Married to a Cop 101.

I know some wives that are the wives of cops would disagree but in my life....there are certain rules to follow and certain rules to break.

I didn't marry a cop. I married a Marine. If I had married a cop, I wouldn't be allowed to break any of these rules. Women that marry cops should know what they are getting into.

Being a cop means you are two different types of people. The cop isn't trusting. He/She thinks everybody is out to get him/her. He/She think everybody is breaking the law. The regular guy/girl is the complete opposite of all of that. Changing from one to the other can be difficult but most people do it.

My husband? Doesn't.

Being me, it's hard not to be social and trusting of strangers. Being me, married to a cop, it's extremely difficult to keep friendships and banter with those strangers. Bottom line people? My husband is a real asshole if you don't know him. If you know him, he's a great guy. It's the old adage teenage girls used to say to their parents, "He's a different person when we're alone." Yah, when I was a teenager, that was always a red flag. As an adult, it's my life.

I've mentioned the look on my husband's face could make babies cry for their life. Seriously, I'm not kidding he's a real asshole. If attempting to have a conversation with him, he's been known to give one word answers, prompting the attempter to walk away grumbling, "That guy's an asshole." Yep, and I think he's proud of it too. Me? Not so much. Which is hypocritical because I'm proud of my bitchiness.

Rule #1) I am Switzerland. I am not going to take a side if you hate my husband or if my husband hates you. Granted, my husband probably hates you because...em...um....you looked at him wrong. Yah, he's an asshole. I'm Switzerland....or Canada!

Rule #2) Don't think that if you and I have joked around that you are automatically allowed to joke around with my husband. My husband doesn't joke around unless he knows you.

Rule #3) If I'm standing by my husband and you come over to talk to me....don't expect my husband to join in on the conversation. Oh and please don't try to include him in on the conversation either. Trust me, you ain't gonna crack a smile and when you walk away....he's gonna talk shit about you. Trust me....he's an asshole.

Rule #4) If you and I are friends, don't even think about talking shit to me about my husband. He may be an asshole but he's my asshole. And furthermore, I'm a bit of bitch so I won't hesitate to defend my husband (who's an asshole) to the death.

Rule #5) If you piss my husband off, I may be Switzerland but do you understand that I'm probably being forced to listen to him bitch and moan about you? Do you think I enjoy listening to my husband huff and puff about the "nerd" or "dumbass" that disrespected him? Um....no. But 9 times out of 10, I'm being forced to listen to him and you are probably going to lose. The less I have to hear my husband act like an asshole....the better you stay in MY good graces. Watch yourself!

Finally, in closing, all of this goes down the toilet if he chooses to include me in this assholic movement. Whenever my husband get a little too big for his britches and thinks he can be an asshole to me....I've got this little pin that I use to pop that ego. I won't tell you what I say or do to do the popping but it's worked every time. I have been with this man for over 20 years. It's a perfection of mine and there really should be only one asshole/bitch in the house at one time. I always win. The real question is though, I think he just allows me to win most of the time. He is the man of the house and is quite possibly the smarter of the two. The way he thinks is almost genius so when I say that I always win....he's really the winner in the end.

I hate that! He's mine though and I'm his....you can just call it what it is. Perfection at its finest.

Happy Monday people! Watch your asses if you're on the road in Texas. My husband is pissed today and he ain't gonna take it out on me! :)

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.