Here's a quandry!

I've totally ran out of things to say! I know! SHOCKER! I think I'm going to just tell a story none of you knew. Excuse me if you don't care but until I get my muse back, this is the best I can do.

The day M was diagnosed with diabetes, I think everybody knew that I had already had a feeling what was coming. Call it instinct or just signs screaming at me for months that I chose to ignore. When I took her to the doctor, the long car ride prompted an apology to her for my procrastination. I had to say that I was sorry. I didn't tell her what I thought it was. I didn't want her to worry if I was wrong. I did however assure her that I was sorry and I wasn't mad at her. Cause you see, I wasn't quite ready for the answer and earlier that morning I felt like she was forcing me to get it.

When we got to the doctor and I gave the doctor her symptoms, he and I both knew what was coming. M left the room to go to the bathroom and I remained in the room. I didn't cry, I just sat there like a statue waiting for my life to crack. When M came back into the room, I realized that I had to pee too.

Now I went into the same bathroom M was just in and it had that little steel door you put your sample in. I heard the steel door open. I stood there in the bathroom, eavesdropping in a way. I heard the sounds on the other side of that square steel door. I held my breath waiting for anything. I heard the paper ripping. I heard the cap being twisted. My hearing was working very well that morning. I heard the nurse on the other side of the steel door say, "Oh no. Get the doctor."

My heart broke that moment. I left the bathroom and went back in the room with the biggest fake smile on my face. I stood there by the door just waiting. I had my hand on M's leg when the nurse came in and tested her blood sugar with a monitor. I didn't look at it. I just stood there with my eyes closed, holding onto her knee. I already knew. Instincts be gone, I'd eavesdropped on the worst news ever. I had a secret that was about to be spilled any second.

This was a moment where I didn't know if I should be the one that told my daughter of her fate or wait for the professional to do it. It's like those moments in your life that you'll never forget. Did I want M to remember this as coming from me or with me just standing beside her when the doctor told her? I didn't want to be a part of this moment. I couldn't be the one. I wasn't.

When the doctor came in and looked at me, I just closed my eyes again when he started to speak. "It's diabetes."

That was my moment. It was basically an hour of moments that I wish never happened. I pick through that day and try to figure out how I could've done those moments better or differently. If there was any moment I wouldn't change, it would be the one where I gave M a hug and said, "I'm sorry."

Happy Monday??? :) Yah, it's a happy Monday. I hope you all have a fantastic day.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


  1. That sucks, but my dad and grandma lived decades with diabetes so it could be worse.

  2. That's what M said after I apologized. "Oh mom, it's not cancer. It could be worse." And she was right as well as you. :)