Friday is for freakazoids.

Yah, I said it. Freakazoid. It's my sister's word. It always makes me giggle. There's a lot about my sister and I that make me giggle. I'm the younger sister so that means that I'm the annoying one. The memories we share are about 30/70. 30% being typical sister-hating stuff but 70% being things that I laugh at to this day. Yah, I love my sister.

Anywho! This Friday is definitely for freakazoids. My husband had a dental appointment at 9am. My kids were on slow motion speed and I have been running around like an idiot doing nothing at all.

::Collective Sigh:: It's 9am. You'd think I was relaxing by now but nope. My husband has called me a total of 5 times in the last 15 minutes because the office is closed. Both my kids have called also to inform me that I forgot to pack their homework folder or give them money. Um, why is it my fault that the office is closed, their homework wasn't put in their backpack and I forgot to run around like a human ATM machine throwing money around? All I can say is if the bank account hadn't informed me that we got paid today, I'd be a pretty pissed off woman right now. But I'm not. ::evil grin::

You see, I plan on being anything BUT pissy this weekend. I'm fully aware that my high expectation is probably going to lead to disappointment but I'm ready for it. Tomorrow is the banquet. It's like Prom for adults. Last year I sat at the table with some friends while my husband did the Honor Guard colors for over 2 hours. Yah, fun, fun, fun. This year, he isn't doing the Honor Guard colors. That guarantees that I won't be dateless and desperate for 2 hours. Last year some girl kept flirting with my husband and informing me of how my husband sexually harasses her on a daily business. This year, this girl is planning on being an uber bitch if that girl does a repeat performance. Last year my husband got stinkin' drunk and pissed in front of about 10 people. This year that husband's wife may have to kill him if he repeats that too.

So there ya go. I've weighed the pros and cons of my weekend. I've established what went wrong last year and realized that it can't get any worse, right? Right?

Well, Friday is for freakazoids but don't ask who's more of a freakazoid. And I know I'm gonna have one helluva story to tell on Monday. It can go two ways.

1) I hate my husband.
2) I hate my husband but he has his qualities.

I think both ways will envelope some comedy. Here's hoping I don't make an ass of myself!

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


Is a personality sellable?

Okay, had my interview today. I haven't interviewed for a job in 10 years and after the interview today....I feel like I've never been interviewed before. Wow! The questions. The answers. The amount of times I looked like I had no idea what to say. Wow!

I think toward 1/4 through the interview, in my head I said, "Screw this!" and just let my personality do the interview. I mean, seriously, if you don't like my personality, you ain't gonna wanna work with me. Here were some of the questions and some of my answers.

Have you ever promised to complete a project and failed to complete the project? How did you handle that situation?

Well sure I've made promises I couldn't keep. It was never through lack of trying though. And I handled it by telling the supervisor I didn't finish it. I'm not the type of person that doesn't own up to her failures.

Do you adapt well to change?

I hate change. It bugs the crap out of me when they try to fix what isn't broken. I go with it though. I learn the new change, master it and wait for them to screw up again to change it all over again. So I guess I do adapt well to change. I hate it.

What was one problem you had at your last employment?

My boss kept hiring idiots to help out and ended up giving me more work because of them.

How did you handle and rectify that problem?

I told my boss to stop hiring idiots or I'd quit.

Did that rectify the situation?

No. I quit a few weeks later.

If an employee was having issues with doing her duties at work, would you help out or inform the supervisor?

I have no problem helping someone learn their job. I'd expect the same if I needed help. And I'm not one to tattle to the supervisor unless that employee is an idiot that supervisor hired.

Why do you want a job to be a pharmacy technician?

Because it's all I've ever done when I earned a paycheck. I'm good at it.

What areas do you think you lack and need to improve on?

Um....nothing? Well, we all have room for improvement but I'm quite perfect actually. And if I'm not performing to your standards, you better tell me. Trust me, I won't have any problem telling you that you aren't. I deserve the same honesty.

So there you have it. My interview. I was kinda nervous at first but then I told that person to go away and the real Jeanie showed up. I'm not at all nervous about somewhat returning to the working world. It's only part time.

And truly, if you play off the phony in your interview....how long can you continue being phony? Will they ever meet the real you? I couldn't imagine being hired for a job that didn't hire the real me. I mean, come on! They have to know what they're getting into, right?

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


Clueless by being male.

Men are so clueless. Well, that is incorrect. They aren't clueless where they don't realize they've done something....about fifteen minutes too late.

What pray tell had led me to this conclusion? Well, I'm not blind. I'm not stupid. I'm not a man.

I've got about a thousand things to do today to keep my mind off a job interview I have tomorrow so this is going to be a short post. My husband and I are going to a banquet on Saturday. It's an annual thing and every freaking year I have to beg my husband to take me. I mean, come on! I wanna dress up and have some fun dammit! It's like Prom for adults. So I bought a dress yesterday finally. I always wait for the last minute cause 1) I love to buy cheap dresses and boy, was this dress cheap! and 2) I would rather stress for less when it comes to wondering if I'll look alright. So the dress is bought. Megan helped out and loved it. Sound good? Well not so as I still needed my husband's approval.

So here we go. I try it on and here's the convo.

Me: So, what do you think?

Husband: Looks good. (Seriously, this guy is about to be beat. Hello??!! It's strapless and my boobs are practically popping out. "Looks good?")

Me: Do I look like a fat ass? (Yah, I went there)

Husband: No. You look good. How much you wanna bet you'll be the dressiest one there?

Me: Why?

Husband: They changed it to "dress casual" this year. All the wives are pissed cause they wanna dress up.

Me: Well shit! When were you going to inform me of this jacka$$? (Cause seriously, a heads up would've been appreciated)

Husband: What does it matter? You would've dressed up anyway. You look good.

Me: I'm not going for good. I'm going for everyone looking at us and saying, "What the hell is she doing with him?"

Husband: They say that anyway. Your tube tops are famous.

Me: So what are you wearing? (This is where my husband went from clueless to the 15 minute rule of, "Oh shit, how do I save this?")

Husband: With you in that dress? I'm wearing my black suit. I have to at least look like I somewhat belong with you.

Me: Nice save but Ima need more enthusiasm about how hot I look.

Husband: Make me. (He's kidding by the way)

Me: Okay. How about I wear the 4 inch heels and tower over your short ass making you truly look like you paid me to attend this with you. (I'm not kidding by the way)

Husband: How about I just say that you are always the prettiest one at these banquets and you settle with the 2 inch heels?

Me: Deal.

The 4 inch heels hurt my feet anyway.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


Tuesday Debauchery

It's Tuesday! Which means it's my carpool day. I love carpool Tuesday. Granted at 6:30am when I have to actually put clothes on....love is not how I would describe it. By 7:10am though...I'm ready to go. Of course, we all expected to wake up and see snow but there was no snow. The weathercaster *said* it was snowing though. Oh weatherman, you truly aren't worth more than a psychic are you?

I had the radio on when I picked the kids up. I don't usually do that but the conversation this morning was pretty funny and I couldn't bring myself to turn it down. Pick up lines. A topic that'll never get old. The consensus with the women that were talking was if you compliment them on something that they haven't heard before, they're more prone to fall for it. Instead of saying, "You are hot!" saying something like, "You have the prettiest neck." might be an improvement. Um....maybe, but I don't think I've met anybody who was smart enough to try it.

The next consensus was if you're a guy, you should always have a wingman. Not a wingman to take the ugly girl but a wingman to apologize for your "douchey" ways.

E: What does "douchey" mean? (He's 12 so why would he know this?)

M (daughter): ::giggle:: (She's 12 so why does she know this?)

Me: What are you giggling at?

M (daughter): E said "douchey" and it sounded funny.

Me: Do you know what "douchey" means? Hmmmmm?

M (daughter): I've heard you use the word before!

Me: E should listen to this. It's good stuff. I know a lot of guys that need to take a lesson on tact and pick-up lines.

M (daughter): I think E has "douchey" down pat mom.

Me: M! Maybe you need to take a lesson on not being such a brat! And I have a feeling you don't really know what "douchey" means so you better watch it.

E: Um...."Douchey" better mean irresistable because I'm not anything BUT irresistable.

Me: Yah....you go with that E. That'll get you tons of women.

E: Well, before we go, I just wanted to tell you that you have the prettiest hands.

Me: See!!! He was listening. Thanks E. That wasn't "douchey" at all!

E: What does "douchey" mean??

Oh, I can't WAIT for the phone call from E's mother today after school.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


Miserable Muses.

Most people get off on being miserable. Some can be described as pessimists. I have a tendency to be a pessimist but I'm mostly an optimist. I don't think bad things always happen to me. When bad things happen, I don't ask, "Why does this always happen to me?"

I understand the meaning of a bad day. I even understand a bad day seeming like the end of the world. It's never the end of the world until you're dead and buried though. I am not dead and buried.

One thing I have noticed is I can write like a wild woman when I'm feeling miserable. I put all the sadness, all the pain, and all the tears into my writing and I swear....I feel better. Don't get me wrong, I may feel better but the bad day hasn't disappeared. I've still woken up the next day and the bad is still there. Oh life. You suck sometimes but thanks for not killing me yet. I've still got stuff to do.

After a horrible morning yesterday that started at 12am and lasted through the night, I had hit rock bottom. I had faked it throughout the day with a smile that could've won awards. I didn't rub off on anybody. I didn't force my bad day onto others. I had made it through the day. And then my daughter, M. My daughter takes after my husband. And don't get me wrong, that's not necessarily a bad thing but it has its moments. I have key points that you can hit me with that hurt. They hurt so bad that I feel like my heart is breaking.

1) I'm a bad mother.
2) I'm a bad wife.
3) I've ruined you.

I got hit with 2 of those 3 things yesterday. And luckily for M, her dad heard the fight and came in and rescued me....or M....I'm not sure who was in more trouble actually. He did however separate us and when I was away from M, I burst into tears. How utterly ridiculous to allow a 12 year old to reduce you to tears? But you see, I wasn't just crying for that one thing. My body and my heart couldn't hold it in anymore.

So, what's the point? Well, my point is everybody has a bad day. Everybody has a moment where the world is ending. We are all human and all of that is okay. You're all allowed to have bad days. That's just life. If life didn't give you bad days, you wouldn't know what a good day was. And if your bad day carries over to the next day? Well, I always think that just means you didn't learn anything yet so life is just giving you a second chance to figure it out.

So figure it out! Cause life's hard, life sucks, life is not a picnic. It's up to you to conquer it and bring the snacks.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


The hurdles of being me.

There are many hurdles in life. Some are easy and some are painfully difficult. Whether it be a death of someone you love or the cold hard fact of never being that size 2 you were in high school, they are all hurdles. I often wish for the old days when hurdles were the size of curbs but in all honesty, those hurdles were when we were under the age of 10. Once we reached the ripe old age of 11, the hurdles grew to fences we couldn't hop over without a boost. Trust me, I tried to and ended up in handcuffs with three of my best friends in the back of a squad car.

My hurdles these days aren't really that difficult now. I try to see the good in each day I am given. Because in all seriousness, there is always something good in your day. I could choose to ignore them or I could embrace them for what they are. Little pieces of joy that made me laugh or smile.

For years I was a rejected wannabe author. Every query letter I sent out was rejected with a, "Not for me," reply. I understood the industry. I didn't like it but I understood it. It was just another hurdle I needed to jump over and no matter how many times I fell flat on my face, I still took another running start for it again. When I finally cleared that hurdle and ran for the next, it felt good. Clearing that hurdle meant I was rejected but requested. Rejection still hurts but being able to say that I'm requested too numbs it a bit. You can't go through life without a little rejection to knock you back to earth.

People in my life, whether they be men or women, have always put me on a tall pedestal. It's not something I resent but it is something I wish didn't happen. I'm not perfect. I cry when I'm sad. I smile when I'm happy. I pee my pants sometimes when I laugh. It's a long drop from my pedestal and when I fall, it hurts.

I got another request yesterday and I'm still racing toward that next hurdle. I don't mind if I fall flat on my face. Here's my biography. As an unpublished writer, my biography is short but in some ways it is long too. The agents don't care that I'm a brunette or have been writing since I could pick up a pencil. They just don't care.

My biography is short and simple. I am a daughter, a mother, a wife and a friend. Charles M. Schulz was once quoted, “Big sisters are like the crab grass in the lawn of life.” He was an only child and probably needed introducing to a few thousand little sisters. I am also a little sister.

I read this to my husband last night and what he said had the potential to really bug the crap out of me but I decided to see the good in it.

Him: You are so much more than that. You come across as boring and you are anything but boring.

Me: Thank you but they don't care.

Him: I do though. I want you to know that after each of those descriptions, there is an entire essay about how good you are at every one of them.

Me: Yah, but they don't care.

Him: Well, I guess you're right about that if that got someone interested but just imagine how interested they would be if they knew exactly who you were.

Me: Seriously, they don't care.

Him: Yah, you said that already. I just hope one of these days you get to actually say who you are and then you'll see that I'm right.

Me: Thank you. But seriously, they don't care.

Him: Oh shut up! You need to add on to that biography that you're a pain in the ass.

Me: I did. I said I was a wife.

And ladies and gentlemen, I am a pain in the ass. If I wasn't, I would've never started jumping those hurdles when I turned 11.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


Redneck Filipino

Ah yes, I hope I never run out of things to say because if I do, just shoot me. I've mentioned in my "biography" that I'm married. I even mentioned the husband yesterday. Let me properly introduce you because it's not very nice not to.

He's a dad. He's a brother. He's a son. He's a police officer. He's an ex-Marine. He's a hunter. And finally, he's a friend.

Okay, on paper, he's quite the man. Ah, who am I kidding? In person, he's quite the man too. But with every man, there are some flaws. Some of them are cute. Some of them? Not so cute.

He's a great dad. His little girls have him wrapped around their tiny, skinny fingers. I feel kind of sorry for him sometimes because he's so whipped, it's sometimes pathetic. I've often wondered if I had a son, would I be as whipped?

He's a great brother. He has a sister and a brother. They are both younger so they look up to him. He was the first one to graduate high school. He was the first one to begin his career in law enforcement. He was the first one to get married. He was the first one to purchase his first home. He is the example of what to do. I'm sure it's quite annoying to them in a way but I'm also sure they appreciate them.

He's a very good son. His parents are a little tiring with their life decisions. They truly are great parents though. They love their kids like parents should love their kids.

And here is where we come to who he is. To be honest with you, I am sometimes confused at to who I married sometimes. Being a police officer, he's got quite the ego. Being an ex-Marine, multiply that ego by a thousand. Being a hunter, well, actually, this is the strange part yet so fitting. Here's a conversation to prove why it's fitting.

Him: Did you see that French guy ask Apollo Ohno for help when he slipped on the ice?

Me: Did he? (Yeah, I totally fell for this)

Him: Of course he did, the French always ask the Americans for help. Any minute now he's going to blame Apollo for his slip. God, I hate the French!

Me: Who else do you hate?

Him: Canada.

Me: Canada? Jeez, they're the most gentle country in this world.

Him: Exactly, they don't do anything for us. They're a bunch of wimps. I hate Italians too.

Me: Seriously, my question should've been who you don't hate.

Him: Oh, that's easy. I don't hate Australians. I hate New Zealand though.

Me: It's practically the same country. What did New Zealand do to you?

Him: They try too hard to be Australia.

This conversation could've been at least an all-nighter but I'll spare you anymore ridiculousness. The kicker here? He's Filipino! My husband was born here so he's really Filipino American but he's technically a foreigner....who hates foreigners. He's a freaking redneck!

Side note and a confession. I am also a redneck and damn proud of it. There is nothing wrong with being a redneck. Well....maybe a couple things but those are the rednecks we do not speak of.

So here is my husband. We've been together for over twenty years. We've been married for over thirteen years. He's a dad, a brother, a son, an ex-Marine, a police officer, a friend and a husband.

He's a redneck Filipino.

He is NOT my cousin though. I actually love Canada and New Zealand.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


New rule.....same rule.

Okay, this might offend some people, but remember, you were warned.

I have a rule. Don't call me a bitch. Now, that isn't to be confused with the fact that I actually AM a bitch. But if you are male, don't call me one. It's disrespectful. It'll also get you a barrage of dirty looks and make your life hell for awhile. Just ask any guy that's ever called me that before.

Clarification: Teasing me by calling me a bitch is allowed. Calling me a bitch when I'm actually being a bitch isn't.

Confused yet? Imagine being my husband....or any other male I hang out with!

Okay, so that's the same rule. Oh and a fellow female is ALLOWED to call me a bitch but that's because in this world, I feel bitches need to embrace their bitchiness and unite. Now to the new rule. As you all know, I have two daughters. This house is destined to be an estrogen palace in a couple years and it's only going to get worse. My tween M is a sweet child but she has her moments. And me being a female, I've on occasion called her a bitch. That may shock some people but suck it up! So the other day after a day out with their daddy, the brood came home in a tizzy. Here's the conversation.

M: Mom! Dad's being mean to me! (This is a typical complaint.)

Me: What else is new? Lemme guess, you got hungry and Dad said no. (Megan could eat an entire cow if she put her mind to it. She's always hungry.)

Husband: No. She wanted me to buy her a new soccer ball and when I said no, she started acting like a little bitch.

M: See!!??

Okay, the whiplash that I suffered when I jerked my head up was painful but the physical restraint I displayed from slapping my husband upside his head was even more difficult. No, no! Well, I'm a good wife so I asked the girls to disappear while I had a discussion with their daddy. Trust me, chastising him in front of the kids would've probably proved useless. My husband is a proud and stupid man sometimes. Here's how the conversation went.

Me: Um, you're not allowed to call your daughter a bitch anymore than you're allowed to call me one.

Husband: Oh but you can call her one?

Me: Yes I can. I'm sorry but you're not allowed in the bitch clubhouse. If I ever hear you call her a bitch again, to her face, I will make your life hell and you will pay dearly for it. Got it?

Husband: Sure thing but I reserve the right to lay down my own rules. You get to call me every name in the book. I'd like to make my own "no,no" names.

Me: Lay it on me then.

Husband: A$$hole and Dumba$$.

Me: Is that it?

Husband: That's it.

Me: You got yourself a deal, Dickhead and Jacka$$!

Husband: Bitch.

Now you see, that one was allowed! He was just teasing.....I think.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


The kindness of others is just a fantasy?

It's kind of a double crap shoot today so try to keep up. The comedic genius that I'm surrounded by is phenominal.

So yesterday I went to the grocery story and bought the fixings for some tostadas. I can't fry a corn tortilla to save my life so I had to wait for my tortilla fryer (ie. my husband) to get home before I could enjoy them. Of course the purchase was for the benefit of my stomach as well as my husbands but hey, shut up....it was good. So anyway, as we are enjoying our tostadas, we're also watching the pairs figure skating of the Olympics. Now my husband knows everything! (sarcasm) He would make the perfect judge for any event as he's "perfect" in everything. Nevermind that he's never skated or danced for that matter, he's still under the illusion that he knows what's good and what isn't. So after a barrage of criticism of a triple loop and double axle, we were patiently waiting for the Germans to perform their program. Here is why I loathe my husband at times.

Him: Why do the Germans have Russian last names?

Me: How the hell do you know what a Russian last name is?

Him: I can tell! They usually have a "k" or a "ch" in it.

Me: Oh puhlease! Give me one German name. I dare ya!


Me: ::silence:: Dammit!

Yeah, it's okay, you can hate him too. Don't worry though because he's bound to say something stupid later in the week to make up for his genius answer.

So this morning is Carpool Tuesday. M2 delivered everybody in the neighborhood on Sunday, Valentine's Day cookies. The were heart-shaped sugar cookies with pink icing. Um......YUMMY!!! And let me also say that it was 22 degrees outside when she hand-delivered these cookies. I told you M2 was uber sweet. My daughter M was in a bad mood this morning so she didn't participate in the conversation.

Me: M2, thank you for the fantastic cookies on Valentine's Day! It was perfect timing as I was about to start eating spoonfuls of icing to get my sugar fix.

M2: Oh, you're welcome. Did you feel the love?

Me: I did. And it was so cold too so double thanks!

M2: Did you like my cookies E?

E: They were okay. We had a friend bring over cookies earlier that were awesome.

Me: E! You are such a.....a.....peckerhead! (I'm perfectly aware that I called a 12 year old a dickhead but seriously, he deserved it!)

M2: I will never deliver cookies to you again. Miss Jean will be getting yours now.


M2: I'll have you know that I froze my butt off while delivering those cookies. And while you laid all snuggled in your blanket by a warm fire eating your "awesome" cookies, my feet were turning blue.

E: Ladies, please. Your fantasies of me are all wrong. There was no fire.

So, back to the subject. "The kindness of others is just fantasy?" Granted, my kindness was purely for my benefit but he did get a couple tostadas too. AND he managed to shut me up for a second. M2's kindness wasn't for anything but to spread the love. Or as E thinks, so she could sneak a peek at his manliness by a warm fire. I'm going with M2 was just being her usual sweet self. E is just being a peckerhead.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


Love 101

In honor of Valentine's Day and because I am such a know-it-all about it, I've put together some quotes. Well, they're quotes that I've probably ruined because they don't make any sense at all.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry." Ima call bullshit on that....if you did something wrong...you bettah say you're sorry. Just sayin'!

"Love isn't about flowers and candy....it's how you show it all year long." Nah....flowers and candy are good too.

"Never go to sleep angry." Cause I will kill you while you sleep!

"Love is like an eternal smile." Seriously, what the hell are smiling about?

"A hug from your true love is like giving him your heart to hold for safe-keeping." Until he grabs your ass and then you know he's just horny.

"The best kisses are first thing in the morning because it just means he wants another day with you." Um....after a tooth brushing and a swig of Scope perhaps. Cause anything before is just gross.

"Whoever wins the fight really loses. Love always wins in the end." Sooooooooo, in other words.....love is for losers?

"A kiss with your true love is like your very first kiss over and over again." Ima call bullshit on this too cause my first kiss SUCKED!!! I've gotten MUCH better at it, thank you!

"True love is like being tickled until you're breathless." Or in my case until I pee my pants and beat the crap out of you for tickling me.

"Saying, I love you, is like standing naked in a room, packed full of people." Probably correct if a man said this as most men will say, I love you, once you're naked.

And there you have it. Now, I may be coming off as a love-hating woman but that's just not true. I love.....love? It's the only feeling in the world that can make you experience every emotion in the book. What other feeling can do that? Jealousy can't make you laugh. Hate can't make you smile. But love can make you feel jealousy and hate. Seriously, love is a feeling that nobody can avoid. It can happen more than once and it can happen at the same time.

Valentine's Day is just another day to me. I don't believe that you should love "better" on one specific day. You should probably do it all year long. And although I know a lot of flowers and candy were given yesterday, that's okay. Hell, I got flowers and gum and it was freaking GREAT! I did feel special but when I woke up today, I felt just as loved today than I did yesterday. That's the beauty of love. I am loved by so many and I am loved for so many different reasons. I'm a good daughter, I'm a good friend and I'm a good woman.

So happy Valentine's Day but on this Monday, I hope everybody woke up feeling just as special and loved as they did yesterday because love is an everyday thing. Love actually is all around.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.



If my sister read this, she'd probably mail me a box full of crap because she lives in New Hampshire and has had a lot of snow this winter. Well sis, I live in Texas and snow in Texas is a big deal. At least, that's what Pete Delkus tells us every freaking time he reports the weather. Anyway, I'm not going to talk about the weather but I will say Pete Delkus had the nerve to call this snow storm a Snowpaloooza. No wonder all the other states hate us.

Today is Thursday and on Thursday nights, my husband works a part-time for security at a weekly hockey game. It's his favorite part-time because he gets paid to watch a hockey game. Yah, what a life! Here's why I hate this part-time. He is now looking into an adult hockey league. Good god! It's the freaking same old thing with men. They come up with a "great" idea, get all gung-ho about it and after a week, the "great" idea wasn't really such a "great" idea. I grew up with this with my father. I love my dad but this is the guy that bought an expensive bicycle so he could save gas and ride his bike to work.

He did it for a week. Guess who has the bike now? My husband.

He also once bought one of those stationary bikes and parked it in front of the TV thinking he'd get in shape doing what he loves the most.

That stationary bike turned into a coat rack.

When my husband mentioned his pro-hockey dreams I of course did the worst thing ever for a wife to do. I laughed at him. Now he's more determined than ever to do it. I mentioned he might wanna try a pair of in-line skates first before attempting a virgin skate over ice. He's looking for a pair right now. I'm having dreams of getting this man practicing his skating on video. I'm also having dreams of one day being a ballerina too but you don't see me buying a tutu and twirling throughout the neighborhood either.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


Why I'm the favorite.

Today was my carpool day. My neighbor kindly took mine yesterday because both of my kids were home sick. This is the neighbor that asked me, "Why does my son like your carpool days more than mine? What do you do that I'm not doing?" Ha! Well, she's E's mom and I didn't have the guts to tell her that I'm the favorite because I actually "talk" to the kids. I can only imagine what the other parent's rides are like. Well, that's a lie.....I can imagine.

::Crickets chirping::

From the minute the kids get in the car, I start talking. A carpool participant that I haven't included is another M name so we'll call her M2. She was on a cruise last week. She's a year older than my daughter and E. She's also probably the sweetest girl and my daughter is uber sweet so that's saying something. In fact, I feel a little bad that I didn't ask her about her cruise this morning but we had more important things to discuss.

1) Lack of jackets.
2) Speed reading.
3) The idiot that cut me off in the drop-off lane.

You get the drift. This is important stuff! This morning was also the Honor Roll breakfast at school. Something I am proud to say that I was invited to. My daughter M made straight A's again. I was trying to get out of the breakfast though. Not because I didn't care but because attending a celebration with M is like attending a funeral. I knew she'd much rather sit with her friends than sit with me. When M2 heard I didn't want to go, she chastised me. I think her exact words were, "How could you not go? This is a big deal!" Well, crap! I guessed I was going because I refused to be scolded by a 13 year old. Besides, I'm not stupid. Free cookies and punch? Oh yah, I'm there! Here's a conversation to close and bring it back to why I'm the favorite.

Me: Half day today!

M2: The Lightening Thief comes out in theatres on Friday!

M (daughter): Honor Roll Breakfast this morning....no History!

E: What's this about?

Me: FAIL! Come on E, don't you have anything exciting to announce?

E: Well, let's see. I have detention today which defeats a half day. I'm grounded for a week which means I can't see The Lightening Thief on Friday. Oh, and I didn't make the honor roll. What do you think?

Me: I think it sounds like you have a Twizzler up your butt.

M (daughter): There you go E!

M2: ::giggle::

E: Awww, thanks. You just gave me something exciting for later. (clearing throat) I have a Twizzler stuck up my butt! Yay me!

Me: You're very welcome. It's what I do and even better news? You won't have to share. Because, well, you know. :)

So you see why I'm the favorite?

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


Mean mommy or excused exhaustion?

Okay, fine, I'll admit it. M was really sick. Most people know how hard that is. Not that M is sick but admitting I was wrong. My youngest K came home sick yesterday after throwing up in class. I was all prepared to hold her hair back with a bucket in hand but anymore throwing up never showed up. Basically she got to come home and play with her new toys from her birthday. And because she threw up at school, she gets today off on a no throw-up rule technicality.

It might be surprising to most that I'm a major rule follower. My dad would probably make the sound effect of a ::snort:: with that admission. But seriously, I follow all the rules. Fever free for 24 hours and the icky stuff like vomit and diarhea need to be 24 hour free too. I don't believe in sharing. Now that is the truth! I don't want people to give me their cooties and I won't give people my cooties. It's too bad more people don't feel that way as usually if I have cooties, it's because some snotty kid who wasn't mine gave em to me.

So, the question today of mean mommy or excused exhaustion needs to be answered. I'm not ashamed if the answer is mean mommy. Trust me, I've been called worse. But today I'm going to write an excused exhaustion note to M. What? She got one for PE!

Dear M****,

Please excuse your mommy for being somewhat unsympathetic yesterday. (I added somewhat but we all know there was no somewhat about it.) You see, she hasn't been feeling well for over a week. In fact, she probably has what you have right now. She hasn't gotten out of making you dinner, doing your laundry, taking you to school, picking you up from school or helping you with your homework. She's had to listen to you and your sister whine and argue over probably some of the stupidest things while her head was pounding. Remember yesterday when you said your head was about to explode? Well multiply that by a thousand when you add the incessant needs of a 12 year old and an 8 year old.

Thank You,


P.S. And in case you were wondering, I still feel like poo but I'm still gonna have to suck it up and take you to the doctor and play nursemaid to you today and possibly tomorrow. Wait....what was I apologizing for?

And in closing, I have a very helpful husband at times. Yes, he works and when he comes home, he'd take over if I asked. I don't ask though because mommies never get excused absences. Mommies aren't allowed to take a sick day. Mommies aren't allowed to do anything but be mommies. So if I seem unsympathetic and quite frankly, a mean mommy.....my advice? SUCK IT UP! I do that every freaking day cause that's what mommies do!

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


Monday sniffles = excused from PE?

When I was a kid, I hated school. The only good thing about school was seeing my friends. If I didn't want to be there, I'd usually put a heating pad on my head or ditch. A note to the principal excusing me from school was usually written by me. My mother once had a meeting with the principal that produced probably over thirty forged excuse notes. The broken heart and weeks of solitude were torture. My mom had the broken heart and I was grounded for the rest of my life.

My kids today are too young to ditch and trust me, my oldest is way too good of a kid to ditch anyway. My youngest? Yeah, going to have to watch her. This morning though, my oldest, M, is suffering with yet another sinus headache. I'm not the typical parent that feels sympathy for illness other than her own. The pathetic looks on their faces and exaggerated moans and groans do nothing for me. If there is a fever, I'll cuddle and take care of you like you're on your deathbed. No fever? Forget it! No fever for M today so she's going to school. About two seconds before her carpool pulls up, she asks for me to write a note excusing her from PE.

Is she kidding?

Nope, she's not. I don't think I ever asked for a note excusing me from PE unless it was that time I sprained my ankle stepping off a one inch curb. One inch people and I was making fun of someone that tripped off that one inch curb two minutes earlier. Karma, people....is a bitch!

Back to the dilemma, how do you write a note excusing your daughter from PE? I never saw one before and I really didn't think she should be excused anyway. It's just a freaking sinus headache! Suck it up! The look on M's face was annoying as hell. It was the, on the verge of tears and I hate you, look. Gotta love THAT look! So I grab a solid white piece of paper, frantically look for a pen and begin scribbling a note for the girl suffering with a "brain aneurysm."

Dear.....PE teacher? (How sad is it that I don't know her gym teacher's name?)

Please excuse M**** from PE today. (I should've stopped there as I am her mother and that should be enough but I didn't.) She is suffering with a sinus headache and is convinced she is dying. I have supplied her broken body with enough medicine to knock out an elephant. However, if the side effects of being a twelve year old who doesn't feel good set in....just put her in the corner with a cup of water.

Thank you,

J*** Bonifacio

P.S. My number is (***) ***-****. Please call me if she doesn't survive the day and her head explodes like she's expecting.

Here's hoping M feels better by tomorrow....and of course I don't get a phone call from the PE teacher.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


Birthday Super Bowl

Today is my new 8 year old's birthday and sadly it is on Super Bowl Sunday. In honor of her, we'll call her K, I'm going to share some facts about her. Oh and GEAUX SAINTS!

K once asked Santa for a ring for Xmas. On December 26th, after throwing said ring in the grass and losing it, when asked why she did that, she replied, "The "diamond" wasn't big enough....I ain't cheap!" :/ (Grounded for 2 days)

K once said, "My friend is allergic to penis." (meaning peanuts) When asked to clarify she replied, "I meant peanuts, I know what a penis is and I hope I'm allergic to those!"

At night K sings at the top of her lungs with her iPod. One night, me and the husband sat in the hallway giggling like idiots as she sang the entire song of Hotel Room Service. "Oh you the healthy type----well here goes some egg whites!"

Whenever and wherever you are with K....if she says, "Oops. Sorry." You better clear the area cause it's about to get stinky. :)

When K asked what we were doing for her birthday, I replied, "We're having a Super Bowl Party!" She countered with, "If my cake is shaped like a football...I'm running away for my 9th birthday." Sadly, I actually handmade the cake and it actually does look like a football. I can never get my cakes to look right.

After her older sister M watched the puberty video at school, she was telling me and K about it. After hearing all about the menstruation subject, K said, "You'd think they'd find a cure for that by now." :)

And finally, the day K was born. Her big sister was holding her and asked, "Is she gonna be my best friend forever?" (M was 4) I said, "If you're lucky, she'll be your best friend even longer than forever." At which time, K grunted, farted and pooped.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


Friday Frayhem....priceless?

My youngest birthday is on Sunday which therefore means she gets to bring cupcakes to school today. The smile on her face as she proudly walked into school today carrying her two trays of cupcakes were priceless. Priceless. A word used often nowadays that means nothing. Nothing is truly priceless. Those cupcakes cost me $12.00! But yes, the smile was worth it....I guess.

My carpool was tripled this week because I'm a nice parent and neighbor. And surprisingly the conversation between me and the tweens matched with how much a dollar is truly worth to a child. Now, my kids swear that I crap money. For years, I keep telling them that the ATM in my ass has been broke since I reached the age of 16when I got my first job at K-Mart in the apparel department. Sadly, they don't believe me and have a huge dose of reality coming their way. Even sadder, I'm convinced my husband thinks he's swimming in cash but that's just cause he doesn't pay the bills and doesn't need a Xanax every 2 weeks...like me.

Again, the stars of the carpool are my daughter M and my nemesis E. M was quite quiet and I think you'll know why. E is a church boy by the way. An attribute because he has good parents. M is not a church girl unless one of our neighbors take her to church. We believe in god but we also don't believe in shoving a belief down her throat until she's old enough to decide for herself. This is a fact that E likes to tease me about because he knows I'm a tube top wearing, beer drinking and church fearing woman.

E: I had a dream last night that I finally got an iPod Touch but it was only an 8G.

Me: Pft! Only an 8G? How's your purchase of the $100 netbook coming?

E: My mom is saving my allowance. She's my personal savings account. I think I've got $12.20 so far.

M (daughter): Wow! You're rich!

Me: How does one end up with 20cents? That's a weird amount. Usually it's just a dollar amount.

E: I get paid 20cents for every chore I do.

M (daughter): That sucks! Is that even legal?

Me: At that rate, by the time you can get your netbook....it'll be out of style.

E: Well, the BISHOP says you appreciate material items if you work hard for em. It's kind of a, "God is good, life is good.....god is life." way of thinking. You know....oh wait, do you know? I don't mind working hard for things that I really want. That's the way good people should be.

Me: Said the boy who scoffed at an 8G iPod Touch. Don't try to scare me with your Bishop talk....I'll just wave my pitchfork in your face.

E: Whatever!

And there you have it! The ultimate comeback of I got him and he knew it. Gas. $2.76 a gallon. iPod Touch. $199....8G. Getting a 12 year old boy to say, "Whatever!" PRICELESS!

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


Tween angst or comedic therapy?

I'm gonna try to stay on top of this. I can do this. I know I can. :)

Tween angst. Good lord help us all. I understand it. I lived through it dangit! I know how the world seems to revolve around them but I have always been the type of person that thought the world revolved around ME! So what is a mother to do? Well, I try to find the funny. I can find funny at a funeral so this isn't very hard for me.

This morning was carpool day. I usually drive three children to school, my own being one of them. This week was minus one tween as she is on a cruise this week with her family. The stars of my carpool today are my daughter M and a neighbor boy we'll call E. Here it goes. I have a million of these so a quick synopsis. E is a sarcastic and smart boy that is my nemesis of wit. M is a very smart girl.....she's mine so I'm allowed to brag.

E: In the back of my magazine, they had a machete and a sickle for $80!

Me: Is that a good price?

M (daughter): That's your question? How about what do you need those for? You want the stupidest things!

E: If you're ever trapped in a jungle forest....don't expect me to help you.

M (daughter): Mom, if I'm ever trapped in a jungle forest.....E did it.

Me: Dully noted.....E will be my prime suspect.

I picture these two young loves twenty years from now arguing over yet another ridiculous purchase E is excited about.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.