless and she's very mad at me. I always have to convince her that I really would save her. I wouldn't worry about my hair and I'd be the first one in the ice to get her. It takes about an hour to calm her down. When she finally begins to drift off to sleep, she says, "You really do have pretty hair."
God, you could bottle her cuteness and sell it for a million dollars I tell ya!
Lately, I've been dreaming of Facebook. It's so ridiculous. I read imaginary emails. I get imaginary friend requests. Yah, me thinks I'm spending way too much time on Facebook. There is one thing I have to admit though. When I wake up from my Facebook dream, I always feel like I really did reconnect with whoever sent me the imaginary email. I know....I need medication. Gimme a break, my life is boring and I like it that way. I have my schedule to abide by. I have my appointments that I keep. And most of all, there is always a beer waiting for me in the fridge.
It's Friday today! I'm probably working with Dennis Hopper this morning. I also think we are going to have an influx of technicians at 1:30pm. Too many technicians mean I am usually annoyed very easily. It's not that big of a place to cram "know-it-alls" in one place. But I will prevail. There are no soccer games this weekend. My husband is checking out some land for his 2010 hunting lease. I am desperately in need of a grocery trip. My oldest has been in a bad mood for about a week now. My youngest is still grounded. See?
Boring. :) Have a great day!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
I don't sleep like the dead. I'm a mom. Any sound I hear or "not-sound" I hear wakes me up and prevents me from relaxing until I find the culprit of what woke me up. When my husband used to come home late from work, he'd try so hard to creep in like a ninja but every time, I'd wake up.
Anywho!
Katie suffers from the dream that we all know about. The dream we've been having over and over. It pops up like an old friend and you've had it so many times, you know it's a dream but you still dream like it's real. My dream is always about a house I grew up in in Florida. I wasn't there for very long but that is always my setting. I'm looking for something and I have to find it before the bad man gets it. The bad man is after me too. I still have no clue what I'm looking for and what's going to happen when I find it.
Katie dreams about falling through ice. She can't get out and there's this girl in the ice that keeps her from getting out. Her daddy always saves her. I'm there too but I'm too worried about getting my hair wet to save her. When she wakes up from this dream, she's breathless and she's very mad at me. I always have to convince her that I really would save her. I wouldn't worry about my hair and I'd be the first one in the ice to get her. It takes about an hour to calm her down. When she finally begins to drift off to sleep, she says, "You really do have pretty hair."
God, you could bottle her cuteness and sell it for a million dollars I tell ya!
Lately, I've been dreaming of Facebook. It's so ridiculous. I read imaginary emails. I get imaginary friend requests. Yah, me thinks I'm spending way too much time on Facebook. There is one thing I have to admit though. When I wake up from my Facebook dream, I always feel like I really did reconnect with whoever sent me the imaginary email. I know....I need medication. Gimme a break, my life is boring and I like it that way. I have my schedule to abide by. I have my appointments that I keep. And most of all, there is always a beer waiting for me in the fridge.
It's Friday today! I'm probably working with Dennis Hopper this morning. I also think we are going to have an influx of technicians at 1:30pm. Too many technicians mean I am usually annoyed very easily. It's not that big of a place to cram "know-it-alls" in one place. But I will prevail. There are no soccer games this weekend. My husband is checking out some land for his 2010 hunting lease. I am desperately in need of a grocery trip. My oldest has been in a bad mood for about a week now. My youngest is still grounded. See?
Boring. :) Have a great day!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
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