I'm not going to talk about Twilight's Eclipse....but it was a great movie! :)
I'm gonna take it back to the days when I would talk about my husband. You remember him? The guy who's kind of an asshole? There are certain rules I have to abide by with him. They aren't hard. They are quite understandable. Number one rule? Don't make him look like an asshole in front of ANYBODY!
What does that mean?
Well, I can't skool him in front of strangers that'll never see him again in his lifetime. Here's an example.
Upon leaving a Best Buy when we were in California, my husband and I were leaving the store. My husband proceeded to go out the IN door. I yelled out, "The door says IN dumbass!" Now this was in front of the door greeter. Whoopsie! Oh there was hell to pay for that one. Trust me, I didn't pay much attention to the scolding that ensued but I could tell from the look on his face that he was pissed.
Another example is making him look like an idiot in front of friends or family. It's not always easy to make him look like an idiot mind you, so when there's a chance, I can't help it. Here's an example.
In San Francisco, my husband asks me and M (the diabetic) if we wanted ice cream. Now M has been a diabetic for a month now. Where in the schedule does an impromptu ice cream cone appear? So what did I do? I "kindly" said, "No, we won't have any ice cream because um....god you're a dumbass." Now I said this in front of his brother and girlfriend/wife. Big mistake. But seriously, DUMBASS!!! Oh he scolded me for that one too. I think he "ignored" me for like an hour....or a minute....who knows, I wasn't paying attention anyway.
See? Rules. Sometimes I respect them but sometimes my bitch side comes out and it can't be helped.
Now one might ask, does he abide by the same rules? I think he does. I'm not really one of those people that really give a crap about what people think of me. I can actually recognize the futility of being embarrassed in front of perfect strangers and being mad about it. But yesterday! Oh here we go.
My friend G comes over to "play." That just means we sit out back drinking beer, smoking cigarettes and talking shit. I hadn't seen her since I left for California. So we're just having a pleasant conversation and my husband proceeds to come out with an iPod USB plug that appears to be broken. The casing is missing and it's just a shell of a USB plug.
Husband: Did you do this?
Me: Um....no.
Husband: Well the kids say they didn't do it so who did it?
Me: Maybe the gerbil that got out did it?
Husband: The gerbil??? No seriously, did you do this?
(Now at this point, I can tell he isn't kidding.)
Me: Why the fuck would I do that?
Husband: I don't know, that's why I'm asking.
(At this point, I've started to ignore him and tell G about the gerbil that got out. Husband huffs and goes back inside. When G leaves....oh, it continued.)
Me: What the hell was that outside??
Husband: I just asked why the USB plug was stripped and if you did it.
Me: I didn't jackass. And check yourself, I'm 35...not 2. Take it back a notch Officer.
Husband: I'm just sick of working my ass off and finding shit broken. This is ridiculous.
Me: Well, seeing as that USB plug is almost 6 years old, I think it's run it's course. Now kindly step back, think about it and I'll be waiting for your apology when you realize what a jerk you were. You'd be pissed if I did that in front of one of your friends.
This went back and forth. So my question is, seriously, what the hell was that about? I just don't get it sometimes. And I'm not gonna be all pathetic and think, "Poor me," but dammit! Was he flexing his husband muscles....in front of my girlfriend? Was he feeling left out? I mean, I've been trying to make this transition to night shift as simple as possible. I've made sure dinner was somewhat early. I've done the soccer game, the doctor visit. I didn't do those things solo to bring it up. I did it because that's my job. I don't resent it. He offered to do both of those things with me but I told him to get some sleep. Trust me, I don't want to burn the guy out with lack of sleep. I can do this. But seriously, what the hell was that about?
Phew, vent over. It's Hump Day....I'm off work and we got paid. Time to bring that massive balance down to $0 again.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
Showing posts with label cops. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cops. Show all posts
6/3/10
Sorry I was Absent Yesterday. :(
My husband and I had a busy day yesterday. We had our first class. It was called English Diabetes 101. It was basically a refresher course of sorts from last week but I got a lot more out of it. My husband? Yah, he would've rather been home sleeping. I think it's the idea that we have to be "taught" how to take care of OUR child that he's resenting. He doesn't quite get that we actually need help now understanding. He's just looking at it like a man being told he's WRONG!
However, in sitting with a man that really didn't want to be there, I did laugh a bit more than I have in the last week. Laughing to me is almost surprising. It's like when someone dies and the first time you laugh, it surprises you and you think, "Am I allowed to laugh yet?" The answer is yes, you are allowed to laugh. You are allowed to cry and most important, whatever emotion you're having, embrace it.
So we had four sets of people in the class. We had the over protective mom that is really pissed off that diabetes has changed her life. (I totally relate to this woman but I'm not as bitchy about it.) SHOCKER! We had the quiet mom and grandmother that doesn't quite understand this disease and feel sad for their son because he was diagnosed on his 6th birthday. (Yah, that one broke my heart.) We had the couple with a 5 year old. The mom was more understanding of the disease but the dad was desperately trying to appear like he got it MORE! (He had a Northeastern accent that boomed throughout the conference room. Highly annoyed my husband.) And finally there was me and my husband. The couple that complimented each other. My husband with the look of, "When's lunch?" Me with the eye rolls of, "God please don't let him embarrass me."
Turns out, we were the misfits of the class. Go us! The question being asked by the other sets were a little scary. We were the most recently diagnosed family and their questions made us feel like we ruled! Of course, I learned a lot and left feeling like life isn't really that difficult if you follow the plan. I had to get that out because when you see the conversations my husband and I had...it may not seem like we were listening.
Husband: This is ridiculous!
Me: Oh pipe down, it's lunch time.
Husband: I hope they ask us to critique this class because I've got some things to say.
Me: Oh good lord, what?
Husband: Um....like if you say lunch is at 11:30am...maybe you should send us to lunch at 11:30!!!
Me: It's. 11:40am.
Husband: Again, if we're in a class about abiding by a diabetes schedule, they should prolly abide by a schedule too.
Me: I didn't realize you were diabetic too.
Husband: Oh shut up....I'm freaking starving.
Me: If I give you my moon pie, will YOU shut up?
Husband: I love how they're allowing us to go to lunch. Are they paying us to come to this class?
Me: I wish I brought my earphones so I wouldn't have to listen to your bitching at lunch.
Husband: Are you really giving me your moon pie?
Me: ::sigh:: If you quite whinebaggin, you may have my moon pie. :)
After going back after lunch, he conveniently forgot about the "No Whinebaggin" rule.
Husband: These freaking chairs are uncomfortable.
Me: Would you rather have diabetes for the rest of your life or sit in these chairs for 6 hours?
Husband: Hmmmmmmmm, tough call. I mean, really, it's a hard decision seeing as I've already been sitting in them for 3 hours.
Me: You're an idiot.
Husband: No, I'm just freaking uncomfortable in these chairs! How come the teacher gets a cushioned chair?
Me: I don't freaking know. Seriously, shut up.
Husband: I'm so gonna steal it.
Me: Why do you insist of making us the most hated parents in the room?
Husband: How's me needing a cushion for my ass make me hated?
::He totally switched the chairs. Then when he sat down, he moved his shirt so they would see his gun and badge::
Me: You're kidding, right?
Husband: Nope! I dare her to take it back.
She didn't but she noticed her chair was missing.
And finally, class was almost over. We could see the traffic on the highway! So ready to say goodbye to the hospital. Mr. Northeastern Accent decides it was time to start asking questions. I wish I could've got a picture but the look on my husband's face made me pigsnort. He looked like he was going to kill someone...and we knew who he wanted to kill.
Me: What are you thinking right now? ::snort::
Husband: Me? Oh that I wanna kick this guy's ass.
Me: I know, I could feel it. The air around me smelled like smoke and heavier.
Husband: I don't think it was a good idea to bring my gun.
Me: Oh shut up!
Husband: No seriously, this guy needs an ass whooping. I'm hungry again. You got any snacks in that bag of tricks of yours?
Me: I have some low carb fruit snacks.
Husband: SCORE!
::crackle crackle shake shake chomp chomp::
Husband: Oh ugh, these taste like the inside of a monkey's ass.
Me: I swear, I'm gonna move.
Husband: ::whispering:: But they really do!
Me: Your over exageration of the yuck meter on those is ridiculous. A monkey's ass?
Husband: I wouldn't even share em with Mister McI talk too much....they're that bad.
Me: I have a shortbread cookie but it's carb free and I'm afraid of the next analogy.
And then it was over. We came home and life returned to normal. Or as normal as it can be. Have a great Thursday people. I missed you yesterday!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
However, in sitting with a man that really didn't want to be there, I did laugh a bit more than I have in the last week. Laughing to me is almost surprising. It's like when someone dies and the first time you laugh, it surprises you and you think, "Am I allowed to laugh yet?" The answer is yes, you are allowed to laugh. You are allowed to cry and most important, whatever emotion you're having, embrace it.
So we had four sets of people in the class. We had the over protective mom that is really pissed off that diabetes has changed her life. (I totally relate to this woman but I'm not as bitchy about it.) SHOCKER! We had the quiet mom and grandmother that doesn't quite understand this disease and feel sad for their son because he was diagnosed on his 6th birthday. (Yah, that one broke my heart.) We had the couple with a 5 year old. The mom was more understanding of the disease but the dad was desperately trying to appear like he got it MORE! (He had a Northeastern accent that boomed throughout the conference room. Highly annoyed my husband.) And finally there was me and my husband. The couple that complimented each other. My husband with the look of, "When's lunch?" Me with the eye rolls of, "God please don't let him embarrass me."
Turns out, we were the misfits of the class. Go us! The question being asked by the other sets were a little scary. We were the most recently diagnosed family and their questions made us feel like we ruled! Of course, I learned a lot and left feeling like life isn't really that difficult if you follow the plan. I had to get that out because when you see the conversations my husband and I had...it may not seem like we were listening.
Husband: This is ridiculous!
Me: Oh pipe down, it's lunch time.
Husband: I hope they ask us to critique this class because I've got some things to say.
Me: Oh good lord, what?
Husband: Um....like if you say lunch is at 11:30am...maybe you should send us to lunch at 11:30!!!
Me: It's. 11:40am.
Husband: Again, if we're in a class about abiding by a diabetes schedule, they should prolly abide by a schedule too.
Me: I didn't realize you were diabetic too.
Husband: Oh shut up....I'm freaking starving.
Me: If I give you my moon pie, will YOU shut up?
Husband: I love how they're allowing us to go to lunch. Are they paying us to come to this class?
Me: I wish I brought my earphones so I wouldn't have to listen to your bitching at lunch.
Husband: Are you really giving me your moon pie?
Me: ::sigh:: If you quite whinebaggin, you may have my moon pie. :)
After going back after lunch, he conveniently forgot about the "No Whinebaggin" rule.
Husband: These freaking chairs are uncomfortable.
Me: Would you rather have diabetes for the rest of your life or sit in these chairs for 6 hours?
Husband: Hmmmmmmmm, tough call. I mean, really, it's a hard decision seeing as I've already been sitting in them for 3 hours.
Me: You're an idiot.
Husband: No, I'm just freaking uncomfortable in these chairs! How come the teacher gets a cushioned chair?
Me: I don't freaking know. Seriously, shut up.
Husband: I'm so gonna steal it.
Me: Why do you insist of making us the most hated parents in the room?
Husband: How's me needing a cushion for my ass make me hated?
::He totally switched the chairs. Then when he sat down, he moved his shirt so they would see his gun and badge::
Me: You're kidding, right?
Husband: Nope! I dare her to take it back.
She didn't but she noticed her chair was missing.
And finally, class was almost over. We could see the traffic on the highway! So ready to say goodbye to the hospital. Mr. Northeastern Accent decides it was time to start asking questions. I wish I could've got a picture but the look on my husband's face made me pigsnort. He looked like he was going to kill someone...and we knew who he wanted to kill.
Me: What are you thinking right now? ::snort::
Husband: Me? Oh that I wanna kick this guy's ass.
Me: I know, I could feel it. The air around me smelled like smoke and heavier.
Husband: I don't think it was a good idea to bring my gun.
Me: Oh shut up!
Husband: No seriously, this guy needs an ass whooping. I'm hungry again. You got any snacks in that bag of tricks of yours?
Me: I have some low carb fruit snacks.
Husband: SCORE!
::crackle crackle shake shake chomp chomp::
Husband: Oh ugh, these taste like the inside of a monkey's ass.
Me: I swear, I'm gonna move.
Husband: ::whispering:: But they really do!
Me: Your over exageration of the yuck meter on those is ridiculous. A monkey's ass?
Husband: I wouldn't even share em with Mister McI talk too much....they're that bad.
Me: I have a shortbread cookie but it's carb free and I'm afraid of the next analogy.
And then it was over. We came home and life returned to normal. Or as normal as it can be. Have a great Thursday people. I missed you yesterday!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
5/18/10
If Life were a Lollypop.
So I bought this giant bag of Dum-Dums yesterday and pretty much devoured the entire bag in less than 3 hours. And hush, I shared....a couple. My tastes for certain flavors are strange. I can switch from butterscotch to fruit flavor with a flick of the tongue. I don't really care because I love my lollipops.
That is the epitome of me though. I'm not really choosy. I'm happy most of the time with whatever you throw at me and if it's a lollipop, I'm a very happy girl. When bad things happen, yah, it sucks but if there isn't anything you can do about it, what's the point of dwelling of it?
So last night after leaving the soccer game of Cops vs. Didn't know they were playing cops, my husband's take-home car went kaput. We were in Richardson on a side road. What does this mean? Well according to my husband, it's the end of the world. He's gotta use his own car and his own gas money. Yah, it sucks. That's going to add on at least $125 a week in gas money for us. Oh and his truck needs new tires before he gets his expired inspection sticker updated. We're looking at $500 in new tires. Yah, like I admitted, it sucks.
But! Here is where it's good to be with me. Now my husband bitched and moaned for like 2 hours. I probably had a sour face for about 10 minutes. Was there anything we could do differently? Nope. Were we on the freeway when the car went kaput? Nope. Do we have a car that he can use? Yep. And finally, get over it dude, it's freaking done. I mean jeez, would you rather be pissed off or just deal with it? Now my husband would probably say he would want to bitch about it but you can't be that way around me. One, because I'm not gonna let you. Two, because I'm gonna tell you to shut up because I'm tired of hearing you bitch and moan. Seriously, get over it!
So as me and the girls got a ride home in a cop car by one of our favorite officers, I managed to finish off my bag of Dum-Dums. The last flavor? Mystery. To this day, I have never hated the mystery flavor. It's never been a coconut or a chocolate one. (Which I think are the worst ideas for lollipop flavors) And that was my epiphany. Life is like a mystery lollipop. You never know what you're gonna get. But when you stick that candy delight in your mouth, it's done. There's no turning back. You're going to either be surprised or satisfied but anyway you look at it, there will always be another lollipop.
So suck it up. Life sucks sometimes but there is always going to be a little mystery and adventure to keep your taste buds excited.
Tuesday Carpool.
E: I'm finally getting my own room.
Me: How's that gonna happen?
E: My dad is giving me his office.
Me: Oh, bachelor pad.
E: Hold it, they're painting it baby blue.
Me: Oh, um.....if it's your room, why are they painting it baby blue?
E: That was the deal.
Me: You got screwed.
E: Hi, have we met...I always get screwed.
M (daughter): One word. Posters.
E: M? You really want me to get my butt kicked, don't you?
Me: Boys can't do posters anymore? No Farrah Fawcett or Cindy Crawford?
E: Who?
God, I need a lollypop. I'm getting OLD! Have a nice Tuesday!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
That is the epitome of me though. I'm not really choosy. I'm happy most of the time with whatever you throw at me and if it's a lollipop, I'm a very happy girl. When bad things happen, yah, it sucks but if there isn't anything you can do about it, what's the point of dwelling of it?
So last night after leaving the soccer game of Cops vs. Didn't know they were playing cops, my husband's take-home car went kaput. We were in Richardson on a side road. What does this mean? Well according to my husband, it's the end of the world. He's gotta use his own car and his own gas money. Yah, it sucks. That's going to add on at least $125 a week in gas money for us. Oh and his truck needs new tires before he gets his expired inspection sticker updated. We're looking at $500 in new tires. Yah, like I admitted, it sucks.
But! Here is where it's good to be with me. Now my husband bitched and moaned for like 2 hours. I probably had a sour face for about 10 minutes. Was there anything we could do differently? Nope. Were we on the freeway when the car went kaput? Nope. Do we have a car that he can use? Yep. And finally, get over it dude, it's freaking done. I mean jeez, would you rather be pissed off or just deal with it? Now my husband would probably say he would want to bitch about it but you can't be that way around me. One, because I'm not gonna let you. Two, because I'm gonna tell you to shut up because I'm tired of hearing you bitch and moan. Seriously, get over it!
So as me and the girls got a ride home in a cop car by one of our favorite officers, I managed to finish off my bag of Dum-Dums. The last flavor? Mystery. To this day, I have never hated the mystery flavor. It's never been a coconut or a chocolate one. (Which I think are the worst ideas for lollipop flavors) And that was my epiphany. Life is like a mystery lollipop. You never know what you're gonna get. But when you stick that candy delight in your mouth, it's done. There's no turning back. You're going to either be surprised or satisfied but anyway you look at it, there will always be another lollipop.
So suck it up. Life sucks sometimes but there is always going to be a little mystery and adventure to keep your taste buds excited.
Tuesday Carpool.
E: I'm finally getting my own room.
Me: How's that gonna happen?
E: My dad is giving me his office.
Me: Oh, bachelor pad.
E: Hold it, they're painting it baby blue.
Me: Oh, um.....if it's your room, why are they painting it baby blue?
E: That was the deal.
Me: You got screwed.
E: Hi, have we met...I always get screwed.
M (daughter): One word. Posters.
E: M? You really want me to get my butt kicked, don't you?
Me: Boys can't do posters anymore? No Farrah Fawcett or Cindy Crawford?
E: Who?
God, I need a lollypop. I'm getting OLD! Have a nice Tuesday!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
4/12/10
Married to a Cop 101.
I know some wives that are the wives of cops would disagree but in my life....there are certain rules to follow and certain rules to break.
I didn't marry a cop. I married a Marine. If I had married a cop, I wouldn't be allowed to break any of these rules. Women that marry cops should know what they are getting into.
Being a cop means you are two different types of people. The cop isn't trusting. He/She thinks everybody is out to get him/her. He/She think everybody is breaking the law. The regular guy/girl is the complete opposite of all of that. Changing from one to the other can be difficult but most people do it.
My husband? Doesn't.
Being me, it's hard not to be social and trusting of strangers. Being me, married to a cop, it's extremely difficult to keep friendships and banter with those strangers. Bottom line people? My husband is a real asshole if you don't know him. If you know him, he's a great guy. It's the old adage teenage girls used to say to their parents, "He's a different person when we're alone." Yah, when I was a teenager, that was always a red flag. As an adult, it's my life.
I've mentioned the look on my husband's face could make babies cry for their life. Seriously, I'm not kidding he's a real asshole. If attempting to have a conversation with him, he's been known to give one word answers, prompting the attempter to walk away grumbling, "That guy's an asshole." Yep, and I think he's proud of it too. Me? Not so much. Which is hypocritical because I'm proud of my bitchiness.
Rule #1) I am Switzerland. I am not going to take a side if you hate my husband or if my husband hates you. Granted, my husband probably hates you because...em...um....you looked at him wrong. Yah, he's an asshole. I'm Switzerland....or Canada!
Rule #2) Don't think that if you and I have joked around that you are automatically allowed to joke around with my husband. My husband doesn't joke around unless he knows you.
Rule #3) If I'm standing by my husband and you come over to talk to me....don't expect my husband to join in on the conversation. Oh and please don't try to include him in on the conversation either. Trust me, you ain't gonna crack a smile and when you walk away....he's gonna talk shit about you. Trust me....he's an asshole.
Rule #4) If you and I are friends, don't even think about talking shit to me about my husband. He may be an asshole but he's my asshole. And furthermore, I'm a bit of bitch so I won't hesitate to defend my husband (who's an asshole) to the death.
Rule #5) If you piss my husband off, I may be Switzerland but do you understand that I'm probably being forced to listen to him bitch and moan about you? Do you think I enjoy listening to my husband huff and puff about the "nerd" or "dumbass" that disrespected him? Um....no. But 9 times out of 10, I'm being forced to listen to him and you are probably going to lose. The less I have to hear my husband act like an asshole....the better you stay in MY good graces. Watch yourself!
Finally, in closing, all of this goes down the toilet if he chooses to include me in this assholic movement. Whenever my husband get a little too big for his britches and thinks he can be an asshole to me....I've got this little pin that I use to pop that ego. I won't tell you what I say or do to do the popping but it's worked every time. I have been with this man for over 20 years. It's a perfection of mine and there really should be only one asshole/bitch in the house at one time. I always win. The real question is though, I think he just allows me to win most of the time. He is the man of the house and is quite possibly the smarter of the two. The way he thinks is almost genius so when I say that I always win....he's really the winner in the end.
I hate that! He's mine though and I'm his....you can just call it what it is. Perfection at its finest.
Happy Monday people! Watch your asses if you're on the road in Texas. My husband is pissed today and he ain't gonna take it out on me! :)
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
I didn't marry a cop. I married a Marine. If I had married a cop, I wouldn't be allowed to break any of these rules. Women that marry cops should know what they are getting into.
Being a cop means you are two different types of people. The cop isn't trusting. He/She thinks everybody is out to get him/her. He/She think everybody is breaking the law. The regular guy/girl is the complete opposite of all of that. Changing from one to the other can be difficult but most people do it.
My husband? Doesn't.
Being me, it's hard not to be social and trusting of strangers. Being me, married to a cop, it's extremely difficult to keep friendships and banter with those strangers. Bottom line people? My husband is a real asshole if you don't know him. If you know him, he's a great guy. It's the old adage teenage girls used to say to their parents, "He's a different person when we're alone." Yah, when I was a teenager, that was always a red flag. As an adult, it's my life.
I've mentioned the look on my husband's face could make babies cry for their life. Seriously, I'm not kidding he's a real asshole. If attempting to have a conversation with him, he's been known to give one word answers, prompting the attempter to walk away grumbling, "That guy's an asshole." Yep, and I think he's proud of it too. Me? Not so much. Which is hypocritical because I'm proud of my bitchiness.
Rule #1) I am Switzerland. I am not going to take a side if you hate my husband or if my husband hates you. Granted, my husband probably hates you because...em...um....you looked at him wrong. Yah, he's an asshole. I'm Switzerland....or Canada!
Rule #2) Don't think that if you and I have joked around that you are automatically allowed to joke around with my husband. My husband doesn't joke around unless he knows you.
Rule #3) If I'm standing by my husband and you come over to talk to me....don't expect my husband to join in on the conversation. Oh and please don't try to include him in on the conversation either. Trust me, you ain't gonna crack a smile and when you walk away....he's gonna talk shit about you. Trust me....he's an asshole.
Rule #4) If you and I are friends, don't even think about talking shit to me about my husband. He may be an asshole but he's my asshole. And furthermore, I'm a bit of bitch so I won't hesitate to defend my husband (who's an asshole) to the death.
Rule #5) If you piss my husband off, I may be Switzerland but do you understand that I'm probably being forced to listen to him bitch and moan about you? Do you think I enjoy listening to my husband huff and puff about the "nerd" or "dumbass" that disrespected him? Um....no. But 9 times out of 10, I'm being forced to listen to him and you are probably going to lose. The less I have to hear my husband act like an asshole....the better you stay in MY good graces. Watch yourself!
Finally, in closing, all of this goes down the toilet if he chooses to include me in this assholic movement. Whenever my husband get a little too big for his britches and thinks he can be an asshole to me....I've got this little pin that I use to pop that ego. I won't tell you what I say or do to do the popping but it's worked every time. I have been with this man for over 20 years. It's a perfection of mine and there really should be only one asshole/bitch in the house at one time. I always win. The real question is though, I think he just allows me to win most of the time. He is the man of the house and is quite possibly the smarter of the two. The way he thinks is almost genius so when I say that I always win....he's really the winner in the end.
I hate that! He's mine though and I'm his....you can just call it what it is. Perfection at its finest.
Happy Monday people! Watch your asses if you're on the road in Texas. My husband is pissed today and he ain't gonna take it out on me! :)
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
3/16/10
Humility blows!
hu·mil·i·ty–noun
The quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.
Okay, this is going to be a very hard posting. For those of you who know me, you should probably mark this, remember it and never speak of it again. Here it goes!
I'm not as perfect as I think I am. {{GASP}}
The first day on the job was the typical day. Videos, computer training and reading manuals. The videos I can handle. The reading of manuals is easy. The computer training? Ugh! I'm going to need a bigger brain.
So, four hours of solitary training then two hours of standing over someones shoulder. Those two hours were as eye-opening as a finding out the difference from 6 inches and 9 inches. Wow!
I will say this though. People never change. There are still those freaks that walk up and make you go, "I hate people." Yay customer service!
After work, I had to rush home, change outta my HOT khakis and red and go watch a bunch of cops play indoor soccer. I've seen my husband play soccer before so no big deal. Out of the twelve players, my husband is one of the oldest. The other guys on the team are all rookies. Young and stupid. But very, very, very, VERY cute.
With age, comes humility as well. Just like me, relearning a job I've done for 18 years, my husband has finally realized that he's not as young as he looks. He played like a 17 year old, don't get me wrong. I was yelling and screaming at those grown men like I do at my girl's games. My husband's humility came at the end of the game. I've never been more prouder of him. Serious! This was a pivotal moment in his life.
It was COPS 9 and HAD NO IDEA THEY WERE PLAYING COPS 6. One minute left in the game. My husband was out. He was leaning against the wall watching the game with three other players. I looked down at my phone for a second and all hell broke loose. HAD NO IDEA THEY WERE PLAYING COPS pushed one of the COPS as he was setting up the ball. Mayhem! Punches, pushing, kicking, body slams, you name it, it was happening. Everybody was yelling from the bleachers. All the players whether they were on the "field" or in the box, rushed over and joined in on the brawl. I of course looked at my daughter and asked, "What happened?" I miss everything but I didn't feel too bad because she didn't know either.
My pivotal moment?
Where was my husband?
He was still standing against the wall! This man was always up for a good fight when we were young. He'd fight you if you looked at him wrong. There he was though, standing against the wall, shaking his head. I smiled at him when he looked up at me and rolled his eyes. When we got in the car, this was why humility blows.
Me: I was never prouder in there of you. What happened?
Him: Babe, every freaking game, they do that.
Me: Every game? What's that about?
Him: They're just stupid. Plus, we always seem to play a team that is just as stupid so it's perfect for em.
Me: Well, I was proud of ya. You didn't even flex a muscle or move an inch toward the fight.
Him: Shit babe! I'm fvcking tired! Let the youngsters make asses of themselves. I'm retired from that. They've still got young AND stupid on their side.
Me: Where as you got rid of young and kept stupid?
Him: After I take a nap, I'll have a better comeback to that.
Humility. It blows.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
The quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.
Okay, this is going to be a very hard posting. For those of you who know me, you should probably mark this, remember it and never speak of it again. Here it goes!
I'm not as perfect as I think I am. {{GASP}}
The first day on the job was the typical day. Videos, computer training and reading manuals. The videos I can handle. The reading of manuals is easy. The computer training? Ugh! I'm going to need a bigger brain.
So, four hours of solitary training then two hours of standing over someones shoulder. Those two hours were as eye-opening as a finding out the difference from 6 inches and 9 inches. Wow!
I will say this though. People never change. There are still those freaks that walk up and make you go, "I hate people." Yay customer service!
After work, I had to rush home, change outta my HOT khakis and red and go watch a bunch of cops play indoor soccer. I've seen my husband play soccer before so no big deal. Out of the twelve players, my husband is one of the oldest. The other guys on the team are all rookies. Young and stupid. But very, very, very, VERY cute.
With age, comes humility as well. Just like me, relearning a job I've done for 18 years, my husband has finally realized that he's not as young as he looks. He played like a 17 year old, don't get me wrong. I was yelling and screaming at those grown men like I do at my girl's games. My husband's humility came at the end of the game. I've never been more prouder of him. Serious! This was a pivotal moment in his life.
It was COPS 9 and HAD NO IDEA THEY WERE PLAYING COPS 6. One minute left in the game. My husband was out. He was leaning against the wall watching the game with three other players. I looked down at my phone for a second and all hell broke loose. HAD NO IDEA THEY WERE PLAYING COPS pushed one of the COPS as he was setting up the ball. Mayhem! Punches, pushing, kicking, body slams, you name it, it was happening. Everybody was yelling from the bleachers. All the players whether they were on the "field" or in the box, rushed over and joined in on the brawl. I of course looked at my daughter and asked, "What happened?" I miss everything but I didn't feel too bad because she didn't know either.
My pivotal moment?
Where was my husband?
He was still standing against the wall! This man was always up for a good fight when we were young. He'd fight you if you looked at him wrong. There he was though, standing against the wall, shaking his head. I smiled at him when he looked up at me and rolled his eyes. When we got in the car, this was why humility blows.
Me: I was never prouder in there of you. What happened?
Him: Babe, every freaking game, they do that.
Me: Every game? What's that about?
Him: They're just stupid. Plus, we always seem to play a team that is just as stupid so it's perfect for em.
Me: Well, I was proud of ya. You didn't even flex a muscle or move an inch toward the fight.
Him: Shit babe! I'm fvcking tired! Let the youngsters make asses of themselves. I'm retired from that. They've still got young AND stupid on their side.
Me: Where as you got rid of young and kept stupid?
Him: After I take a nap, I'll have a better comeback to that.
Humility. It blows.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
3/1/10
Partying with Cops 101
Disclaimer: This may not work for you if:
1) You don't have a tube top dress on.
2) You can't hold your liquor.
3) You frequently find yourself at the end of the night needing to climb on a table and performing a dance that would make a pervert blush.
Okay, so there are probably more rules to that disclaimer but I'll add on as I continue writing. Oh! Remembered another one already!
4) Your shot making skills are crap.
As the night began an hour early, that last disclaimer actually benefitted me. Nobody knew how to make a Jagerbomb. Seriously? How does one not know that? So scoot over boys, Jeanie's coming through! I'm adding some rules to follow along with the disclaimers.
5) Bring your own shot glasses to the party because big red plastic cups are so not shot worthy.
After three shots that were created to perfection, I reminded my husband of what an ass he made of himself the last year and proudly said, "It's my turn buddy. You keep your ass in check and watch mine tonight." I had the stellar tube top dress on, the compfy heels on and my hair was probably the best it had ever looked in months.
6) Don't tell anybody how much your dress cost because they will in turn look at their wive's dress and say, "How much did you spend on your dress?" (Sorry Christy)
Of course, that last disclaimer bit me in the ass when I told Jerry that I looked like a $5 hooker and he replied, "Well yeah but I'd probably spend $10 on ya." (Thanks Jerry)
7) When saving a table and somebody asks if they can sit with you, don't snicker and laugh, saying, "No, this is the cool table."
But seriously, if you weren't already invited to sit with us, you probably shouldn't have asked. Oh people can be so stupid sometimes. I sat next to my husband on my left and my friend Nita to my right. My husband has a tendency to speak more to his left so I had already knew I needed somebody to my right. (Thanks Nita)
8) When the food arrives, scarf it down as fast as you can because when the award ceremony starts, you can vacate the bore and smoke a cigarette or head to the bar.
9) Claiming a nut allergy will provide hours and hours of dirty jokes. (Thanks again Nita)
10) When there is a lady walking around with a camera asking if she can take your picture, make sure you say loudly, "I am SUCH a picture whore!" Then smile and stick your tits out. Next year's banquet will have about 10+ picture of me. Can't. Freaking. Wait!
11) Don't be afraid to make an ass out of yourself in front of your husband/wive's boss. Trust me, they'll finally understand why your significant other is so difficult to work with.
I got told by my husband's leutinant, "You're a crazy bitch aren't you?" My reply? "And this surprises you? Have you met my husband?"
12) When needing a late night snack, DO NOT bring a bag full of tacos to the party because people will talk shit behind your back.
But seriously, all you assholes knew I was going. Ya shoulda spoke up cause I may look like a $5 hooker but I ain't buying you tacos!
13) Try not to climb on a table when "Tik Tok" comes on the radio.
No, this wasn't me. It was a fellow wife that went with another couple. Her husband had to work. The story is, he is going to kick her ass when he finds out she made an ass out of herself.
14) Embrace when another wife makes an ass out of herself.
Because my husband forgave me for everything when he saw the table dancer. I could've stripped and he still would've thought I was perfect. (Thank you wife that I don't know your name)
15) When you look at the clock and see that it's 4am, try to remember that you aren't under the age of 30 and GO TO BED!
Half of these kids that are cops are all rookies AND are under the age of 30. There is no shame in saying that you are going to bed.
And finally. 16) Don't be afraid to start stripping in the elevator.
Because if you're lucky, when the elevators open, there will be somebody waiting to get in the elevator on floor 3 to ride all the way up to floor 18 with you. Ah, good times, good times. Even luckier, it will be a fellow police officer. My. Husband. Is. Going. To. Kill. Me.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
1) You don't have a tube top dress on.
2) You can't hold your liquor.
3) You frequently find yourself at the end of the night needing to climb on a table and performing a dance that would make a pervert blush.
Okay, so there are probably more rules to that disclaimer but I'll add on as I continue writing. Oh! Remembered another one already!
4) Your shot making skills are crap.
As the night began an hour early, that last disclaimer actually benefitted me. Nobody knew how to make a Jagerbomb. Seriously? How does one not know that? So scoot over boys, Jeanie's coming through! I'm adding some rules to follow along with the disclaimers.
5) Bring your own shot glasses to the party because big red plastic cups are so not shot worthy.
After three shots that were created to perfection, I reminded my husband of what an ass he made of himself the last year and proudly said, "It's my turn buddy. You keep your ass in check and watch mine tonight." I had the stellar tube top dress on, the compfy heels on and my hair was probably the best it had ever looked in months.
6) Don't tell anybody how much your dress cost because they will in turn look at their wive's dress and say, "How much did you spend on your dress?" (Sorry Christy)
Of course, that last disclaimer bit me in the ass when I told Jerry that I looked like a $5 hooker and he replied, "Well yeah but I'd probably spend $10 on ya." (Thanks Jerry)
7) When saving a table and somebody asks if they can sit with you, don't snicker and laugh, saying, "No, this is the cool table."
But seriously, if you weren't already invited to sit with us, you probably shouldn't have asked. Oh people can be so stupid sometimes. I sat next to my husband on my left and my friend Nita to my right. My husband has a tendency to speak more to his left so I had already knew I needed somebody to my right. (Thanks Nita)
8) When the food arrives, scarf it down as fast as you can because when the award ceremony starts, you can vacate the bore and smoke a cigarette or head to the bar.
9) Claiming a nut allergy will provide hours and hours of dirty jokes. (Thanks again Nita)
10) When there is a lady walking around with a camera asking if she can take your picture, make sure you say loudly, "I am SUCH a picture whore!" Then smile and stick your tits out. Next year's banquet will have about 10+ picture of me. Can't. Freaking. Wait!
11) Don't be afraid to make an ass out of yourself in front of your husband/wive's boss. Trust me, they'll finally understand why your significant other is so difficult to work with.
I got told by my husband's leutinant, "You're a crazy bitch aren't you?" My reply? "And this surprises you? Have you met my husband?"
12) When needing a late night snack, DO NOT bring a bag full of tacos to the party because people will talk shit behind your back.
But seriously, all you assholes knew I was going. Ya shoulda spoke up cause I may look like a $5 hooker but I ain't buying you tacos!
13) Try not to climb on a table when "Tik Tok" comes on the radio.
No, this wasn't me. It was a fellow wife that went with another couple. Her husband had to work. The story is, he is going to kick her ass when he finds out she made an ass out of herself.
14) Embrace when another wife makes an ass out of herself.
Because my husband forgave me for everything when he saw the table dancer. I could've stripped and he still would've thought I was perfect. (Thank you wife that I don't know your name)
15) When you look at the clock and see that it's 4am, try to remember that you aren't under the age of 30 and GO TO BED!
Half of these kids that are cops are all rookies AND are under the age of 30. There is no shame in saying that you are going to bed.
And finally. 16) Don't be afraid to start stripping in the elevator.
Because if you're lucky, when the elevators open, there will be somebody waiting to get in the elevator on floor 3 to ride all the way up to floor 18 with you. Ah, good times, good times. Even luckier, it will be a fellow police officer. My. Husband. Is. Going. To. Kill. Me.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
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