I'm Not the Normal Type of Girl.

I know, SHOCKER!

But it's true. I don't like jewelry. I'm not a big fan of shopping for clothes. My shoe collection is so sad. Pampering such as pedicures and manicures are like torture to me. Massages? Yah, I bruise too easily.

I have a wardrobe of tube tops and shorts. I have some dresses but those dresses consist of one black dress suitable for funerals and all the others look like I'm going to Mexico. My shoes consist of over 25 pairs of flip flops and one pair of black heels. They cost me $5.88 and they are my favorites. When they die, I will probably cry for a week. I feel that way about a pair of black flip flops too. My flip flops are my staple. I even wear flip flops in the winter. Yah, I'm one of those whiners. "I'm freezing!" Well, put some damn shoes on then!

Personal pampering for most women is heaven. Pampering for me is just having the ability to sit on a comfortable chair with a beer in my hand. Pedicures make me want to vomit. I've had em so don't try to convince me otherwise. Feet, even my own, make me squirm. Don't touch my feet. You will regret it....ask my ex-boyfriend, who shall remain nameless. Manicures suck! My nails grow beautifully without the help of those ninjas that file and paint. Every freaking time I've ever gotten a manicure, my nails ended up breaking and looking like crap.

Jewelry. Every holiday, when the jewelry brochures start coming in the mail, I would turn the pages hoping to see something that I liked. Every flip of the page making that sound of defeat to me.

"I can't wear those, my ears reject earrings."

"I might wear another ring but I like the rings I already wear. What's the point?"

I'm just not like most girls. My idea of "girly" is that 5-7 days every month and that isn't a good thing. And don't get me wrong, I'm not sporty either. The idea of running around and acting like a kid again makes me hyperventilate just thinking about it. I'm just different. I'm not high maintenance. I don't expect much. Is that a good thing? First instincts might be yes but after awhile it gets a little annoying.

It's hard to find friends that share my dislikes. It's hard to keep a lasting relationship when I make it so easy. A friend who enjoys a pedicure thinks it would be weird that I'd rather get my eyebrows waxed. A man who knows I'm not about the expensive things would take advantage of that by never going the extra mile when he needs to.

My lack of "girliness" is a quandary though as I'm raising two girls who haven't quite figured out what type of girls they're going to be. My oldest is on light speed to becoming a woman and doesn't want to be. My youngest is desperately trying to speed up the process and failing miserably at it. All of this is happening while I am just trying to reach back into my failing brain of memories to when I was a "girl." I can't remember the important stuff.

1) When did I start worrying about if I smelled good? (Because seriously, it's like pulling teeth to get these girls to take a shower! Gahhhhhhd.)

2) When was a hairy leg gross? (I wish they weren't, I really hate shaving.)

3) When were boys not the evil, disgusting, incarnate of slime? (Wait, did that ever change?)

4) Should I have her dad talk to his daughter about feminine napkins? (Sorry, had to put that one in. Still funny.)

And finally 5) Is it a good thing that I've always been brutally honest with my daughters about EVERYTHING? Sex, hygiene and all the stuff mom's should be embarrassed to talk about with their daughters?

So, even though I've come to love my lack of "girliness," it's kind of bitten me in the ass in this block of my life. Because in reality, my girls are gonna have to figure this kind of stuff out on their own.

If they ever need fashion advice on what flip flops go with what tube top though....I'm their gal!

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.