I had a conversation with my father the other day. He was rolling his eyes while I whined about how tired I had been lately with my new shift at work. For a reminder, I'm working 24 hours now in the pharmacy. Compared to my 13 hours I worked previously and the 0 hours I worked before that. I'm also working until 5:30pm on those work days so I am no longer free to leave when the going gets tough. I have to stay and wade through the muck of late drop-offs and add flu shots. I. Am. In. Hell.
So anyway, my father loves me. He really does but he finds my exhaustion a joke. And even funnier, he's right. My father has worked for over 50 years at a 40+ hour a week job his entire life. He's managed people, he's yelled at people, he's fired people. He's done it all. In fact, he's done what "most" working people have done. I have never worked a 40 hour week in my entire lifetime. I've worked "maybe" 32 hours but never more. Yes, I know, you can roll your eyes too. I rolled my eyes as well with that epiphany.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a lot of things. I wanted to be a Special Ed. teacher. I wanted to be pediatrician. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to be a lot of things actually but the journey to be those people required.....an education past high school. I'm not a stupid woman. I'm pretty smart actually, but I hated school. I lasted three weeks in college....junior college that is but it was 3 weeks. My parents were smart. They said they wouldn't pay for the first semester but they would pay for the second semester. I never made it to semester two. Money well saved.
All I wanted to be was a mother. I wanted to be married. I wanted kids. But most of all, I just wanted "life" to start. You remember that feeling? When you're young and you can't wait to be an "adult" so you can do whatever you want? But now you're an "adult" and you can't quite figure out what the hell you were waiting for. I don't necessarily feel that way, I know what I was waiting for. I just wish I would've savored the freedom of being young. It wasn't really all that bad. Why did I rush to the responsibilities of being an adult? Why couldn't I dig my toes in the sand a little longer and embrace the simplicity of being a kid without a care in the world?
So on this day of non-labor, I plan on spending it with my kids and observing the simplicity of being a kid. I plan on sitting with my parents and embracing the act of being an adult with the people I rebelled against so long ago. And then maybe later? I'm gonna crack open a beer and toast to the fact that I majorly screwed up rushing toward a life as an adult. And then after the toast, I'm gonna go to bed because I have to go to work tomorrow. :) Happy Labor Day everybody. I'll see ya tomorrow. The "Other" Monday of the week.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
Showing posts with label big picture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label big picture. Show all posts
6/26/10
Did ya miss me?
I missed you all! Okay, I missed y'all a little, okay? It was a great vacation. We spent our entire time visiting with family...and not once did I want to drive an ice pick in my eye. I absolutely love my second family. Love. Them.
NOTE! I refer to them as my mom, dad, sister and brother. I'm not going to waste my time with adding the in-law. They've been in my life for over 20 years...I think I deserve this right.
Dad was unfortunately still recouping from his surgery from a few weeks back. When we arrived, he was in the hospital. There was word that he'd be in all week but it seems my dad did a little guilt trip on the doctor and got released the day after we arrived. Thankfully, me or the kids didn't have to visit a hospital on our vacation. I think we've had enough of hospitals, thank you very much. My girls hadn't see their grandparents since 2003! Mark it people! Imagine it. Meeting your grandma and grandpap for what might seem the first time ever. K was too young to even know these people. M had a memory of our last visit that really wasn't a good one. These girls needed a do over and I hoped and prayed it would be a good one.
The happiness and joy that filled the house when we arrived was touchable. I'd like to think they were equally glad to see me but they'd actually seen me in December. I was old news. The grandchildren were the cherries on this sundae. My mom had ALL of her grandchildren within hugging reach. When dad got home, K migrated to his side and never left his side...unless her cousin PM was over....then she was in cousin heaven. M was shy of course but you could tell she was happy to be with everybody. Me on the other hand, they told me I'd lost weight since December....I grabbed everybody for hugs and never wanted to let go. :)
I got to see some friends. Some I hadn't seen in years. Some I'd seen in December. Lemme tell ya, I've never felt more loved than I did over this trip. God I love the people that share my life with me. I am a very lucky girl. I've known that. I know that. I will never take it for granted.
Upon returning home, I realized that reality is what I make it. Here's my reality. No matter how hard or how easy things seem, I will always have an avenue or person to turn to. That is my reality. People come and go sadly. Some people choose to leave. Some people don't know any better than to disappear. It's the people that stay and want to stay that are worth the fight. So at home, I have MY family and MY friends. My family is always worth the fight. My friends are my fight. I have my work and I thank God every Monday and Friday that I have it to take away the constant "to do" of my life. For 8 hours, I can worry about something else. That is a great feeling.
My girls have returned back to normal where they think the world revolves around them. I continue to run circles around them while they think their turtle speed is standard. I have to remind myself that a thank you from an adolescent is like asking for a free car from the government. My husband is happy being back on patrol and you can tell he is just giddy with the idea of it.
Me? Well, I'm just trying to embrace the reality of things. To those of you that know me and love me....I love you too. To those of you that don't and just kinda like me...I kinda like you too.
I have nothing funny to say today. I have nothing humorous to get you through your day. All I can say is this marks 100 posts and I'm a lucky girl. I hope I never run out of things to say or things to laugh about. But knowing me....I'd have to be dead for that to happen. Happy Monday! This is going to be a busy week of doctor's appointments, movies, soccer games and practices. God help you....I'm riding this life somewhat solo for awhile while my other half acclimates to being a vampire. Wish me luck!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
NOTE! I refer to them as my mom, dad, sister and brother. I'm not going to waste my time with adding the in-law. They've been in my life for over 20 years...I think I deserve this right.
Dad was unfortunately still recouping from his surgery from a few weeks back. When we arrived, he was in the hospital. There was word that he'd be in all week but it seems my dad did a little guilt trip on the doctor and got released the day after we arrived. Thankfully, me or the kids didn't have to visit a hospital on our vacation. I think we've had enough of hospitals, thank you very much. My girls hadn't see their grandparents since 2003! Mark it people! Imagine it. Meeting your grandma and grandpap for what might seem the first time ever. K was too young to even know these people. M had a memory of our last visit that really wasn't a good one. These girls needed a do over and I hoped and prayed it would be a good one.
The happiness and joy that filled the house when we arrived was touchable. I'd like to think they were equally glad to see me but they'd actually seen me in December. I was old news. The grandchildren were the cherries on this sundae. My mom had ALL of her grandchildren within hugging reach. When dad got home, K migrated to his side and never left his side...unless her cousin PM was over....then she was in cousin heaven. M was shy of course but you could tell she was happy to be with everybody. Me on the other hand, they told me I'd lost weight since December....I grabbed everybody for hugs and never wanted to let go. :)
I got to see some friends. Some I hadn't seen in years. Some I'd seen in December. Lemme tell ya, I've never felt more loved than I did over this trip. God I love the people that share my life with me. I am a very lucky girl. I've known that. I know that. I will never take it for granted.
Upon returning home, I realized that reality is what I make it. Here's my reality. No matter how hard or how easy things seem, I will always have an avenue or person to turn to. That is my reality. People come and go sadly. Some people choose to leave. Some people don't know any better than to disappear. It's the people that stay and want to stay that are worth the fight. So at home, I have MY family and MY friends. My family is always worth the fight. My friends are my fight. I have my work and I thank God every Monday and Friday that I have it to take away the constant "to do" of my life. For 8 hours, I can worry about something else. That is a great feeling.
My girls have returned back to normal where they think the world revolves around them. I continue to run circles around them while they think their turtle speed is standard. I have to remind myself that a thank you from an adolescent is like asking for a free car from the government. My husband is happy being back on patrol and you can tell he is just giddy with the idea of it.
Me? Well, I'm just trying to embrace the reality of things. To those of you that know me and love me....I love you too. To those of you that don't and just kinda like me...I kinda like you too.
I have nothing funny to say today. I have nothing humorous to get you through your day. All I can say is this marks 100 posts and I'm a lucky girl. I hope I never run out of things to say or things to laugh about. But knowing me....I'd have to be dead for that to happen. Happy Monday! This is going to be a busy week of doctor's appointments, movies, soccer games and practices. God help you....I'm riding this life somewhat solo for awhile while my other half acclimates to being a vampire. Wish me luck!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
6/10/10
Shake your.....tailbone?
Did y'all know that we have a tail bone? Which means somewhere along the line, we had a freaking tail? That is amazing to me but only in the sense that we still have a tailbone of useless bones. Well, I broke mine after giving birth to M. She was a tiny little thing so the fact that I still broke it is peculiar. Well, I broke it again after K. Again, she was another tiny little baby so jeez god, gimme a freaking break here!
You can't fix a broken tailbone. Well, they say they can but that involves...um...er....repositioning it? Cue the scary music because repositioning it involves someone, hopefully a medical professional sticking his finger where the sun should NEVER shine and doing it from there. I have not had that procedure done. Trust me, this is a pain in the ass, no pun intended, but I'm not doing THAT!
So yesterday, me and the girls went to Six Flags. It was their first time and it was perfect. The lines were practically nothing. The weather was bearable with the constant cloud cover and occasional rain. We went on every ride that K was tall enough for. Only 3 in the park where she wasn't. So we'd been there for over 8 hours. I was so ready to get the hell out of there. I'd never done an amusement park without the help of my husband. I think I did a pretty damn good job! So the deal was, one more ride and they better pick a good one. Luckily they did pick one of my favorites. No wait, it was a quick decision on who was going to be where. Originally I had sat in the front, M in the middle and K in the back. This time it was M in the front, K in the middle and me in the back. Here it is!
Me: Hold on K!
K: You hold on mom, the back bounces around A LOT!
Me: Huh? {{ZOOOOOOOM}}
First turn and bounce? Yeah, it lifted me off the seat and slammed me back down on the corner of the chair....right, directly on my tailbone.
Me: Son of a Bitch!!!
How many more times did we do that? Freaking 10 more turns and slams. I had done it again. I knew it. It took my breath away. Tears instantly sprang to my eyes. My mouth desperately trying to find more swear words. I'm proud to say, I found a whole lot more and when we reached the end and stopped to get out, I found my last one.
Me: Mvther Fvcker!
Oh my kids loved that one. The smiles and laughs coming from them did NOTHING for the pain in my ass though. I had managed to spend the entire day at Six Flags with no injury and the last ride....freaking INJURY! The limp back to the car was pathetic. The mini whines and whimpers incited more giggles from the girls.
Cell phone conversation.
M: Hey dad, guess what? Mom broke her butt again.
Add cell phone laughter and the day was complete. Happy Thursday people! It's almost Friday!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
You can't fix a broken tailbone. Well, they say they can but that involves...um...er....repositioning it? Cue the scary music because repositioning it involves someone, hopefully a medical professional sticking his finger where the sun should NEVER shine and doing it from there. I have not had that procedure done. Trust me, this is a pain in the ass, no pun intended, but I'm not doing THAT!
So yesterday, me and the girls went to Six Flags. It was their first time and it was perfect. The lines were practically nothing. The weather was bearable with the constant cloud cover and occasional rain. We went on every ride that K was tall enough for. Only 3 in the park where she wasn't. So we'd been there for over 8 hours. I was so ready to get the hell out of there. I'd never done an amusement park without the help of my husband. I think I did a pretty damn good job! So the deal was, one more ride and they better pick a good one. Luckily they did pick one of my favorites. No wait, it was a quick decision on who was going to be where. Originally I had sat in the front, M in the middle and K in the back. This time it was M in the front, K in the middle and me in the back. Here it is!
Me: Hold on K!
K: You hold on mom, the back bounces around A LOT!
Me: Huh? {{ZOOOOOOOM}}
First turn and bounce? Yeah, it lifted me off the seat and slammed me back down on the corner of the chair....right, directly on my tailbone.
Me: Son of a Bitch!!!
How many more times did we do that? Freaking 10 more turns and slams. I had done it again. I knew it. It took my breath away. Tears instantly sprang to my eyes. My mouth desperately trying to find more swear words. I'm proud to say, I found a whole lot more and when we reached the end and stopped to get out, I found my last one.
Me: Mvther Fvcker!
Oh my kids loved that one. The smiles and laughs coming from them did NOTHING for the pain in my ass though. I had managed to spend the entire day at Six Flags with no injury and the last ride....freaking INJURY! The limp back to the car was pathetic. The mini whines and whimpers incited more giggles from the girls.
Cell phone conversation.
M: Hey dad, guess what? Mom broke her butt again.
Add cell phone laughter and the day was complete. Happy Thursday people! It's almost Friday!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
6/3/10
Sorry I was Absent Yesterday. :(
My husband and I had a busy day yesterday. We had our first class. It was called English Diabetes 101. It was basically a refresher course of sorts from last week but I got a lot more out of it. My husband? Yah, he would've rather been home sleeping. I think it's the idea that we have to be "taught" how to take care of OUR child that he's resenting. He doesn't quite get that we actually need help now understanding. He's just looking at it like a man being told he's WRONG!
However, in sitting with a man that really didn't want to be there, I did laugh a bit more than I have in the last week. Laughing to me is almost surprising. It's like when someone dies and the first time you laugh, it surprises you and you think, "Am I allowed to laugh yet?" The answer is yes, you are allowed to laugh. You are allowed to cry and most important, whatever emotion you're having, embrace it.
So we had four sets of people in the class. We had the over protective mom that is really pissed off that diabetes has changed her life. (I totally relate to this woman but I'm not as bitchy about it.) SHOCKER! We had the quiet mom and grandmother that doesn't quite understand this disease and feel sad for their son because he was diagnosed on his 6th birthday. (Yah, that one broke my heart.) We had the couple with a 5 year old. The mom was more understanding of the disease but the dad was desperately trying to appear like he got it MORE! (He had a Northeastern accent that boomed throughout the conference room. Highly annoyed my husband.) And finally there was me and my husband. The couple that complimented each other. My husband with the look of, "When's lunch?" Me with the eye rolls of, "God please don't let him embarrass me."
Turns out, we were the misfits of the class. Go us! The question being asked by the other sets were a little scary. We were the most recently diagnosed family and their questions made us feel like we ruled! Of course, I learned a lot and left feeling like life isn't really that difficult if you follow the plan. I had to get that out because when you see the conversations my husband and I had...it may not seem like we were listening.
Husband: This is ridiculous!
Me: Oh pipe down, it's lunch time.
Husband: I hope they ask us to critique this class because I've got some things to say.
Me: Oh good lord, what?
Husband: Um....like if you say lunch is at 11:30am...maybe you should send us to lunch at 11:30!!!
Me: It's. 11:40am.
Husband: Again, if we're in a class about abiding by a diabetes schedule, they should prolly abide by a schedule too.
Me: I didn't realize you were diabetic too.
Husband: Oh shut up....I'm freaking starving.
Me: If I give you my moon pie, will YOU shut up?
Husband: I love how they're allowing us to go to lunch. Are they paying us to come to this class?
Me: I wish I brought my earphones so I wouldn't have to listen to your bitching at lunch.
Husband: Are you really giving me your moon pie?
Me: ::sigh:: If you quite whinebaggin, you may have my moon pie. :)
After going back after lunch, he conveniently forgot about the "No Whinebaggin" rule.
Husband: These freaking chairs are uncomfortable.
Me: Would you rather have diabetes for the rest of your life or sit in these chairs for 6 hours?
Husband: Hmmmmmmmm, tough call. I mean, really, it's a hard decision seeing as I've already been sitting in them for 3 hours.
Me: You're an idiot.
Husband: No, I'm just freaking uncomfortable in these chairs! How come the teacher gets a cushioned chair?
Me: I don't freaking know. Seriously, shut up.
Husband: I'm so gonna steal it.
Me: Why do you insist of making us the most hated parents in the room?
Husband: How's me needing a cushion for my ass make me hated?
::He totally switched the chairs. Then when he sat down, he moved his shirt so they would see his gun and badge::
Me: You're kidding, right?
Husband: Nope! I dare her to take it back.
She didn't but she noticed her chair was missing.
And finally, class was almost over. We could see the traffic on the highway! So ready to say goodbye to the hospital. Mr. Northeastern Accent decides it was time to start asking questions. I wish I could've got a picture but the look on my husband's face made me pigsnort. He looked like he was going to kill someone...and we knew who he wanted to kill.
Me: What are you thinking right now? ::snort::
Husband: Me? Oh that I wanna kick this guy's ass.
Me: I know, I could feel it. The air around me smelled like smoke and heavier.
Husband: I don't think it was a good idea to bring my gun.
Me: Oh shut up!
Husband: No seriously, this guy needs an ass whooping. I'm hungry again. You got any snacks in that bag of tricks of yours?
Me: I have some low carb fruit snacks.
Husband: SCORE!
::crackle crackle shake shake chomp chomp::
Husband: Oh ugh, these taste like the inside of a monkey's ass.
Me: I swear, I'm gonna move.
Husband: ::whispering:: But they really do!
Me: Your over exageration of the yuck meter on those is ridiculous. A monkey's ass?
Husband: I wouldn't even share em with Mister McI talk too much....they're that bad.
Me: I have a shortbread cookie but it's carb free and I'm afraid of the next analogy.
And then it was over. We came home and life returned to normal. Or as normal as it can be. Have a great Thursday people. I missed you yesterday!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
However, in sitting with a man that really didn't want to be there, I did laugh a bit more than I have in the last week. Laughing to me is almost surprising. It's like when someone dies and the first time you laugh, it surprises you and you think, "Am I allowed to laugh yet?" The answer is yes, you are allowed to laugh. You are allowed to cry and most important, whatever emotion you're having, embrace it.
So we had four sets of people in the class. We had the over protective mom that is really pissed off that diabetes has changed her life. (I totally relate to this woman but I'm not as bitchy about it.) SHOCKER! We had the quiet mom and grandmother that doesn't quite understand this disease and feel sad for their son because he was diagnosed on his 6th birthday. (Yah, that one broke my heart.) We had the couple with a 5 year old. The mom was more understanding of the disease but the dad was desperately trying to appear like he got it MORE! (He had a Northeastern accent that boomed throughout the conference room. Highly annoyed my husband.) And finally there was me and my husband. The couple that complimented each other. My husband with the look of, "When's lunch?" Me with the eye rolls of, "God please don't let him embarrass me."
Turns out, we were the misfits of the class. Go us! The question being asked by the other sets were a little scary. We were the most recently diagnosed family and their questions made us feel like we ruled! Of course, I learned a lot and left feeling like life isn't really that difficult if you follow the plan. I had to get that out because when you see the conversations my husband and I had...it may not seem like we were listening.
Husband: This is ridiculous!
Me: Oh pipe down, it's lunch time.
Husband: I hope they ask us to critique this class because I've got some things to say.
Me: Oh good lord, what?
Husband: Um....like if you say lunch is at 11:30am...maybe you should send us to lunch at 11:30!!!
Me: It's. 11:40am.
Husband: Again, if we're in a class about abiding by a diabetes schedule, they should prolly abide by a schedule too.
Me: I didn't realize you were diabetic too.
Husband: Oh shut up....I'm freaking starving.
Me: If I give you my moon pie, will YOU shut up?
Husband: I love how they're allowing us to go to lunch. Are they paying us to come to this class?
Me: I wish I brought my earphones so I wouldn't have to listen to your bitching at lunch.
Husband: Are you really giving me your moon pie?
Me: ::sigh:: If you quite whinebaggin, you may have my moon pie. :)
After going back after lunch, he conveniently forgot about the "No Whinebaggin" rule.
Husband: These freaking chairs are uncomfortable.
Me: Would you rather have diabetes for the rest of your life or sit in these chairs for 6 hours?
Husband: Hmmmmmmmm, tough call. I mean, really, it's a hard decision seeing as I've already been sitting in them for 3 hours.
Me: You're an idiot.
Husband: No, I'm just freaking uncomfortable in these chairs! How come the teacher gets a cushioned chair?
Me: I don't freaking know. Seriously, shut up.
Husband: I'm so gonna steal it.
Me: Why do you insist of making us the most hated parents in the room?
Husband: How's me needing a cushion for my ass make me hated?
::He totally switched the chairs. Then when he sat down, he moved his shirt so they would see his gun and badge::
Me: You're kidding, right?
Husband: Nope! I dare her to take it back.
She didn't but she noticed her chair was missing.
And finally, class was almost over. We could see the traffic on the highway! So ready to say goodbye to the hospital. Mr. Northeastern Accent decides it was time to start asking questions. I wish I could've got a picture but the look on my husband's face made me pigsnort. He looked like he was going to kill someone...and we knew who he wanted to kill.
Me: What are you thinking right now? ::snort::
Husband: Me? Oh that I wanna kick this guy's ass.
Me: I know, I could feel it. The air around me smelled like smoke and heavier.
Husband: I don't think it was a good idea to bring my gun.
Me: Oh shut up!
Husband: No seriously, this guy needs an ass whooping. I'm hungry again. You got any snacks in that bag of tricks of yours?
Me: I have some low carb fruit snacks.
Husband: SCORE!
::crackle crackle shake shake chomp chomp::
Husband: Oh ugh, these taste like the inside of a monkey's ass.
Me: I swear, I'm gonna move.
Husband: ::whispering:: But they really do!
Me: Your over exageration of the yuck meter on those is ridiculous. A monkey's ass?
Husband: I wouldn't even share em with Mister McI talk too much....they're that bad.
Me: I have a shortbread cookie but it's carb free and I'm afraid of the next analogy.
And then it was over. We came home and life returned to normal. Or as normal as it can be. Have a great Thursday people. I missed you yesterday!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
6/1/10
I Pity the Fool.
I'm talking about my husband (the asshole). He's been so strong through this whole ordeal and even though I put on a front, this has been a little difficult to keep the strength. Don't get me wrong, his strength is kind of annoying but most of the time, it's welcomed with relief. Trust me, I can't reassure everybody in this house. Sometimes I need a little reassurance and my husband is doing a pretty good job doing it.
However! He has his moments too. He's almost clueless to the expense of this adventure we're on. When I seem stressed or overwhelmed, he thinks it's an overreaction of sorts. And before everybody jumps on him, I need to relay that this is probably as stressful or overwhelming to him....he's just not going to admit it. He's a dude. He's Mr. Fix-it. Men have to fix everything even when everything isn't fixable. An admission from me that I'm scared prompts an ensemble of him trying to tell me to stop being scared. When all I really wanna do is admit that I'm scared. I don't want to fix it. I just want to say it out loud.
Like last night. M and I are getting her school snacks and bags ready. It requires a lot of thought because we have to document what each carb count is for each food. And M has to think about if the snack is gonna satisfy her hunger.
Husband: You're not gonna be stressing out tomorrow, are you?
Me: ::rolling my eyes:: Uh.....yah!
Husband: Why? It's just school. She doesn't have to do anything strenuous or anything.
Me: I don't give a shit! I'm dropping your newly diagnosed diabetic daughter off at school....into the hands of practically strangers, hoping they don't kill her. Excuse the hell outta me for being a little stressed.
Husband: You just need to calm down. You keep acting like something is stressful, you're gonna stress your daughter out.
Now all of this is being discussed in front of M. If he hadn't had opened his big fat dude mouth, M wouldn't have known I was stressed. I was perfectly fine before Mr. Calm started talking. So for reals, if you just let me do what I do and be quiet, we won't have a problem. Dudes. Clueless idiots that think their dicks fix-all.
But I pity him at the end of the day. It must be difficult to ALWAYS be strong. He knows me and knows that if I'm not working properly.....NOTHING works properly. If I break or shut down, this whole system goes to shit. So on top of being the constant strength and organizer, he has to make sure his wife has all her batteries. So I might be on edge and bite his head off a little more than usual, at the end of the day, I appreciate him more than he'll ever realize.
My only problem? I ain't gonna tell him too much because if I say anything, he'll see it as a weakness he has to fix. Annnnnnnd, I don't need to be fixed. So don't tell him I said this. I'll tell him in my own way. :)
Have a great Tuesday people! M got to school just fine this morning. It was a little embarrassing walking in with mom but I didn't wear a tube top.
Carpool Convo
Me: Everybody excited about school being out in 3 days?
Everybody: YES!!!!
Me: Y'all ready for your tests?
M2: I have all my tests on Wednesday. Today and Thursday is gonna be GREAT!
E: How do you know what days your tests are on?
M (daughter): Don't you have your schedule?
E: There was a schedule?
Me: Oh good god! E! How do you know what to study for the night before?
E: I don't study.
Me: Good luck with that. I've gotta park today and walk Megan in. You guys okay with walking with a mom into school?
M2: I don't care.
We park and get out of the car. M2 bolts! I look at Ethan and smile.
Me: I guess M2 decided she cared.
E: I don't. I'll walk in with ya.
M (daughter): Mom? Can you hold this bag?
E: I'll hold it. What it is?
M (daughter): It's my bag with insulin in it.
E: Awesome....I'm like a doctor.
Me: Nah, you're more like an IV pole. :)
We walk by the principal and he recognizes me from last week.
Principal: Hi Mrs. Bonifacio. How's Megan doing today?
E: She's standing right here. Why don't you ask her yourself?
Me: ::snort:: She doing great. Thanks for asking.
M (daughter): Great, now the principal knows me.
E: No he doesn't. He was too busy looking at your mom.
Me: E!
E: What? Good thinking on NOT wearing a tube top this morning. Although the tank top obviously has the same effect.
Me: Shut it E.
We get to the door and E opens it for us. I put my hand on his head and smile.
Me: You're really the sweetest, you know that?
E: Well, I'd do anything for you guys. Well, maybe not anything for K (younger daughter) cause she's kinda crazy. But you and M, anything.
M (daughter): I'll see ya at lunch E.
E: I'll save you a seat.
Me: ((tear))
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
However! He has his moments too. He's almost clueless to the expense of this adventure we're on. When I seem stressed or overwhelmed, he thinks it's an overreaction of sorts. And before everybody jumps on him, I need to relay that this is probably as stressful or overwhelming to him....he's just not going to admit it. He's a dude. He's Mr. Fix-it. Men have to fix everything even when everything isn't fixable. An admission from me that I'm scared prompts an ensemble of him trying to tell me to stop being scared. When all I really wanna do is admit that I'm scared. I don't want to fix it. I just want to say it out loud.
Like last night. M and I are getting her school snacks and bags ready. It requires a lot of thought because we have to document what each carb count is for each food. And M has to think about if the snack is gonna satisfy her hunger.
Husband: You're not gonna be stressing out tomorrow, are you?
Me: ::rolling my eyes:: Uh.....yah!
Husband: Why? It's just school. She doesn't have to do anything strenuous or anything.
Me: I don't give a shit! I'm dropping your newly diagnosed diabetic daughter off at school....into the hands of practically strangers, hoping they don't kill her. Excuse the hell outta me for being a little stressed.
Husband: You just need to calm down. You keep acting like something is stressful, you're gonna stress your daughter out.
Now all of this is being discussed in front of M. If he hadn't had opened his big fat dude mouth, M wouldn't have known I was stressed. I was perfectly fine before Mr. Calm started talking. So for reals, if you just let me do what I do and be quiet, we won't have a problem. Dudes. Clueless idiots that think their dicks fix-all.
But I pity him at the end of the day. It must be difficult to ALWAYS be strong. He knows me and knows that if I'm not working properly.....NOTHING works properly. If I break or shut down, this whole system goes to shit. So on top of being the constant strength and organizer, he has to make sure his wife has all her batteries. So I might be on edge and bite his head off a little more than usual, at the end of the day, I appreciate him more than he'll ever realize.
My only problem? I ain't gonna tell him too much because if I say anything, he'll see it as a weakness he has to fix. Annnnnnnd, I don't need to be fixed. So don't tell him I said this. I'll tell him in my own way. :)
Have a great Tuesday people! M got to school just fine this morning. It was a little embarrassing walking in with mom but I didn't wear a tube top.
Carpool Convo
Me: Everybody excited about school being out in 3 days?
Everybody: YES!!!!
Me: Y'all ready for your tests?
M2: I have all my tests on Wednesday. Today and Thursday is gonna be GREAT!
E: How do you know what days your tests are on?
M (daughter): Don't you have your schedule?
E: There was a schedule?
Me: Oh good god! E! How do you know what to study for the night before?
E: I don't study.
Me: Good luck with that. I've gotta park today and walk Megan in. You guys okay with walking with a mom into school?
M2: I don't care.
We park and get out of the car. M2 bolts! I look at Ethan and smile.
Me: I guess M2 decided she cared.
E: I don't. I'll walk in with ya.
M (daughter): Mom? Can you hold this bag?
E: I'll hold it. What it is?
M (daughter): It's my bag with insulin in it.
E: Awesome....I'm like a doctor.
Me: Nah, you're more like an IV pole. :)
We walk by the principal and he recognizes me from last week.
Principal: Hi Mrs. Bonifacio. How's Megan doing today?
E: She's standing right here. Why don't you ask her yourself?
Me: ::snort:: She doing great. Thanks for asking.
M (daughter): Great, now the principal knows me.
E: No he doesn't. He was too busy looking at your mom.
Me: E!
E: What? Good thinking on NOT wearing a tube top this morning. Although the tank top obviously has the same effect.
Me: Shut it E.
We get to the door and E opens it for us. I put my hand on his head and smile.
Me: You're really the sweetest, you know that?
E: Well, I'd do anything for you guys. Well, maybe not anything for K (younger daughter) cause she's kinda crazy. But you and M, anything.
M (daughter): I'll see ya at lunch E.
E: I'll save you a seat.
Me: ((tear))
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
5/31/10
This is Why.
Happy Memorial Day! Since I am married to a Marine, I have the honor of knowing a lot of brave people that fight for our country. Thank you!
Being Monday, I should be at work but being a holiday, some other poor soul is at work. I was supposed to work tomorrow but my boss, Dennis Hopper, gave me the day off to continue to acclimate with M. I feel a teeny bit bad calling him Dennis Hopper....just a teeny bit. ;) There are only three more school days left so this week marks how next year for school, and every year thereafter will be. I have to put my trust in people to make sure my daughter is safe while she's away. My friend said it must feel like Kindergarten. It is EXACTLY like Kindergarten! I'm trying very hard not to baby M or make her feel like she's precious cargo. That is very hard to do but I'm getting it.
She still has to clean her room. Oh and guess what? She still bitches about it like she did before.
She still has to be nice to her sister. Oh and guess what? They still argue like little whiny bitches whenever they get a minute.
There were moments last week where I lost myself for a bit. I didn't feel like I'd ever be the same. I mean, how could I? My heart is broken and my head is always buzzing. But three days at home made me realize some things.
All I heard last week was diabetes doesn't end your life or it's dreams. Oh yah? Nowhere in mine or M's dreams did she have diabetes and have to inject insulin into her body four times a day. And I know why they did it. They don't want you to stop living just because you have diabetes. It's a sweet sentiment and to a kid, I bet it's a welcome statement. To a parent, whenever I heard it, I wanted to kick someone's ass. I didn't though. I just nodded my head and hoped M was listening.
You see, at first, all I could think about was the future. The long road ahead. My head was buzzing with things we had to do and wonders of how we would do it. My husband (the asshole) was doing the same thing but instead of wondering, he was basically saying, we've got stuff to do, this isn't gonna work. In my opinion, we kind of complimented each other in our way of thinking. We kind of met each other in the middle because the middle was where we were supposed to be. The middle was the present moment. No thoughts of anything but the task at hand. The moment. M was our moment. All that mattered was M and how to get her through this moment.
And finally, in a weird way, this couldn't have happened to a better kid. I know kids are resilient but M displayed bravery and strength that even inspired me. And with that, I also have to add that it couldn't have happened to better parents either. When things got too heavy or somber, I always had to lighten the mood. (I knew that quality would come in handy one of these days!) I even discovered that M has a knack for the inappropriate jokes. I'm not going to be the type of person that stops living because it's safer. I don't want to hold M back from anything. I never want M to feel that she's ruined things because it's not easy to have fun anymore with four times a day testing and injections. My husband is the organizer. He was made for this. His OCD of placing things in the exact place and knowing it was moved is going to pay off. And K, she is here to remind M that life didn't stop or change. She's still gonna bug the shit out of her!
We were made for this. We got this.
Tomorrow is Tuesday, and my last carpool. It will be a somber day. 1) Because I'll have to say goodbye to carpool convos for awhile. 2) Because I'm giving my daughter to the school and trusting they won't kill her. :) Just kidding, they're actually trained professionals....it's me and daddy that y'all have to worry about killing her. Have a great Monday!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
Being Monday, I should be at work but being a holiday, some other poor soul is at work. I was supposed to work tomorrow but my boss, Dennis Hopper, gave me the day off to continue to acclimate with M. I feel a teeny bit bad calling him Dennis Hopper....just a teeny bit. ;) There are only three more school days left so this week marks how next year for school, and every year thereafter will be. I have to put my trust in people to make sure my daughter is safe while she's away. My friend said it must feel like Kindergarten. It is EXACTLY like Kindergarten! I'm trying very hard not to baby M or make her feel like she's precious cargo. That is very hard to do but I'm getting it.
She still has to clean her room. Oh and guess what? She still bitches about it like she did before.
She still has to be nice to her sister. Oh and guess what? They still argue like little whiny bitches whenever they get a minute.
There were moments last week where I lost myself for a bit. I didn't feel like I'd ever be the same. I mean, how could I? My heart is broken and my head is always buzzing. But three days at home made me realize some things.
All I heard last week was diabetes doesn't end your life or it's dreams. Oh yah? Nowhere in mine or M's dreams did she have diabetes and have to inject insulin into her body four times a day. And I know why they did it. They don't want you to stop living just because you have diabetes. It's a sweet sentiment and to a kid, I bet it's a welcome statement. To a parent, whenever I heard it, I wanted to kick someone's ass. I didn't though. I just nodded my head and hoped M was listening.
You see, at first, all I could think about was the future. The long road ahead. My head was buzzing with things we had to do and wonders of how we would do it. My husband (the asshole) was doing the same thing but instead of wondering, he was basically saying, we've got stuff to do, this isn't gonna work. In my opinion, we kind of complimented each other in our way of thinking. We kind of met each other in the middle because the middle was where we were supposed to be. The middle was the present moment. No thoughts of anything but the task at hand. The moment. M was our moment. All that mattered was M and how to get her through this moment.
And finally, in a weird way, this couldn't have happened to a better kid. I know kids are resilient but M displayed bravery and strength that even inspired me. And with that, I also have to add that it couldn't have happened to better parents either. When things got too heavy or somber, I always had to lighten the mood. (I knew that quality would come in handy one of these days!) I even discovered that M has a knack for the inappropriate jokes. I'm not going to be the type of person that stops living because it's safer. I don't want to hold M back from anything. I never want M to feel that she's ruined things because it's not easy to have fun anymore with four times a day testing and injections. My husband is the organizer. He was made for this. His OCD of placing things in the exact place and knowing it was moved is going to pay off. And K, she is here to remind M that life didn't stop or change. She's still gonna bug the shit out of her!
We were made for this. We got this.
Tomorrow is Tuesday, and my last carpool. It will be a somber day. 1) Because I'll have to say goodbye to carpool convos for awhile. 2) Because I'm giving my daughter to the school and trusting they won't kill her. :) Just kidding, they're actually trained professionals....it's me and daddy that y'all have to worry about killing her. Have a great Monday!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
5/27/10
Well....what do I say?
My daughter, M, was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes yesterday. I suspected it for a couple weeks now. That's not hard to admit. What is hard to admit is I was waiting until I was ready to face it instead of getting her the help she needed. :(
They admitted her immediately and transported her by ambulance to Children's Dallas. She's being very brave. She's hydrated and they're sticking her with insulin to regulate her blood sugar.
I still haven't had my moment. I was talking to someone last night and said, "I'm not ready yet. If I start to cry, it'll be too real." The reply? "Jeannie, it's already real. You have no problem speaking your thoughts....let go and let your heart speak for a change." You would've thought that would've broke me, but it didn't. I'm still trying to keep it together. I can't lose it. I just can't. That someone doesn't read my blog but I just wanted to say, I will, I promise, just not right now.
Here are some quotes from my 12 year old yesterday and some talks we had throughout the long day in the hospital.
Me: I'm so sorry.
M: Is it bad?
Me: No, but it changes everything.
M: Oh mom, it could be Cancer. I can deal with a little change.
Check her out! She's like me with her positive outlook....where the hell did mine go?
M: Diet soda?
Me: Yep!
M: Gross.
Me: Oh sweetie, do you know how hot your momma is gonna be with your new diet?
M: Yah, people are gonna ask you your secret and you can do your pose and tell em, my daughter got diabetes.
Me: Yep!
I hope everybody Thursday is good. Today is going to be information overload for both M and I. The good news is they won't let us leave the hospital without knowing everything there is to know about diabetes. I feel very comfortable knowing that. I just wish we were doing it for knowledge. I know this isn't the end of the world, I just wish it wasn't M's world now.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
They admitted her immediately and transported her by ambulance to Children's Dallas. She's being very brave. She's hydrated and they're sticking her with insulin to regulate her blood sugar.
I still haven't had my moment. I was talking to someone last night and said, "I'm not ready yet. If I start to cry, it'll be too real." The reply? "Jeannie, it's already real. You have no problem speaking your thoughts....let go and let your heart speak for a change." You would've thought that would've broke me, but it didn't. I'm still trying to keep it together. I can't lose it. I just can't. That someone doesn't read my blog but I just wanted to say, I will, I promise, just not right now.
Here are some quotes from my 12 year old yesterday and some talks we had throughout the long day in the hospital.
Me: I'm so sorry.
M: Is it bad?
Me: No, but it changes everything.
M: Oh mom, it could be Cancer. I can deal with a little change.
Check her out! She's like me with her positive outlook....where the hell did mine go?
M: Diet soda?
Me: Yep!
M: Gross.
Me: Oh sweetie, do you know how hot your momma is gonna be with your new diet?
M: Yah, people are gonna ask you your secret and you can do your pose and tell em, my daughter got diabetes.
Me: Yep!
I hope everybody Thursday is good. Today is going to be information overload for both M and I. The good news is they won't let us leave the hospital without knowing everything there is to know about diabetes. I feel very comfortable knowing that. I just wish we were doing it for knowledge. I know this isn't the end of the world, I just wish it wasn't M's world now.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
5/26/10
Double the worry....cue the boogyman.
So today is Wednesday...Hump Day. My favorite day of the week. Today? Yah, it ain't treating me so well today.
Here's a pretty picture of what today is starting out with. My father-in-law is preparing for surgery today and tomorrow. We are kind of worried but we're not really talking about it. Avoidance has always been our forte in the Bonifacio household.
Avoidance. It should be my middle name.
For about two months now, my oldest daughter M has grown 3 inches and shrank to an annoying 75lbs. Yah, I'd give anything for her metabolism but I'm not 12. I've attributed it to puberty and hormones but something else has been going on that I've.....um....avoided. My procrastination was to wait until school was out but she was dizzy and weak this morning so today is the day. So now we've got two crisis to deal with until all the answers are given.
And whether my knack for avoidance or procrastination denies me for the 12th year in a row the award of Mother of the Year....then so be it. I can handle any crisis you throw at me after about 5 minutes of hysterics. That's all I need is 5 minutes and then it's done and over. I'm ready to handle the crisis. You give me that 5 minutes and when it's done, I'll hold you up, hand you tissues and take charge. I haven't been given my 5 minutes today yet. I've never had 2 things to worry about. Does that mean I need 10 minutes or am I just screwed?
Bottom line? I may need a shoulder later. I may need someone to slap me. I may need to just curl up in a ball and cry until there are no more tears.
My true bottom line? I'm not going to ask for any of those things. I am the strong one here. I am the one that never loses it. I am the one person that can't do any of those things.
At least not this week. Maybe next week. Have a great Hump Day people. Mine is barely getting started and I can't wait until Thursday already.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
Here's a pretty picture of what today is starting out with. My father-in-law is preparing for surgery today and tomorrow. We are kind of worried but we're not really talking about it. Avoidance has always been our forte in the Bonifacio household.
Avoidance. It should be my middle name.
For about two months now, my oldest daughter M has grown 3 inches and shrank to an annoying 75lbs. Yah, I'd give anything for her metabolism but I'm not 12. I've attributed it to puberty and hormones but something else has been going on that I've.....um....avoided. My procrastination was to wait until school was out but she was dizzy and weak this morning so today is the day. So now we've got two crisis to deal with until all the answers are given.
And whether my knack for avoidance or procrastination denies me for the 12th year in a row the award of Mother of the Year....then so be it. I can handle any crisis you throw at me after about 5 minutes of hysterics. That's all I need is 5 minutes and then it's done and over. I'm ready to handle the crisis. You give me that 5 minutes and when it's done, I'll hold you up, hand you tissues and take charge. I haven't been given my 5 minutes today yet. I've never had 2 things to worry about. Does that mean I need 10 minutes or am I just screwed?
Bottom line? I may need a shoulder later. I may need someone to slap me. I may need to just curl up in a ball and cry until there are no more tears.
My true bottom line? I'm not going to ask for any of those things. I am the strong one here. I am the one that never loses it. I am the one person that can't do any of those things.
At least not this week. Maybe next week. Have a great Hump Day people. Mine is barely getting started and I can't wait until Thursday already.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
5/18/10
If Life were a Lollypop.
So I bought this giant bag of Dum-Dums yesterday and pretty much devoured the entire bag in less than 3 hours. And hush, I shared....a couple. My tastes for certain flavors are strange. I can switch from butterscotch to fruit flavor with a flick of the tongue. I don't really care because I love my lollipops.
That is the epitome of me though. I'm not really choosy. I'm happy most of the time with whatever you throw at me and if it's a lollipop, I'm a very happy girl. When bad things happen, yah, it sucks but if there isn't anything you can do about it, what's the point of dwelling of it?
So last night after leaving the soccer game of Cops vs. Didn't know they were playing cops, my husband's take-home car went kaput. We were in Richardson on a side road. What does this mean? Well according to my husband, it's the end of the world. He's gotta use his own car and his own gas money. Yah, it sucks. That's going to add on at least $125 a week in gas money for us. Oh and his truck needs new tires before he gets his expired inspection sticker updated. We're looking at $500 in new tires. Yah, like I admitted, it sucks.
But! Here is where it's good to be with me. Now my husband bitched and moaned for like 2 hours. I probably had a sour face for about 10 minutes. Was there anything we could do differently? Nope. Were we on the freeway when the car went kaput? Nope. Do we have a car that he can use? Yep. And finally, get over it dude, it's freaking done. I mean jeez, would you rather be pissed off or just deal with it? Now my husband would probably say he would want to bitch about it but you can't be that way around me. One, because I'm not gonna let you. Two, because I'm gonna tell you to shut up because I'm tired of hearing you bitch and moan. Seriously, get over it!
So as me and the girls got a ride home in a cop car by one of our favorite officers, I managed to finish off my bag of Dum-Dums. The last flavor? Mystery. To this day, I have never hated the mystery flavor. It's never been a coconut or a chocolate one. (Which I think are the worst ideas for lollipop flavors) And that was my epiphany. Life is like a mystery lollipop. You never know what you're gonna get. But when you stick that candy delight in your mouth, it's done. There's no turning back. You're going to either be surprised or satisfied but anyway you look at it, there will always be another lollipop.
So suck it up. Life sucks sometimes but there is always going to be a little mystery and adventure to keep your taste buds excited.
Tuesday Carpool.
E: I'm finally getting my own room.
Me: How's that gonna happen?
E: My dad is giving me his office.
Me: Oh, bachelor pad.
E: Hold it, they're painting it baby blue.
Me: Oh, um.....if it's your room, why are they painting it baby blue?
E: That was the deal.
Me: You got screwed.
E: Hi, have we met...I always get screwed.
M (daughter): One word. Posters.
E: M? You really want me to get my butt kicked, don't you?
Me: Boys can't do posters anymore? No Farrah Fawcett or Cindy Crawford?
E: Who?
God, I need a lollypop. I'm getting OLD! Have a nice Tuesday!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
That is the epitome of me though. I'm not really choosy. I'm happy most of the time with whatever you throw at me and if it's a lollipop, I'm a very happy girl. When bad things happen, yah, it sucks but if there isn't anything you can do about it, what's the point of dwelling of it?
So last night after leaving the soccer game of Cops vs. Didn't know they were playing cops, my husband's take-home car went kaput. We were in Richardson on a side road. What does this mean? Well according to my husband, it's the end of the world. He's gotta use his own car and his own gas money. Yah, it sucks. That's going to add on at least $125 a week in gas money for us. Oh and his truck needs new tires before he gets his expired inspection sticker updated. We're looking at $500 in new tires. Yah, like I admitted, it sucks.
But! Here is where it's good to be with me. Now my husband bitched and moaned for like 2 hours. I probably had a sour face for about 10 minutes. Was there anything we could do differently? Nope. Were we on the freeway when the car went kaput? Nope. Do we have a car that he can use? Yep. And finally, get over it dude, it's freaking done. I mean jeez, would you rather be pissed off or just deal with it? Now my husband would probably say he would want to bitch about it but you can't be that way around me. One, because I'm not gonna let you. Two, because I'm gonna tell you to shut up because I'm tired of hearing you bitch and moan. Seriously, get over it!
So as me and the girls got a ride home in a cop car by one of our favorite officers, I managed to finish off my bag of Dum-Dums. The last flavor? Mystery. To this day, I have never hated the mystery flavor. It's never been a coconut or a chocolate one. (Which I think are the worst ideas for lollipop flavors) And that was my epiphany. Life is like a mystery lollipop. You never know what you're gonna get. But when you stick that candy delight in your mouth, it's done. There's no turning back. You're going to either be surprised or satisfied but anyway you look at it, there will always be another lollipop.
So suck it up. Life sucks sometimes but there is always going to be a little mystery and adventure to keep your taste buds excited.
Tuesday Carpool.
E: I'm finally getting my own room.
Me: How's that gonna happen?
E: My dad is giving me his office.
Me: Oh, bachelor pad.
E: Hold it, they're painting it baby blue.
Me: Oh, um.....if it's your room, why are they painting it baby blue?
E: That was the deal.
Me: You got screwed.
E: Hi, have we met...I always get screwed.
M (daughter): One word. Posters.
E: M? You really want me to get my butt kicked, don't you?
Me: Boys can't do posters anymore? No Farrah Fawcett or Cindy Crawford?
E: Who?
God, I need a lollypop. I'm getting OLD! Have a nice Tuesday!
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
5/13/10
My Theme Song
Crazy Bitch by Buck cherry. Oh yah, if I died tomorrow, it would play at my funeral as they carried my casket down the aisle. Then everybody would cry because....well, hello! I'm dead. And as they carried my casket back down the aisle, they would play it again. Cause that's how I roll.
Okay, now that that's over. What would your theme song? Would it be sad and sappy? Every funeral I've ever been to, the consensus has been to celebrate the life instead of mourning the loss. Well no shit but what about the next day when the reality of the loss hits you again. I always get hit with the realization that I can't just pick up a phone and say hi. That's what has hurt the most when I lost someone special.
Loss.
It doesn't have to be a death but in a sense, when you lose someone whether it be to circumstances or because there wasn't any room in your life anymore for that person, it still feels like a death. I don't handle loss very well. It's hard for me to let go of people that have been intricate parts of my life. I fight tooth and nail to keep them close until it's dead and black. When in reality, I should've said goodbye way before the blackness and death happened. Maybe better things might've happened if I had.
I've reconnected with so many people I thought I lost. About 90% of them are great reconnections but the other 10%? Yah, shoulda just kept on walking and never said hi. They were probably toxic before which is why they're still toxic to me. Oh and I'm not stupid enough to realize that I was probably toxic to them as well. Some people shouldn't be together when it starts to sour. Some people shoulda kept walking...shit, they shoulda ran as fast as their feet could take em.
But don't you agree that the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" of life is too tempting NOT to explore? Why do we do this to ourselves? I've never been a person that regrets anything in my life. I don't even like to use the word mistake very much either. Those two words basically mean the same thing if you think of it. But what do you call it when you wish you woulda just kept walking?
An oversight of being a stupid and dreamy female?
What if that oversight ended up hurting the other person too?
Even worse, what if the other person is happy you didn't keep walking?
Oh, I'm all over the place on this, aren't I?
Okay, changing the subject. I'm going back "home" with my family for a visit with family. My father-in-law isn't healthy and when I visited before, something told me to convince my husband to visit. That "something" was correct as he isn't doing so well. All I can hope is the procedures and surgeries being preformed on him prior to our visit fix him and he's good when we get there. I have every hope and prayer (allowable to a non-church girl) that this will be a happy visit. I also have a fear from past experiences that our time is short and our good intentions of visiting will be too little, too late. I was never a fan of my father-in-law. He was mean and nasty to everybody. In his old age, the miracle of medication has changed that. My father-in-law has always loved me from day one. He calls me "Gina." One, because he says it's his name for me and nobody elses. Two, because I swear, he doesn't know my name isn't "Gina." :)
Hold on "Dad," we'll be there soon. "Crazy Bitch" is coming home and bringing your son with her.
Happy Thursday! It's almost Friday.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
Okay, now that that's over. What would your theme song? Would it be sad and sappy? Every funeral I've ever been to, the consensus has been to celebrate the life instead of mourning the loss. Well no shit but what about the next day when the reality of the loss hits you again. I always get hit with the realization that I can't just pick up a phone and say hi. That's what has hurt the most when I lost someone special.
Loss.
It doesn't have to be a death but in a sense, when you lose someone whether it be to circumstances or because there wasn't any room in your life anymore for that person, it still feels like a death. I don't handle loss very well. It's hard for me to let go of people that have been intricate parts of my life. I fight tooth and nail to keep them close until it's dead and black. When in reality, I should've said goodbye way before the blackness and death happened. Maybe better things might've happened if I had.
I've reconnected with so many people I thought I lost. About 90% of them are great reconnections but the other 10%? Yah, shoulda just kept on walking and never said hi. They were probably toxic before which is why they're still toxic to me. Oh and I'm not stupid enough to realize that I was probably toxic to them as well. Some people shouldn't be together when it starts to sour. Some people shoulda kept walking...shit, they shoulda ran as fast as their feet could take em.
But don't you agree that the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" of life is too tempting NOT to explore? Why do we do this to ourselves? I've never been a person that regrets anything in my life. I don't even like to use the word mistake very much either. Those two words basically mean the same thing if you think of it. But what do you call it when you wish you woulda just kept walking?
An oversight of being a stupid and dreamy female?
What if that oversight ended up hurting the other person too?
Even worse, what if the other person is happy you didn't keep walking?
Oh, I'm all over the place on this, aren't I?
Okay, changing the subject. I'm going back "home" with my family for a visit with family. My father-in-law isn't healthy and when I visited before, something told me to convince my husband to visit. That "something" was correct as he isn't doing so well. All I can hope is the procedures and surgeries being preformed on him prior to our visit fix him and he's good when we get there. I have every hope and prayer (allowable to a non-church girl) that this will be a happy visit. I also have a fear from past experiences that our time is short and our good intentions of visiting will be too little, too late. I was never a fan of my father-in-law. He was mean and nasty to everybody. In his old age, the miracle of medication has changed that. My father-in-law has always loved me from day one. He calls me "Gina." One, because he says it's his name for me and nobody elses. Two, because I swear, he doesn't know my name isn't "Gina." :)
Hold on "Dad," we'll be there soon. "Crazy Bitch" is coming home and bringing your son with her.
Happy Thursday! It's almost Friday.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
5/6/10
All He Wanted....Was Me.
Have you ever known someone that knew all your dark secrets and still loved you at the end of the day?
It could be your spouse. It could be your friend. It could be a member of your immediate family. But to be loved so completely and known?
I have.
It didn't happen until after high school. I had lived such a good life so far. I had come into my own. I had become the type of girl that I wanted to be for the rest of my life. I wasn't someone to be pushed around. I thought I knew everything there needed to be known about me.
I was wrong.
What I didn't know was I was interesting. I was deep. There was so much more to me than what was on the surface. I cried when I laughed and it was adorable. When I was afraid of something, all I needed was somebody to hold my hand and go with me. I could accomplish anything I put my mind to.
What might be surprising to some people, this wasn't discovered because of the love of my husband (the asshole). It was discovered because of a man that loved me and let me go. Why did he let me go? Because he was smart. :)
But at the end of the day, I am only adorable, exhaustible and conquering because of this man. He is why I smile a sly smile once a day. It's a smile that's private. It's a smile that's ours. Thank you.
Does this discovery make me tragic? It's only tragic if I can't honor him and who he loves. It's only tragic if I can't admit that what I am is who I will always be because of him. Do I give credit to my husband? Well shit, of course I do. He's had to put up with me for way too long NOT to get credit. He is the unknown hero here.
He has held my hand when I needed it held.
He has picked me up when I've fallen.
He has tried to make me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry.
But at the end of the day, I am only me because of who I've allowed in my heart. It's those people that I honor and thank. Thank you.
Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is Friday. Tomorrow I will still wake up and be exactly who I've always been. Just a girl that can make it through any day, no matter how shitty it was, with a smile and a moment to be thankful for.
I'm calling it....it's done. :)
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
It could be your spouse. It could be your friend. It could be a member of your immediate family. But to be loved so completely and known?
I have.
It didn't happen until after high school. I had lived such a good life so far. I had come into my own. I had become the type of girl that I wanted to be for the rest of my life. I wasn't someone to be pushed around. I thought I knew everything there needed to be known about me.
I was wrong.
What I didn't know was I was interesting. I was deep. There was so much more to me than what was on the surface. I cried when I laughed and it was adorable. When I was afraid of something, all I needed was somebody to hold my hand and go with me. I could accomplish anything I put my mind to.
What might be surprising to some people, this wasn't discovered because of the love of my husband (the asshole). It was discovered because of a man that loved me and let me go. Why did he let me go? Because he was smart. :)
But at the end of the day, I am only adorable, exhaustible and conquering because of this man. He is why I smile a sly smile once a day. It's a smile that's private. It's a smile that's ours. Thank you.
Does this discovery make me tragic? It's only tragic if I can't honor him and who he loves. It's only tragic if I can't admit that what I am is who I will always be because of him. Do I give credit to my husband? Well shit, of course I do. He's had to put up with me for way too long NOT to get credit. He is the unknown hero here.
He has held my hand when I needed it held.
He has picked me up when I've fallen.
He has tried to make me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry.
But at the end of the day, I am only me because of who I've allowed in my heart. It's those people that I honor and thank. Thank you.
Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is Friday. Tomorrow I will still wake up and be exactly who I've always been. Just a girl that can make it through any day, no matter how shitty it was, with a smile and a moment to be thankful for.
I'm calling it....it's done. :)
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
5/5/10
A Memory and Another Clue
Over the past couple of days, I've given some examples of some people that are in my life that make me who I am. Today, I'm going to share a memory, a moment, a day that changed my life forever. As usual, I'm going to initial the name to protect the azzhole. :)
It was my Sophomore year. I had been going out with my husband for a couple months. We were still brand new but a couple months in teen-land is like an eternity. I remember it like it was yesterday. A popular guy. A guy that everybody wanted had finally began to act "interested" in me. The only problem? I had a boyfriend. What did I do?
No brainer! I broke up with my boyfriend dammit! I had my eye on this popular guy for over a year and by god, if he was interested...so was I.
Was it true love? Did we bask in our love? Hell no. I'll tell ya, it was anything BUT! J (popular guy) seemed surprised that I would break up with my boyfriend for him. Was he honored? (Imagine me pigsnorting right now)
J (popular guy): I'm not ready for a relationship. I thought we could just mess around.
My response went something like this: You're kidding right? You'll never have me. You lost your chance.
And that was the day that I went from innocent, trusting Jeanie to bitchy, demands respect Jean. I could feel a switch inside me flip. I knew from that moment for the rest of my life, I would NEVER be someone that just got messed around with. I would be respected. If I wasn't, I would walk away without ever looking back. I've stuck to that rule since that day. I've broken quite a few hearts. I've broken quite a few spirits as well.
I can give him credit for creating this person I am. I wouldn't change it for a million dollars. I can see moments thereafter that would've broken me if it weren't for J (popular guy). Thanks azzhole!
Most of you old high school friends might take a guess at who J (popular guy) was. I've mentioned the story before and did include the name. I need to clarify though. I have no hard feelings. I don't harbor murderous thoughts toward him. The remainder of my high school with J (popular guy) was uneventful. We became friends. It was almost like a torture that I was always a no-no. I would be nothing but a friend to this guy and he knew it. And at the end of the day and our time in high school, it was nice to be his friend and not be another girl he messed around with.
So happy Wednesday people! Do you have a moment that changed you forever? Do you have a memory that defines who you've become? I actually have a couple but they all revolve around the fact that I am who I am for a reason....and I like it that way.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
It was my Sophomore year. I had been going out with my husband for a couple months. We were still brand new but a couple months in teen-land is like an eternity. I remember it like it was yesterday. A popular guy. A guy that everybody wanted had finally began to act "interested" in me. The only problem? I had a boyfriend. What did I do?
No brainer! I broke up with my boyfriend dammit! I had my eye on this popular guy for over a year and by god, if he was interested...so was I.
Was it true love? Did we bask in our love? Hell no. I'll tell ya, it was anything BUT! J (popular guy) seemed surprised that I would break up with my boyfriend for him. Was he honored? (Imagine me pigsnorting right now)
J (popular guy): I'm not ready for a relationship. I thought we could just mess around.
My response went something like this: You're kidding right? You'll never have me. You lost your chance.
And that was the day that I went from innocent, trusting Jeanie to bitchy, demands respect Jean. I could feel a switch inside me flip. I knew from that moment for the rest of my life, I would NEVER be someone that just got messed around with. I would be respected. If I wasn't, I would walk away without ever looking back. I've stuck to that rule since that day. I've broken quite a few hearts. I've broken quite a few spirits as well.
I can give him credit for creating this person I am. I wouldn't change it for a million dollars. I can see moments thereafter that would've broken me if it weren't for J (popular guy). Thanks azzhole!
Most of you old high school friends might take a guess at who J (popular guy) was. I've mentioned the story before and did include the name. I need to clarify though. I have no hard feelings. I don't harbor murderous thoughts toward him. The remainder of my high school with J (popular guy) was uneventful. We became friends. It was almost like a torture that I was always a no-no. I would be nothing but a friend to this guy and he knew it. And at the end of the day and our time in high school, it was nice to be his friend and not be another girl he messed around with.
So happy Wednesday people! Do you have a moment that changed you forever? Do you have a memory that defines who you've become? I actually have a couple but they all revolve around the fact that I am who I am for a reason....and I like it that way.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
5/4/10
Here Are Some More Clues
Okay, so yesterday I gave some clues as to why I am the way I am. There was some confusion at the end if I wasn't done. Note, I am never done. Hasn't the fact that I haven't ran out of things to say on this here blog proved I am never done?
So, continuing.
My father. He's always thought I wasn't funny. He is also the one that passed on the eye roll gene to me. Funny thing is, whenever I rolled my eyes at HIM, he wanted to slap me. One thing about my father is, he'd rather be on his couch, watching his TV than anywhere else. He has his priorities and he isn't afraid to grumble when your priorities don't match his. With that quality, he has no problem saying out loud thoughts....even though they really should've remained silent.
Father: K's coach needs to shut the hell up!
Me: Dad! Her husband is right behind us.
Father: You don't think he agrees?
Me: Well maybe but that doesn't mean he won't defend her.
Father: If he does, I probably won't be able to hear him cause his wife won't shut the hell up.
Me: You're gonna make me burn some bridges today, aren't you?
Father: I've been listening to this lady scream at K for over a year. Burn baby, BURN.
My mother, you would think is the extinguisher in the relationship. Nope! She hasn't changed a thing. She knows perfectly well what she's doing to annoy my father. She is also the one woman in my life that I'm not afraid to say no to and not feel bad about. She and I have an eery relationship. We are alike in more ways than I'd like to admit. She also throws the guilt and the little spikes of disappointment like a pro.
Mother: I signed M up for a 4 hour babysitting class.
Me: What? When?
Mother: It's at the YMCA on a Saturday morning.
Me: Um....cancel that.
Mother: M said the same thing.
Me: Well jeez mom, I'm just barely getting my Saturdays back and you're signing her up for stuff?
Mother: It's all about you, isn't it?
Me: No, it's about trying to wake your 12 year old granddaughter up on a Saturday. Are you gonna do it?
Mother: No, I signed her up, you can handle the other stuff.
Me: Of course, seriously, unsign her up.
Mother: Fine! I just thought since you went back to work and "expect" M to babysit when you're not there....she might want to know how.
{{ZING}} Ah yes, that's my mother. I do love her so. :)
My sister. I rarely have conversations with her these days. She's very busy being a great mother and there ain't nothing wrong with that. Growing up, we hated each other. We couldn't tolerate a minute of each other's company. What I've learned from her is patience. When I had my girls and realized that they are the EXACT difference in age as my sister and I, I thought I was doomed. Well, I am doomed. My girls hate each other too. Well, K doesn't but she sure helps out M, giving her reasons to hate her. Now I'm not saying this is my sister's fault. My daughter M is kinda like my sister. She's sensitive, she's smart and she's logical. I appreciate my sister more because of the similarities. I pay attention to the detail of an argument between my daughters. I make sure I don't let a fight go without consequences. At the end of the day though, they still argue, they still hate each other. But what my sister has taught me is no matter what, there is and was always love there. It never goes away and it'll always be there when you need it desperately. See? Patience.
My friend G. Oh yah, she's my little dose of crazy and even bigger dose of reality. She's not afraid to tell me the truth....no matter how much it hurts. We all need friends like that. I once got a haircut. I asked G if she liked it. G said, "Kind of but I like it longer." Well shit! I was crushed. What was I supposed to do? Hurry up and grow it overnight? But that's my friend G. She has her faults. She has her idiosyncrasies. But most of all, she has my back. She'll never let me make a mistake without saying, "I told ya so!" She'll never let me fall without saying, "You got dirt on your ass." She has shown me what it means to have somebody I can depend on. I never feel used. I never feel slighted. I just feel loved. And that is what a friend is supposed to do.
I have many friends. Friends that I've known since I was a tween like my daughter. Friends that I made promises to and still, to this day, I've kept. Friends that at a moments notice, they'd hop on an airplane and rescue me....if I needed rescuing. I'm a very lucky girl.
So today, on this lovely Tuesday, worthy of a yellow tube top, think of who you can blame for the person you've become. And for the confused one....this ain't done but I am done for today. Have a great day.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
So, continuing.
My father. He's always thought I wasn't funny. He is also the one that passed on the eye roll gene to me. Funny thing is, whenever I rolled my eyes at HIM, he wanted to slap me. One thing about my father is, he'd rather be on his couch, watching his TV than anywhere else. He has his priorities and he isn't afraid to grumble when your priorities don't match his. With that quality, he has no problem saying out loud thoughts....even though they really should've remained silent.
Father: K's coach needs to shut the hell up!
Me: Dad! Her husband is right behind us.
Father: You don't think he agrees?
Me: Well maybe but that doesn't mean he won't defend her.
Father: If he does, I probably won't be able to hear him cause his wife won't shut the hell up.
Me: You're gonna make me burn some bridges today, aren't you?
Father: I've been listening to this lady scream at K for over a year. Burn baby, BURN.
My mother, you would think is the extinguisher in the relationship. Nope! She hasn't changed a thing. She knows perfectly well what she's doing to annoy my father. She is also the one woman in my life that I'm not afraid to say no to and not feel bad about. She and I have an eery relationship. We are alike in more ways than I'd like to admit. She also throws the guilt and the little spikes of disappointment like a pro.
Mother: I signed M up for a 4 hour babysitting class.
Me: What? When?
Mother: It's at the YMCA on a Saturday morning.
Me: Um....cancel that.
Mother: M said the same thing.
Me: Well jeez mom, I'm just barely getting my Saturdays back and you're signing her up for stuff?
Mother: It's all about you, isn't it?
Me: No, it's about trying to wake your 12 year old granddaughter up on a Saturday. Are you gonna do it?
Mother: No, I signed her up, you can handle the other stuff.
Me: Of course, seriously, unsign her up.
Mother: Fine! I just thought since you went back to work and "expect" M to babysit when you're not there....she might want to know how.
{{ZING}} Ah yes, that's my mother. I do love her so. :)
My sister. I rarely have conversations with her these days. She's very busy being a great mother and there ain't nothing wrong with that. Growing up, we hated each other. We couldn't tolerate a minute of each other's company. What I've learned from her is patience. When I had my girls and realized that they are the EXACT difference in age as my sister and I, I thought I was doomed. Well, I am doomed. My girls hate each other too. Well, K doesn't but she sure helps out M, giving her reasons to hate her. Now I'm not saying this is my sister's fault. My daughter M is kinda like my sister. She's sensitive, she's smart and she's logical. I appreciate my sister more because of the similarities. I pay attention to the detail of an argument between my daughters. I make sure I don't let a fight go without consequences. At the end of the day though, they still argue, they still hate each other. But what my sister has taught me is no matter what, there is and was always love there. It never goes away and it'll always be there when you need it desperately. See? Patience.
My friend G. Oh yah, she's my little dose of crazy and even bigger dose of reality. She's not afraid to tell me the truth....no matter how much it hurts. We all need friends like that. I once got a haircut. I asked G if she liked it. G said, "Kind of but I like it longer." Well shit! I was crushed. What was I supposed to do? Hurry up and grow it overnight? But that's my friend G. She has her faults. She has her idiosyncrasies. But most of all, she has my back. She'll never let me make a mistake without saying, "I told ya so!" She'll never let me fall without saying, "You got dirt on your ass." She has shown me what it means to have somebody I can depend on. I never feel used. I never feel slighted. I just feel loved. And that is what a friend is supposed to do.
I have many friends. Friends that I've known since I was a tween like my daughter. Friends that I made promises to and still, to this day, I've kept. Friends that at a moments notice, they'd hop on an airplane and rescue me....if I needed rescuing. I'm a very lucky girl.
So today, on this lovely Tuesday, worthy of a yellow tube top, think of who you can blame for the person you've become. And for the confused one....this ain't done but I am done for today. Have a great day.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
3/10/10
The Big Picture
I'm dedicating this post to a friend of mine. It could probably apply to a lot of my friends so feel free to think that I'm talking to you. I promise I won't write a song titled, "You're so vain." :)
The Big Picture. What am I talking about? Well, I think every day there is something that defines that day. It could be someone that said hi to you. It could be someone that made you mad. It could even be a mere smile from a stranger. The Big Picture. It's the ability to find that one thing about your day that either changed you or made you stop and think. Now I know a lot of people would say that they don't have time to stop and smell the roses but you really do.
At the beginning of 2010, I decided to live my life differently. Don't fix it if it ain't broke. Don't sweat the small stuff. And finally, always look for the big picture. I've managed to continue this "resolution" of sorts so far and I hope I continue it.
I can probably count on my one hand the amount of people that have my back. They would never leave me in my time of need. They would never tell me a lie to me to spare any hurt feelings. They would never stab me in the back. I won't name any of these people off but again, if you want, you can think I'm talking about you. I don't look at the amount of friends I can claim and feel loved. I look at the amount of friends that claim me and feel loved. That's my big picture. To have somebody that trusts me more than I can imagine is my big picture.
To be able to live up to that responsibility without even thinking twice is worth more than its weight in gold. I never feel used. I never feel taken advantage of. I never feel unappreciated. I feel loved. In my opinion, your friend can come in the form of the dreaded spouse, the parent, the inattentive sister, the overworked friend or the friend that handed you Kleenex after Kleenex when you were broken into a million little pieces. They've seen you at your worst and they've seen you at your best. And through worse or best, they didn't see a difference because they saw the big picture. Their big picture was just you.
What's your big picture?
I bet if you really thought about it, it would be a simple find. You might even be surprised that its been there almost your entire life. You just didn't take the time to look at the big picture.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
The Big Picture. What am I talking about? Well, I think every day there is something that defines that day. It could be someone that said hi to you. It could be someone that made you mad. It could even be a mere smile from a stranger. The Big Picture. It's the ability to find that one thing about your day that either changed you or made you stop and think. Now I know a lot of people would say that they don't have time to stop and smell the roses but you really do.
At the beginning of 2010, I decided to live my life differently. Don't fix it if it ain't broke. Don't sweat the small stuff. And finally, always look for the big picture. I've managed to continue this "resolution" of sorts so far and I hope I continue it.
I can probably count on my one hand the amount of people that have my back. They would never leave me in my time of need. They would never tell me a lie to me to spare any hurt feelings. They would never stab me in the back. I won't name any of these people off but again, if you want, you can think I'm talking about you. I don't look at the amount of friends I can claim and feel loved. I look at the amount of friends that claim me and feel loved. That's my big picture. To have somebody that trusts me more than I can imagine is my big picture.
To be able to live up to that responsibility without even thinking twice is worth more than its weight in gold. I never feel used. I never feel taken advantage of. I never feel unappreciated. I feel loved. In my opinion, your friend can come in the form of the dreaded spouse, the parent, the inattentive sister, the overworked friend or the friend that handed you Kleenex after Kleenex when you were broken into a million little pieces. They've seen you at your worst and they've seen you at your best. And through worse or best, they didn't see a difference because they saw the big picture. Their big picture was just you.
What's your big picture?
I bet if you really thought about it, it would be a simple find. You might even be surprised that its been there almost your entire life. You just didn't take the time to look at the big picture.
If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
