My Theme Song

Crazy Bitch by Buck cherry. Oh yah, if I died tomorrow, it would play at my funeral as they carried my casket down the aisle. Then everybody would cry because....well, hello! I'm dead. And as they carried my casket back down the aisle, they would play it again. Cause that's how I roll.

Okay, now that that's over. What would your theme song? Would it be sad and sappy? Every funeral I've ever been to, the consensus has been to celebrate the life instead of mourning the loss. Well no shit but what about the next day when the reality of the loss hits you again. I always get hit with the realization that I can't just pick up a phone and say hi. That's what has hurt the most when I lost someone special.

Loss.

It doesn't have to be a death but in a sense, when you lose someone whether it be to circumstances or because there wasn't any room in your life anymore for that person, it still feels like a death. I don't handle loss very well. It's hard for me to let go of people that have been intricate parts of my life. I fight tooth and nail to keep them close until it's dead and black. When in reality, I should've said goodbye way before the blackness and death happened. Maybe better things might've happened if I had.

I've reconnected with so many people I thought I lost. About 90% of them are great reconnections but the other 10%? Yah, shoulda just kept on walking and never said hi. They were probably toxic before which is why they're still toxic to me. Oh and I'm not stupid enough to realize that I was probably toxic to them as well. Some people shouldn't be together when it starts to sour. Some people shoulda kept walking...shit, they shoulda ran as fast as their feet could take em.

But don't you agree that the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" of life is too tempting NOT to explore? Why do we do this to ourselves? I've never been a person that regrets anything in my life. I don't even like to use the word mistake very much either. Those two words basically mean the same thing if you think of it. But what do you call it when you wish you woulda just kept walking?

An oversight of being a stupid and dreamy female?

What if that oversight ended up hurting the other person too?

Even worse, what if the other person is happy you didn't keep walking?

Oh, I'm all over the place on this, aren't I?

Okay, changing the subject. I'm going back "home" with my family for a visit with family. My father-in-law isn't healthy and when I visited before, something told me to convince my husband to visit. That "something" was correct as he isn't doing so well. All I can hope is the procedures and surgeries being preformed on him prior to our visit fix him and he's good when we get there. I have every hope and prayer (allowable to a non-church girl) that this will be a happy visit. I also have a fear from past experiences that our time is short and our good intentions of visiting will be too little, too late. I was never a fan of my father-in-law. He was mean and nasty to everybody. In his old age, the miracle of medication has changed that. My father-in-law has always loved me from day one. He calls me "Gina." One, because he says it's his name for me and nobody elses. Two, because I swear, he doesn't know my name isn't "Gina." :)

Hold on "Dad," we'll be there soon. "Crazy Bitch" is coming home and bringing your son with her.

Happy Thursday! It's almost Friday.

If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.