Do you measure your happiness by the amount of smiling you do or the amount of times you didn't say the "f" word?

I say the "f" word a lot! It's like my bread to my butter. My poor children have heard me use that word too much in their lifetime but to me, it's not like the word will surprise them later. I'm actually doing them a service by using it often. I think it's almost become a staple for my conversations. My husband says it all the time though and even I notice he uses it during inoportune moments.

So anyway, pointless rant up there, I go out with my friend today to browse a home party with flip flops and clothes. $72 later, I walked out with a tube top, 2 bags and a "muffin top" hider. What is a "muffin top" hider you might ask? Well, it's a band that's about 7 inches wide that acts like a belt around your waist. The tagline was, "Hide your muffin top and avoid unsightly butt cleavage!" Well, if I wasn't sold with the prospect of hiding my butt cleavage, I don't know what would've sold me! And then on the way home, my friend asks if we should start working out since I'm going to Hawaii in about a month and she's about to start hitting the pool. Well, duh! Yes! What was her first hint at me wanting to exercise? Could it have possibly been the "muffin top" hider I bought?????

What she doesn't know is I went online the other day and bought these pills called: TrimBall-EXP200. They're a fiber pill that expands in your stomach taking the effect of an actual lap-band surgery. It guaratees that I'll lose 23 pounds in 7 weeks or my money back. I don't need to lose 23 pounds but if I did, that would be fantastic! I'm not gonna tell my husband I bought them though because I think I want him to marvel at my stamina to losing weight the "right" way. :) Of course since it's fiber...the constant pooping might tip him off but he's not that attentive to bowel movements. Tampons he'll notice but bowel movements, nothing. Of course, tampons actually affect his plans for the night but a bowel movement does nothing to interrupt his wants and needs.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


What do I do now?

Okay, those that know me understand my obsessive behavior. I'm a moody girl that can change in a flash. Trust me, my husband really does love me. I haven't quite figured out why but I'll take what I can get. So here I was about four weeks ago, writing another manuscript. I could, on a good day, averaged 5,000 words in the manuscript. I was shooting for a full novel at 80,000 words. I did it in three weeks. I'd write like a maniac all day and when my husband got home, I'd stop. Hey, someone had to cook dinner and pay attention to the money-maker in the family. My best friend, who is my brother-in-law came down for a visit and I still got in some writing. I'd wake up early and write until the bedroom door opened.

So, I'm done. I love the manuscript and I even whipped out a query letter. Not so hard when you're on your second manuscript. I was such a virgin before but my cherry's been popped and I'm on it now. I even discovered a new style of writing that I got into. I'd like to call it quirky, yet not annoying. Even tried writing in past tense instead of present tense. LOVED THAT! I discovered I could write a book where all the characters were liked and I could even write some suspense. I discovered that when the people that read my rough manuscript called halfway through their read threatening, "It better not be..."

Okay, so here I am, wondering what to do now? Usually I'd put the completed manuscript high up and unreachable and let it stew. Kind of like marinating. I've gotta forget about it and do something else. I've got countless ideas in my head for a new manuscript. Should I start another one? Should I put the love I have for this last manuscript on hold and just pound away at the keyboard with another one? I did that last time and stopped because I'm obsessive.

And also, I've given this rough manuscript out to a bunch of people. Most I truly love and most I'm starting to love again. Facebook is my reunion center! And I'm not stupid enough not to get that these people are saying they love my book because they don't have the fangs of real critics but they all like the parts I loved. I can't be crazy enough to think that if they're excited about the parts I was excited about, they're not loving it to be nice. Right?

Oh, another pointless rant about nothing. I know but I think I'll just chalk this up to moody AND annoying. I've gotta hit the bookstore today and get the new Sookie Stackhouse book. Surprisingly, I'm obsessed with vampire books and I don't write about vampires. I'm not that good! Maybe I'll start another manuscript...that oughta piss Sparkman off. Or on top of being pissed, it might actually kick him in the butt to finally start on his "Work in Progress" that he teased me with months ago but hasn't finished!!!!!! I completely understand how being a stay-at-home mother with plenty of free time can't possibly compare to being a working man with an actual job...get on it Sparkman! I wanna find out if Harbor is a transvestite!

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


Onward and Upward

I never read that book THE SECRET. I know I'm not the only one but when I say that, people are so shocked by my ignorance. I know, I know, Oprah said to read it but believe it or not, I don't always do what Oprah tells me to do. I think I get the gist of the book though that if you believe in something and really want something, the power of YOU will get that something. Well, I don't need to read a book to get that. Hello? I've been taught that my whole life. What idiot hasn't?

So what do I believe in and really want that the power of ME will acheive it? Well, I want a lot of things. Does a million dollars count for THE SECRET? How about the flat stomach and size 0 a$$ I had when I was younger? Do I close my eyes really hard and tap my heels together to the beat of "We Will Rock You"? How about stupid books of dumb stuff don't get published anymore? Can I tell you my secret? You aren't going to get anything unless you work for it. No amount of poster board with pictures of published works, size 0 jeans and hot bikini clad women plastered on it is going to get me any of that stuff. So how about we stop listening to Oprah, wishing on stars and wondering why we don't get what we want.....oh wait, or is that just me?

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.



So it's Monday and my Mondays aren't like most Mondays. I don't work so I never get the Monday blues but I do have to drag my ass out of bed to take the girls to school. That bites but if that's the only thing I can complain about...nobody is going to pity me.

So after my writer's net peeps obliterated my dreams of having the perfect synopsis and then my mother comes over with my synopsis completely blacked out with ink...okay, I'll admit it, it sucked. So I rewrote it today and I think it's a thousand times better. I actually did take those assholes from writers.net seriously and followed some of their advice...and don't tell her but my mom totally rocked with her edits too! Did I repost on writers.net? Hell no! I can't take anymore criticism from strangers...I did however sent it to my mommy though!

Do you know what else Monday brings me? Silence. The kids are at school and the sounds of a clicking keyboard are like heaven to me. Occasionally, it'll get so silent that I'll have to put my iPod on and listen to some Metallica but today is not one of those days. Today, it's silent. And I love it. The synopsis is done in my mind, at least until my mommy calls but it's done for at least a couple more hours. Oh and except for the occasional text message ring from my phone, I can almost hear an agent out there saying to her/himself, "Am I ever going to get a book about some typical, unhappy, whore housewife? I can sell that kind of book!"

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


Why am I surprised?

I belong to this writers group of assholes. Yeah, I said it. They're assholes. What makes them assholes? Well sadly, they're like me. They are brutally honest and never think anything is close to perfect. And this is the society we live in where if you say something is perfect...there is no room to improve. Okay, that's fair but come on, can't you give a girl a dog treat some time?

So I finally write this synopsis of crap. I rewrite it. Oh and did I mention that I rewrite it again! Yep! I had to skimp on the rules too. The margins are exactly 1 inch. The title is in there as a header so as not to take a line away from me. Oh and instead of double-spacing, I space and a halfed it. (Watch the news on May 28th cause if they disqualify me for that, I'm calling in a bomb threat!) Okay, so then I go to my writer's website. www.writers.net I copy and paste. I type out the rules and submit. I swear I had a heart palpitation when I pressed the post button. I don't even think I even asked a question...I just posted it. They know what I'm posting for. I can literally hear their drool hit the floor from the salivation to rip another unpublished writer to shreds. Okay, so I go back and look at my post and reread it. Cause god help me if I ever had a misspelled word in there! I read it, I make sure the synopsis is in bold and for good measure, I read it again. It's CRAP! I mean seriously, how can you write about something with overflowing information, pick and choose the main plot lines and NOT sound "cluttered," "piddily," "cliche" or "flat?"

Oh and in case you didn't catch it...those words in quotes are what the assholes used when describing my synopsis. And what did I do? I thanked them for their honesty and kindly asked for more emotional beating. Well, I gotta go bend over again...I'm back to the synopsis tomorrow. Lord help me and remind me when I'm published to go back to that site and give them a good old fashioned, "Nanny, nanny, boo-boo!"

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


Synopsis of crap!

Today I woke up knowing that I had a job to do. I have to write a synopsis or a summary of sorts. I'm entering my completed manuscript in the 2009 Manuscript Contest with the Writer's League of Texas. I had already entered it a couple years ago but I submitted under the wrong category of Romance. When my score card came back I think the first line was, "You've entered this under the wrong category because in romance, the main character never commits adultery." The judge was very nice though because he still critiqued me and gave me a 50 out of the 250 applicants for Romance. (Not bad for being a doof!) So I thought, easy peasy! I'll just pull up the old entry and submit under the correct category, Mainstream Fiction. Well, seems the league has changed it's rules from two years ago and the synopsis has to be one page, 12pt font and double spaced. People! My manuscript is over 300 pages! How in thee hell am I going to make that into one page?

So, it's now eight hours later and I'm on the second sentence. I've spent most of my day responding to Facebook status updates and filling out surveys all day. I've tried to find anything else to do except writing my synopsis. I've got to get this done and in the mail before March 6th. Why is it so hard to summarize a story that I wrote and quite frankly, I'm in love with? I'll tell you why. I wrote this manuscript over three years ago. I've rewritten it twice. I've edited it over ten times. I've changed the title twice. I've changed the characters names three times. I've read this story over fifty times. I'm sick of this book! It's not funny to me anymore. It doesn't make my heart go thumpity thump anymore. It doesn't make me imagine what soundtrack will play during the imaginary movie I've planned for it. It has become the thorn in my butt. I've started countless new and exciting novels but haven't been able to finish them. I keep coming back to the thorn. I have to put this baby to bed and it's not going to be technically in bed until it's published or thrown in the fire pit. So tomorrow I'm going to try again and maybe I'll get to the fourth sentence but I do know that by March 6th, I will have a synopsis for this thorn I call a novel and it will be in the hands of agents and authors. And by June, around the time I'm supposed to be in Hawaii, I will have hopefully have received word that I've won or I suck. Here's hoping for the first!

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.