Sowwy I've been MIA...

So, it's been awhile. Sorry about that. I can't really say it's because I've been so busy. It's actually the complete opposite. It seems like everybody in my family is busy and I'm just trying to find something worthy of appearing productive. I am no longer employed at Target. I'm gonna refrain from the story because it's not really worth my effort to explain it....plus, it'll just make me mad. Let's just say, Buzz proved to be exactly who he always was. I will always love Target as a company though. I met some pretty fantastic people there and plan on keeping in touch with them. Buzz will never see my prescription money again and if I never see him again, that'll make me happy. I was off for about 6 weeks this summer and quickly realized, I am not cut out to stay home. I will literally sit on my ass and then be depressed about it when I go to bed. Do you ever wake up and all you really wait for is it to be acceptable to go to bed again? Well, that was me for 6 weeks. I wouldn't say I was clinically depressed but prolly a little self-diagnosed depressed. :) Over the summer, the family went to Maui for the wedding of my brother-in-law to a girl I'm very excited to call my sister. It was a beautiful affair. Expensive as fuck, but beautiful none the less. It was a family reunion of all of my favorite family members. No drama. No fights. Just a lot of laughs and fun. The hiccup of the trip was in order for us to afford the trip we drove 16 hours to Phoenix to catch a flight to Maui. Not bad driving there but oh my god, coming home was a battle. NOT a good way to end a relaxing vacation. In fact, I wouldn't recommend it to my worst enemy....or Buzz. :) My diabetic wonder went to Camp Sweeney again for 2nd session and had a blast. Made a lot of friends and came home with no boyfriends. My youngest mini-me went to New Hampshire with my mom for 3 weeks and visited with my sister and her brood. The mini-me has also graduated to competitive soccer and is now in Liverpool. Yet another expense added onto the list. In closing of this post, I've now been hired at Tom Thumb, a Safeway company. It's the same place I started when we moved to Texas while my husband searched for a police department. Same old boss which is quite the perk cause I absolutely adore him and his spazzy way of managing. He's definitely not a Buzz...kill. So I don't know if posting on here will be normal but I'm gonna try my best to keep it up. Next post will be about my 20th high school reunion.... If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.

Day off! Day off! Day off!

Annnnnnnnnd I'm busy. My M has doctor's appointments all day today. She'll be poked and poked again....then probably bled dry. Poor baby.

So I had a much better day yesterday. I still felt sick so I guess the reason for all things shitty at work really is Dennis Hopper's fault. VINDICATED! Yah, vindicated and screwed. I did however find out that I'm really not the only one he picks on. There's this other technician. So I have somebody to whine with about it. My husband was very glad to hear that.....cause he's tired of listening to it.

I think his reasoning behind his exhaustion with my complaint is he knows I'm a bad ass. He knows I don't usually take shit from anybody. Yet, since March I have. I guess that's a good thing. He believes in me....but in a small way he's a little disappointed in me as well.

This is the guy that watched me tell a Kmart loss prevention "officer" who accused me of repricing an outfit, "You have a flashlight and a plastic badge with Kmart on it. I'm not even in my 20's and I'm still better than you." I swear I almost made him cry. The "officer" not my husband.

So anyway, today is my day off and I'm gonna do it right. I'm gonna spend the entire day with my oldest and try not to make her cry. I might pay some bills. I might go grocery shopping. But you can bet that whatever I do, it ain't gonna consist of counting pills or putting things in a prioritizer. Because THAT will be tomorrow when I work the entire day with Dennis Hopper.

Have a great Hump Day everybody! I'm wearing pants and a long-sleeve shirt. I almost shed a tear. I miss my tank tops and tube tops. :(




If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.

First Day of School....and now it begins.

So today is the first day of school. Freaking fabulous! I've been trying to get rid of these kids for over a month now and it is finally here. No more, "Mom, I'm bored," or "Can we go to the pool," or "Can so and so spend the night?" Oh good golly, these kids are driving me freaking crazy!

So in honor of this glorious day, share my joy.

Me: Pop quiz midget! Who said this?

K: Huh? Wha.....?

Me: "First day of school! First day of school!"

K: Ugh, Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Me: Who said it? Come on, there's a prize.

K: Some stupid fish that didn't know what he was talking about.

Me: Ding, ding, ding! You won a ride to school and a half-walk into class. Congratulations....now get up.

It took her like 10 minutes to abandon the doom and actually get excited though. She must've brushed her hair until it was shiny and soft. She brushed her teeth BEFORE breakfast. Yah, I remember those days. The first day of school was always exciting for me too. Of course by day 2, I was completely over it and realized that summer was far away again. As a parent, that's music to my ears.

My oldest M, the new diabetic, is venturing into the unknown here. Schedules upon schedules. Snacks and insulin. And ((GASP)) the 7th grade. She is no longer the little grubby 6th grader. She's in the middle of the pack. She's almost top dog. She's also go this new disease she would rather hide from everybody but can't. Poor baby. I've met with the nurse at school though and I feel comfortable that M will come out of her shell and not be so ashamed to speak up. At least I hope so. She looks fabulous this morning though in her new clothes. All last year she looked like a skeleton until we finally got her diagnosed with diabetes so this new year, she looks like our M. It's really nice to send her back the way she should look.

So, as I dropped K off first this morning and wait to drop M off in a bit, I will be going to work. When I started this job in March, I just thought the extra money would be nice. I've come to realize that I needed this job to save my sanity as a mother. For 8 hours in a day where I might normally be a jittery ball of nerves for my kids....I will be dealing with dumbass customers trying to get their last minute prescriptions filled. Trust me, I'm being serious. 1) They're really dumbasses. 2) This job is a godsend for me.

Happy Monday everybody. Kids are back to school. It is indeed a Happy Monday.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.

Still got nothing....

...so I'll just continue with the story.

Y'all know about my moment but I have somewhat of a gigantic circle of people that experienced their own moments the day M was diagnosed with diabetes. I had warned a bunch of people that morning what I feared. There was a lot of, "Don't think that!" and, "I think it's just something simple." I continued to keep the positive thoughts but I am a chronic Web MD viewer and Web MD was screaming at me what the signs were.

After the doctor said those words, "It's diabetes." he left the room to start the admission process into Children's Dallas. I grabbed my phone and sent out a mass text to my circle of people. I often cringe at the feeling of being behind that text.

"It's diabetes. We're being admitted into Children's Legacy and being care flighted to Dallas after they stabilize her."

How horrible to be the recipient of a text like that. It must've felt like a sucker punch to the gut. I could've done it better but at that moment, I couldn't speak. No words could come out of my mouth.

My poor mother was at lunch and was at Home Depot. She had almost made it out the door but alas the text reached her in the garden department. My beautiful mother just sat down on a bag of fertilizer and cried. Every scenario that I had experienced, she was also experiencing. How do I fix this? What do we do? Another experience was, why is everybody just walking past her? Seriously, my mother has gray hair and nobody stopped to see if she was okay. You gotta love people!

My husband never got the text. This is a joke that will go down in the books. M's dad was at Sports Academy picking up empty drums and loading it onto a truck. He left his phone in the other car and was in reality doing something he shouldn't have been doing on his lunch. I kept waiting for him to storm in and demand control of the situation so I could finally break down. He wasn't coming.

As M and I walked through the hospital, into elevators, I kept checking my phone. I kept pressing the call button to call my husband but I never followed through. I looked at M and said, "I can't talk to him." M just calmly said, "Just page him mom, he'll come if you page him." I think I knew that but I'd already sent the text of doom....I didn't want to follow it up with a page of doom. I did though but I just typed three words.

"I need you."

We were in the car on our way to Children's Legacy when he finally called. I was driving like a lost, old lady looking for a garage sale. When my husband asked, "What's up?" I knew he had no clue what was coming. My heart was already broken but to actually say the words would do nothing for it. I couldn't get anything out except, "I need....I need....I need." That was all I could say. By the third plea, my husband finally got it. "Just say it and send me a text of where you are."

That was my husband's moment. He had 3 drums in the bed of his truck. He was over 50 miles away from us. His wife was on the phone with him barely holding on to reality. My Mr. Fix-it couldn't fix it. In the 30 minutes it took him to finally get to the hospital, he'd seen the text of doom, replayed in his head the pleading words, "I need....I need....I need," and still wasn't where he should've been.

He often apologizes for not being there when he should've. I've never felt like I was abandoned or alone that day. The amount of people that reached out to us and took control of an otherwise uncontrollable situation was huge. My mother finally got off that bag of fertilizer and picked my K up from school for me. My friend G immediately started getting my prescriptions covered by my insurance. My social network of friends continued to lend me their hands or their ears so I didn't feel so alone. My husband finally arrived at the hospital and allowed me a shoulder to lean on. My daughter M remained brave throughout the day when I needed bravery to prevail.

It was one thing that created a couple dozen moments.

My moral of this story? When I see an old lady sitting on a bag of fertilizer crying, I'm for damn sure gonna stop and ask if she's okay! :) Happy Tuesday everybody! I am quite sure today is gonna fly by seeing as it's already noon and I've only accomplished this today.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.

Here's a quandry!

I've totally ran out of things to say! I know! SHOCKER! I think I'm going to just tell a story none of you knew. Excuse me if you don't care but until I get my muse back, this is the best I can do.

The day M was diagnosed with diabetes, I think everybody knew that I had already had a feeling what was coming. Call it instinct or just signs screaming at me for months that I chose to ignore. When I took her to the doctor, the long car ride prompted an apology to her for my procrastination. I had to say that I was sorry. I didn't tell her what I thought it was. I didn't want her to worry if I was wrong. I did however assure her that I was sorry and I wasn't mad at her. Cause you see, I wasn't quite ready for the answer and earlier that morning I felt like she was forcing me to get it.

When we got to the doctor and I gave the doctor her symptoms, he and I both knew what was coming. M left the room to go to the bathroom and I remained in the room. I didn't cry, I just sat there like a statue waiting for my life to crack. When M came back into the room, I realized that I had to pee too.

Now I went into the same bathroom M was just in and it had that little steel door you put your sample in. I heard the steel door open. I stood there in the bathroom, eavesdropping in a way. I heard the sounds on the other side of that square steel door. I held my breath waiting for anything. I heard the paper ripping. I heard the cap being twisted. My hearing was working very well that morning. I heard the nurse on the other side of the steel door say, "Oh no. Get the doctor."

My heart broke that moment. I left the bathroom and went back in the room with the biggest fake smile on my face. I stood there by the door just waiting. I had my hand on M's leg when the nurse came in and tested her blood sugar with a monitor. I didn't look at it. I just stood there with my eyes closed, holding onto her knee. I already knew. Instincts be gone, I'd eavesdropped on the worst news ever. I had a secret that was about to be spilled any second.

This was a moment where I didn't know if I should be the one that told my daughter of her fate or wait for the professional to do it. It's like those moments in your life that you'll never forget. Did I want M to remember this as coming from me or with me just standing beside her when the doctor told her? I didn't want to be a part of this moment. I couldn't be the one. I wasn't.

When the doctor came in and looked at me, I just closed my eyes again when he started to speak. "It's diabetes."

That was my moment. It was basically an hour of moments that I wish never happened. I pick through that day and try to figure out how I could've done those moments better or differently. If there was any moment I wouldn't change, it would be the one where I gave M a hug and said, "I'm sorry."

Happy Monday??? :) Yah, it's a happy Monday. I hope you all have a fantastic day.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.

Exceeds Expectations

So yesterday I was pleasantly surprised with my 90 day review. First lemme tell ya, I can believe I've lasted 90 days working again. Lemme tell ya secondly, this job has literally saved my sanity over the past month.

The idea of working in pharmacy saving your sanity is quite an oxymoron. (I looked it up, it's the right word!) I'm constantly surrounded with sick people, impatient people, spazzy people and through all of that, I embrace the insanity. There are only two choices on the review. Exceeds expectations and doesn't meet expectations. I got all exceeds.

As I sat there, I kept thinking about the day my friend helped me get the job. Nowhere in my head did I think I would really "need" this job. I just wanted to get out of the house. Today, 90 days later, I really "need" this twice a week retreat from the daily grind of life. It's kind of nice to be pushed into another life where you don't have an insulin bottle shoved in your face or a sheet of paper to write down carbs and pray you have enough food to reach that magic number 85. Instead, I just do what I'm supposed to do and get paid for it.

We were quite busy in the morning in spite of a lull in pharmacy land called "summertime" ghost town. By the time it was my lunch, we started to taper down. There were no more prescriptions to count. There were no more insurance problems to call on. I got sent home early. This was a gift though. My youngest K had a soccer game, I had a family to feed and this gift gave me an extra 2 hours to get ready for it.

So as my husband came home from a 24 hour shift of regular work and part time work, I had dinner in the oven, my K was dressed in her soccer gear and I had Red Bull in the fridge for my husband later on. Poor guy only got to sleep like 4 hours before he had to go back into work. I'm running circles around these people but I've already said to all of em, "Don't get used to it!" Because I ain't Superwoman and this is going to start pissing me off soon. :)

K played goalie for her first half and played forward the second half. McKinney FC won! It was good to see some soccer again...with the buzzing of those World Cup horns.

Me: You were awesome tonight!

K: I let 2 goals in.

Me: Oh good god, you're just like your daddy. What about the 4+ goals you saved?

K: I still let in 2 goals.

Me: And how many goals did you make?

K: 2.

Me: So you made up for em. Shut up.

K: Did you see that one I made with my left foot?

Me: The slider? Yah, did you see me almost fall off the bleachers cause I got my feet tangled when I jumped up to cheer?

K: No, I'm sorry I missed that.

Me: Was Coach J proud of you?

K: Yah, he kept telling all the girls to watch me and follow me. He's gonna make me the most hated player on the team.

Me: Why? Cause he keeps making me an example?

K: No, because....wait....what does example mean?

Me: It means he's putting you on a pedestal and making the other girls feel like they aren't good enough.

K: Yah.....he's making me an example.

Me: I'll talk to him about it. Nobody will hate you baby.

K: Wear a tube top when you talk to him....that seems to work when you want something.

Me: You got it kid. :)

Have a great Tuesday everybody! I'm off to the hospital with M today for her first endocrinologist meeting. God I hate hospitals. :(

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.

Schools OUT!

Am I the only parent that loves when school is out? I don't think I am but I know a lot of people that like the schedule of school. I like a schedule, don't get me wrong. Shit, my life is a freaking schedule now. But there is nothing sweeter than silence in the morning. There is no need to yell out, "Get UP!" Not once have I said the sentence, "Hurry UP!"

Okay, reality check. In about a month, I'm probably going to post a blog about how I hate summer because the kids have said, "I'm bored. There's nothing to do." Granted, with the kids being older, they can pretty much find ways to occupy their bored times in the form of some technological device. That's what I do when I'm bored. {{dirty thought}}

I'm so incredibly exhausted. I'm so tired, that on a regular basis, I act drunk because my mind is so exhausted. No, I'm really not drunk....I swear. I don't remember things I should remember. I don't recognize people that I should recognize. I say things that don't make sense. And lastly, my writing is kind of suffering too. And don't think I don't sleep. Oh, I sleep alright. It's just even in my sleep, my mind is buzzing. I dream of diabetes. I dream of numbers. I dream of syringes. I dream of expired insulin. I dream of over feeding M with french fries. When I wake up, I feel like I've ran a marathon...well, a 5K cause I'll never be in shape enough to run a marathon.

Because I'm so exhausted, my social skills are suffering. I don't have the energy to be a social butterfly. I don't even have the energy to be a hermit. And sure, there are little glimpses of who I used to be here and there but the glimpses are fleeting.

Today, I'm going back to work. I'm a little worried about M but there's nothing I can do. My mother, bless her heart, told me to quit. Thanks mom. That's the last thing you should tell somebody. I know though, she's thinking with what happened to M, I need to focus all my energy on her. I know, I get that but I truly don't have anymore energy that I'm already giving her. You see, when I sleep, I'm thinking about it. When I'm awake, I'm thinking about it. Watching TV, every other commercial is about a meter or diabetes. Reading a magazine, every 5 pages is an advertisement for a glucose meter. It's freaking everywhere! I'm not in lala land, trying to avoid the issue. Trust me, my energy is all on this.

So today, I hope to discover at work that putting another task in front of me will make me relax. And I know it's weird to think that a busy pharmacy will be relaxing but hey, a girl can dream yanno? I know that I'm going to look at the clock today and wonder if M had her snack, or what her blood sugar was, or if she ate lunch but even with that....at least my energy will be distributed among other things too.

I'm fooling myself, aren't I? Have a great Friday people! I'll see you all on Monday, bright and early!

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.

Sorry I was Absent Yesterday. :(

My husband and I had a busy day yesterday. We had our first class. It was called English Diabetes 101. It was basically a refresher course of sorts from last week but I got a lot more out of it. My husband? Yah, he would've rather been home sleeping. I think it's the idea that we have to be "taught" how to take care of OUR child that he's resenting. He doesn't quite get that we actually need help now understanding. He's just looking at it like a man being told he's WRONG!

However, in sitting with a man that really didn't want to be there, I did laugh a bit more than I have in the last week. Laughing to me is almost surprising. It's like when someone dies and the first time you laugh, it surprises you and you think, "Am I allowed to laugh yet?" The answer is yes, you are allowed to laugh. You are allowed to cry and most important, whatever emotion you're having, embrace it.

So we had four sets of people in the class. We had the over protective mom that is really pissed off that diabetes has changed her life. (I totally relate to this woman but I'm not as bitchy about it.) SHOCKER! We had the quiet mom and grandmother that doesn't quite understand this disease and feel sad for their son because he was diagnosed on his 6th birthday. (Yah, that one broke my heart.) We had the couple with a 5 year old. The mom was more understanding of the disease but the dad was desperately trying to appear like he got it MORE! (He had a Northeastern accent that boomed throughout the conference room. Highly annoyed my husband.) And finally there was me and my husband. The couple that complimented each other. My husband with the look of, "When's lunch?" Me with the eye rolls of, "God please don't let him embarrass me."

Turns out, we were the misfits of the class. Go us! The question being asked by the other sets were a little scary. We were the most recently diagnosed family and their questions made us feel like we ruled! Of course, I learned a lot and left feeling like life isn't really that difficult if you follow the plan. I had to get that out because when you see the conversations my husband and I had...it may not seem like we were listening.

Husband: This is ridiculous!

Me: Oh pipe down, it's lunch time.

Husband: I hope they ask us to critique this class because I've got some things to say.

Me: Oh good lord, what?

Husband: Um....like if you say lunch is at 11:30am...maybe you should send us to lunch at 11:30!!!

Me: It's. 11:40am.

Husband: Again, if we're in a class about abiding by a diabetes schedule, they should prolly abide by a schedule too.

Me: I didn't realize you were diabetic too.

Husband: Oh shut up....I'm freaking starving.

Me: If I give you my moon pie, will YOU shut up?

Husband: I love how they're allowing us to go to lunch. Are they paying us to come to this class?

Me: I wish I brought my earphones so I wouldn't have to listen to your bitching at lunch.

Husband: Are you really giving me your moon pie?

Me: ::sigh:: If you quite whinebaggin, you may have my moon pie. :)

After going back after lunch, he conveniently forgot about the "No Whinebaggin" rule.

Husband: These freaking chairs are uncomfortable.

Me: Would you rather have diabetes for the rest of your life or sit in these chairs for 6 hours?

Husband: Hmmmmmmmm, tough call. I mean, really, it's a hard decision seeing as I've already been sitting in them for 3 hours.

Me: You're an idiot.

Husband: No, I'm just freaking uncomfortable in these chairs! How come the teacher gets a cushioned chair?

Me: I don't freaking know. Seriously, shut up.

Husband: I'm so gonna steal it.

Me: Why do you insist of making us the most hated parents in the room?

Husband: How's me needing a cushion for my ass make me hated?

::He totally switched the chairs. Then when he sat down, he moved his shirt so they would see his gun and badge::

Me: You're kidding, right?

Husband: Nope! I dare her to take it back.

She didn't but she noticed her chair was missing.

And finally, class was almost over. We could see the traffic on the highway! So ready to say goodbye to the hospital. Mr. Northeastern Accent decides it was time to start asking questions. I wish I could've got a picture but the look on my husband's face made me pigsnort. He looked like he was going to kill someone...and we knew who he wanted to kill.

Me: What are you thinking right now? ::snort::

Husband: Me? Oh that I wanna kick this guy's ass.

Me: I know, I could feel it. The air around me smelled like smoke and heavier.

Husband: I don't think it was a good idea to bring my gun.

Me: Oh shut up!

Husband: No seriously, this guy needs an ass whooping. I'm hungry again. You got any snacks in that bag of tricks of yours?

Me: I have some low carb fruit snacks.

Husband: SCORE!

::crackle crackle shake shake chomp chomp::

Husband: Oh ugh, these taste like the inside of a monkey's ass.

Me: I swear, I'm gonna move.

Husband: ::whispering:: But they really do!

Me: Your over exageration of the yuck meter on those is ridiculous. A monkey's ass?

Husband: I wouldn't even share em with Mister McI talk too much....they're that bad.

Me: I have a shortbread cookie but it's carb free and I'm afraid of the next analogy.

And then it was over. We came home and life returned to normal. Or as normal as it can be. Have a great Thursday people. I missed you yesterday!


If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.

I Pity the Fool.

I'm talking about my husband (the asshole). He's been so strong through this whole ordeal and even though I put on a front, this has been a little difficult to keep the strength. Don't get me wrong, his strength is kind of annoying but most of the time, it's welcomed with relief. Trust me, I can't reassure everybody in this house. Sometimes I need a little reassurance and my husband is doing a pretty good job doing it.

However! He has his moments too. He's almost clueless to the expense of this adventure we're on. When I seem stressed or overwhelmed, he thinks it's an overreaction of sorts. And before everybody jumps on him, I need to relay that this is probably as stressful or overwhelming to him....he's just not going to admit it. He's a dude. He's Mr. Fix-it. Men have to fix everything even when everything isn't fixable. An admission from me that I'm scared prompts an ensemble of him trying to tell me to stop being scared. When all I really wanna do is admit that I'm scared. I don't want to fix it. I just want to say it out loud.

Like last night. M and I are getting her school snacks and bags ready. It requires a lot of thought because we have to document what each carb count is for each food. And M has to think about if the snack is gonna satisfy her hunger.

Husband: You're not gonna be stressing out tomorrow, are you?

Me: ::rolling my eyes:: Uh.....yah!

Husband: Why? It's just school. She doesn't have to do anything strenuous or anything.

Me: I don't give a shit! I'm dropping your newly diagnosed diabetic daughter off at school....into the hands of practically strangers, hoping they don't kill her. Excuse the hell outta me for being a little stressed.

Husband: You just need to calm down. You keep acting like something is stressful, you're gonna stress your daughter out.

Now all of this is being discussed in front of M. If he hadn't had opened his big fat dude mouth, M wouldn't have known I was stressed. I was perfectly fine before Mr. Calm started talking. So for reals, if you just let me do what I do and be quiet, we won't have a problem. Dudes. Clueless idiots that think their dicks fix-all.

But I pity him at the end of the day. It must be difficult to ALWAYS be strong. He knows me and knows that if I'm not working properly.....NOTHING works properly. If I break or shut down, this whole system goes to shit. So on top of being the constant strength and organizer, he has to make sure his wife has all her batteries. So I might be on edge and bite his head off a little more than usual, at the end of the day, I appreciate him more than he'll ever realize.

My only problem? I ain't gonna tell him too much because if I say anything, he'll see it as a weakness he has to fix. Annnnnnnd, I don't need to be fixed. So don't tell him I said this. I'll tell him in my own way. :)

Have a great Tuesday people! M got to school just fine this morning. It was a little embarrassing walking in with mom but I didn't wear a tube top.

Carpool Convo

Me: Everybody excited about school being out in 3 days?

Everybody: YES!!!!

Me: Y'all ready for your tests?

M2: I have all my tests on Wednesday. Today and Thursday is gonna be GREAT!

E: How do you know what days your tests are on?

M (daughter): Don't you have your schedule?

E: There was a schedule?

Me: Oh good god! E! How do you know what to study for the night before?

E: I don't study.

Me: Good luck with that. I've gotta park today and walk Megan in. You guys okay with walking with a mom into school?

M2: I don't care.

We park and get out of the car. M2 bolts! I look at Ethan and smile.

Me: I guess M2 decided she cared.

E: I don't. I'll walk in with ya.

M (daughter): Mom? Can you hold this bag?

E: I'll hold it. What it is?

M (daughter): It's my bag with insulin in it.

E: Awesome....I'm like a doctor.

Me: Nah, you're more like an IV pole. :)

We walk by the principal and he recognizes me from last week.

Principal: Hi Mrs. Bonifacio. How's Megan doing today?

E: She's standing right here. Why don't you ask her yourself?

Me: ::snort:: She doing great. Thanks for asking.

M (daughter): Great, now the principal knows me.

E: No he doesn't. He was too busy looking at your mom.

Me: E!

E: What? Good thinking on NOT wearing a tube top this morning. Although the tank top obviously has the same effect.

Me: Shut it E.

We get to the door and E opens it for us. I put my hand on his head and smile.

Me: You're really the sweetest, you know that?

E: Well, I'd do anything for you guys. Well, maybe not anything for K (younger daughter) cause she's kinda crazy. But you and M, anything.

M (daughter): I'll see ya at lunch E.

E: I'll save you a seat.

Me: ((tear))

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.

This is Why.

Happy Memorial Day! Since I am married to a Marine, I have the honor of knowing a lot of brave people that fight for our country. Thank you!

Being Monday, I should be at work but being a holiday, some other poor soul is at work. I was supposed to work tomorrow but my boss, Dennis Hopper, gave me the day off to continue to acclimate with M. I feel a teeny bit bad calling him Dennis Hopper....just a teeny bit. ;) There are only three more school days left so this week marks how next year for school, and every year thereafter will be. I have to put my trust in people to make sure my daughter is safe while she's away. My friend said it must feel like Kindergarten. It is EXACTLY like Kindergarten! I'm trying very hard not to baby M or make her feel like she's precious cargo. That is very hard to do but I'm getting it.

She still has to clean her room. Oh and guess what? She still bitches about it like she did before.

She still has to be nice to her sister. Oh and guess what? They still argue like little whiny bitches whenever they get a minute.

There were moments last week where I lost myself for a bit. I didn't feel like I'd ever be the same. I mean, how could I? My heart is broken and my head is always buzzing. But three days at home made me realize some things.

All I heard last week was diabetes doesn't end your life or it's dreams. Oh yah? Nowhere in mine or M's dreams did she have diabetes and have to inject insulin into her body four times a day. And I know why they did it. They don't want you to stop living just because you have diabetes. It's a sweet sentiment and to a kid, I bet it's a welcome statement. To a parent, whenever I heard it, I wanted to kick someone's ass. I didn't though. I just nodded my head and hoped M was listening.

You see, at first, all I could think about was the future. The long road ahead. My head was buzzing with things we had to do and wonders of how we would do it. My husband (the asshole) was doing the same thing but instead of wondering, he was basically saying, we've got stuff to do, this isn't gonna work. In my opinion, we kind of complimented each other in our way of thinking. We kind of met each other in the middle because the middle was where we were supposed to be. The middle was the present moment. No thoughts of anything but the task at hand. The moment. M was our moment. All that mattered was M and how to get her through this moment.

And finally, in a weird way, this couldn't have happened to a better kid. I know kids are resilient but M displayed bravery and strength that even inspired me. And with that, I also have to add that it couldn't have happened to better parents either. When things got too heavy or somber, I always had to lighten the mood. (I knew that quality would come in handy one of these days!) I even discovered that M has a knack for the inappropriate jokes. I'm not going to be the type of person that stops living because it's safer. I don't want to hold M back from anything. I never want M to feel that she's ruined things because it's not easy to have fun anymore with four times a day testing and injections. My husband is the organizer. He was made for this. His OCD of placing things in the exact place and knowing it was moved is going to pay off. And K, she is here to remind M that life didn't stop or change. She's still gonna bug the shit out of her!

We were made for this. We got this.

Tomorrow is Tuesday, and my last carpool. It will be a somber day. 1) Because I'll have to say goodbye to carpool convos for awhile. 2) Because I'm giving my daughter to the school and trusting they won't kill her. :) Just kidding, they're actually trained professionals....it's me and daddy that y'all have to worry about killing her. Have a great Monday!

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.

I promise....

...to not turn this blog into a diabetic diary. Yah, it's going to be mine and my daughter's life but as I've heard over and over this week, "Your dreams don't end with diabetes," my blog will still be here for me to vent my frustrations. And holy shit, do I have some frustrations!

Today's is a little late and I apologize. M came home today. I am somewhat happy and scared to have her home. I stated on my Facebook status update that I was the proud owner of a diabetic but with that comes my fear. I am responsible for her health now. Wasn't I responsible for it before? Well, yes, but now I can seriously do some damage. That scares the shit out of me. Any glitch and I am personally responsible for quite possibly damaging this little one. Oh the pressure!

She looks great! It's amazing how "well" she looks now. With the medicine, I actually could see how sick she looked before. Her little pot belly is coming back. Her cheeks are puffing out a bit. Her tiny little double chin in starting to peek out. I kind of missed her and it's nice to have her back.

Okay, lemme tell you how proud of her I am. She is so brave. While I teared up with every milestone of this disease, she just shrugged her shoulders and got over it. Her main complaint was being hungry. She had a hamburger and onion rings at almost every meal. Diabetes isn't about not eating, lemme tell ya! And thank the lord because this girl can eat! With my pride of how brave she is, I was also privileged to witness how strong she was. Here ya go people, take a glimpse and let her inspire you.

M (daughter): Can we go to the gift shop?

Me: Sure but I ain't got any money.

M (daughter): Not even for your newly diagnosed diabetic daughter???

Me: Not even for her sweetie, but I sure do love my diabetic daughter and how she's already using the system of guilt on me.

Our friend brought her over a gift tonight and the gift was earrings. They were beautiful but M doesn't have pierced ears.

Me: It's okay M, we can exchange em for maybe a necklace.

Husband: Oh, they for pierced ears?

M (daughter): Yah.

Husband: Well since you're not playing soccer anymore you can get em pierced.

M (daughter): That wasn't why I didn't have em pierced dad. I was scared of the needle. I guess that excuse goes out the window now....insulin shot anyone?

And finally.

Me: I gotta go pick up your prescriptions. Try to drink that Dr. Pepper please.

M (daughter): How much did it cost?

Me: You don't wanna know.

M (daughter): Sure I do, how much?

Me: $244 and some change.

M (daughter): Sorry about that mom.

Me: What are you sorry about? That doesn't even compare to the thousands of dollars these past 3 days are gonna cost us!

M (daughter): The food was good though.

Me: And I got you home safe and sound. I would've spent a million dollars for that.

M (daughter): Ohhhhhhhh, I think I need my blood sugar checked....Ima vomit!

I hope your Friday was as good as mine was. I got my baby girl home and that was the best part of this week. Have a fantastic weekend and be safe!

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.

Well....what do I say?

My daughter, M, was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes yesterday. I suspected it for a couple weeks now. That's not hard to admit. What is hard to admit is I was waiting until I was ready to face it instead of getting her the help she needed. :(

They admitted her immediately and transported her by ambulance to Children's Dallas. She's being very brave. She's hydrated and they're sticking her with insulin to regulate her blood sugar.

I still haven't had my moment. I was talking to someone last night and said, "I'm not ready yet. If I start to cry, it'll be too real." The reply? "Jeannie, it's already real. You have no problem speaking your thoughts....let go and let your heart speak for a change." You would've thought that would've broke me, but it didn't. I'm still trying to keep it together. I can't lose it. I just can't. That someone doesn't read my blog but I just wanted to say, I will, I promise, just not right now.

Here are some quotes from my 12 year old yesterday and some talks we had throughout the long day in the hospital.

Me: I'm so sorry.

M: Is it bad?

Me: No, but it changes everything.

M: Oh mom, it could be Cancer. I can deal with a little change.

Check her out! She's like me with her positive outlook....where the hell did mine go?

M: Diet soda?

Me: Yep!

M: Gross.

Me: Oh sweetie, do you know how hot your momma is gonna be with your new diet?

M: Yah, people are gonna ask you your secret and you can do your pose and tell em, my daughter got diabetes.

Me: Yep!

I hope everybody Thursday is good. Today is going to be information overload for both M and I. The good news is they won't let us leave the hospital without knowing everything there is to know about diabetes. I feel very comfortable knowing that. I just wish we were doing it for knowledge. I know this isn't the end of the world, I just wish it wasn't M's world now.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.