I'm just not feelin it....

I've got things to do but I can't seem to find the mojo to do it. And I'm not talking about the things I have to do. Work, family, friends. I can fulfill my obligations to them....it's the other stuff. The stuff that is me. The fun stuff. The writing. The finding something fun to do. The fun stuff.

I've been feeling this way for awhile. It's not because I'm a snot monster. This started happening long before that. It's not the summer is over blues. Although the chills I experience don't make me happy. I'm gonna miss my tube tops something fierce. It's not the daily grind of counting carbs and figuring out insulin units.

I think it's just I feel like a rubber band that's too weak to stretch anymore. I can't do it all. I've got too much responsibility. When I was younger, the only responsibility I had was myself. Today, I have way more than that and sometimes, I'm the one that gets neglected. And I'm not being selfish. I'm not asking for a vacation. I'm really just babbling.

But yesterday as I laid down feeling like crap, whimpering like a meth addict, I decided to suck it up. I rolled off the bed, wrapped in my blanket and crawled through the hallway. It seems that the lower on the ground I am, the dizziness didn't attack. I've never been one to ask for help. I can do it, I just prefer not to. I found my husband asleep on the couch with the Raider game on in the background. I tapped him on the shoulder.....a couple times. When he finally became aware of my presence, I finally said it.

"I need your help."

That's all I had to say too. I've seen the look before when asking for help and the look said, "Oh god, what now?" He didn't have that look on his face. He just looked at me. It was the look of I could ask him for anything and he'd do it. I have to admit, the urge to ask for something ridiculous crossed my mind but I refrained. I needed three things.

1) We need to be fed.

2) We need coffee creamer for the morning.

3) The stupid smoke alarm needs a battery.

And yes, he did every single one. They weren't hard to do. But the thing was, he did it because I actually asked for help. Normally my rant would be, "Why do I even have to ask?" But not today, I'm just glad I finally pulled my snotty head out of my ass and asked for help.

I'm tired of feeling like the "world" depends on my strength. I'm tired of making sure every particular piece of the puzzle is perfect. I'm just plain tired. I'm not the only person in this world of work, family and friends. I'm just one freaking person. I can't be the everything on the team and I won't be.

I'm gonna recognize when I need help and actually ask for it. I'm gonna appreciate that my husband isn't a complete moron like I act like he is.

So happy Monday, I'm crawling to work today with enough Sudafed in my system to clear out a river of snot. I left my husband asleep with some defrosting ground meat in the sink. I've requested sloppy joes tonight for dinner. See? Help. I ain't ashamed to admit that I can't do it all.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.


  1. I freaking love this Jean!!!! You said it so well, and I am so proud of you!!! :) It takes a lot of guts to admit what you have just admitted in this, and Im right there with you girl...I think I'm tired too of acting like I have to be super woman, when all I have to do is ask for HELP once in a while....