i believe in a lot of things but what I believe in most is there's always a plan and I expect that plan to okay out.

2/2/2016 Tuesday So it's the first Tuesday of the month. What does that mean? Well Conrad has a SWAT training day and low and behold my 2nd born decided to pop a low grade fever and have nausea. She's about 5 days to becoming 14 but in my mind, I couldn't just pick her up and let her fend for herself. I picked her up in my white jacket and uniform and she burst into tears. I get it, she doesn't feel good. I burst into hysterics if I spring a 99.2° fever so I told her I'd figure something out. Conrad was out. Megan offered to run homd to skip classes. So I texted my Rph's and clued em in and said I'd be in when I knew someone could be there with her. I think I managed to douse myself all day today with antibacterial gel and did the same to Megan. I mean what was I thinking??? I called my daughter to be excused to come home who if she gets thus, we are fucked. We are checking ketones, debating on an ER visit for fluids and mother of the year here thought that was a good idea. Luckily, my crew excuses me until the rush hours set in around 3:30 until my original schedule ended at 7pm. Can I tell you how relieved I was? Lemme tell ya how relieved Katie was when she saw me hanging my jacjet up and folding my pants. Apparently the idea of having her sister home to be her caretaker wasn't gonna really pay off. I do love my baby still needs me no matter how hard she tries to convince me she doesn't. I'll take whatever I can get. I'm sure mom's would agree. It was soup, Gatorade and was truly a lay on the couch sleeping with the help of phenergan kinda day for my baby girl. Getting home after 7pm, she looked a bit better and I can only pray she wakes up the same way tomorrow. Been doing a lot of praying lately. I've never been very "churchy" since I was a kid and my parents did their duty making sure I was saved. Conrad and I lost all our faith in the Catholic Church when they demanded $3,000 for a wedding and a mandatory marriage retreat that'd cost us $1,500. We walked out thinking not good thoughts about the church I was raised with and lived. A religion my husband received the sacraments while at boot camp. You know the real kick in the ass? When Megan was 3 months and we went to get her baptized by the Catholic Church. We had our god parents all picked out too. My older and only sister Terri and Conrad's younger and only brother Paul. I don't know if it was when he wouldn't even look at us or shake our hands when we introduced each other or him actually saying because we got married in a Methodist church by a Lutheran priest our daughter a bastard in the lords eyes. A bastard that would only be allowed into hell because we were essentially NOT married because it wasnt the Catholic check that blessed our union...for $4,000. Let's just say I walked away in tears and Conrad walked away wanting to kick that priests ass. I remember holding on tight with Megan that day and I also remember Conrad holding me while I wept for what felt like an entire day. But we never went back. But back to the praying. I can't believe the God I believe in would turn its back on us so I pray. I pray every night I say goodnight to Megan. I pray for my California family we lost this month over the years that remind us of how much we miss and forget they're not alive. I pray for my dad (in law) who had a procedure on Monday that we'd questioned its worth before the same procedure almost took him life. I pray that the hospital he goes too knows what they were doing needed to be done to prolong his life. His life, his legacy, his smile, his laughter, we prayed they understood these things were more important to us than a procedure that almost killed him 4 years ago. So call me a hypocrite or a family doomed to hell because the Catholic Church said so. God listens. God has a plan and I believe that plan is already written but the power of prayer works no matter what the outcome is. Prayer is healing. It's not magic or an illusion. I think we'd all agree that when we pray, our soul comes out feeling good again. I hope you all are being comforted somehow and can feel the warmth of something beyond what we can visibly see. And know that if you ever ask for a call to prayer, you've got it and I hope you can feel it envelope your. Stay strong and we're all in this together. ❤️ If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.

Happy with my handful!

January 29, 2016 So this year in July I'm gonna be 42. In September I'll be married for 20 years. None of these things are bothering me, I swear. What's bothering me is the reality of mortality. I didn't know Natalie Cole, David Bowie, Celine Dion's husband, Alan Rickman and anybody else who died over the last couple weeks. I wasn't crying or at candle light vigils making believe I was heartbroken. What bothered me most is their ages. Is it just me or doesn't mid 60's seem too soon? Or am I just living in lala land thinking that 90 is the appropriate age to finally accept death? I'm not old! I'm not knocking on whatever door I'm sent when I do die. I won't go fighting though. I'm not ashamed of anything or how I've chosen to live my life. I have secrets. I also am an open book. Yes yes, I know that doesn't make sense but a person has to have a few secrets in her life but she also has to be an open book so the people around me know exactly what they're getting. I have a handful of friends that I am proud to have. They don't judge, they wouldn't let me do anything stupid but at the end of the day, these friends are mine and by god I'm perfectly happy I can count on one hand those true friends. I was asked what that means for the other people I am friends with and its a simple concept. If I like you then I'm gonna be your friend. I'll defend you, I'll help you, I'll be your friend. What's the difference? Well somewhere along the line, if you're that friend not in my hand, you've fucked me over. You've made the decision that I don't belong at your lunch table or thought you found a better table. I won't argue with you, I won't even point out your mistake of fucking me over. If I don't like you, you're gonna know it. If I talk shit behind your back and it somehow gets back to you, I'll be the one person saying, "Yep! That's what I said! And here's why..." The last couple of months I've had to craft almost a 2 page list of days I'm not available to work. 2 freaking pages. There's not one thing on those 2 pages that involve me or something I can call mine. It's a busy year for us and by us let's just be honest and say us is the girls. So of course after the last couple of months both me and my husband have thought, "What about me?" Selfish? Maybe. But I think most would say it wasn't cause we need just as much attention or a reason to be on a list for unavailability dammit! My husband works extremely hard and by God I think he's amazing and appreciate him. I work part time and that's a rule set by both me AND my hard-working husband because if I do anymore it consumes me. I come home thinking about work. I come home complaining about work. I worry something won't get done. It's taken me over 15 years to finally find the magic number but 24 is it. I'm not stopping robberies, solving murders or diagnosing diseases but I am coming in contact with people who I've known for awhile. Some are sick with the normal crap. Some are dying. Some are trying to fill their Norco early and hoping I'll do it. (I never do by the way) I also care about my co-workers. Yes, even the ones who shall remain nameless that attended a Trump rally. I really care about those people. Over the last month it was suggested to try and step back from that too. It's not a bitch thing. It's a self preservation thing. And you know what? My husband has totally noticed that I come home smiling. I clock in, do my job as best as I can and how they expect me to, and clock out. I'm not gonna care anymore when I'm not at work. Nobody's paying me for that time but both my kids and husband are. He reminded me that I'm good at what I do and it has nothing to do with how much time I spend there or the relationships I try to grow from there. He reminded me that it was that exact same mistake I made 9 years ago when I came home crying and quit the next day. We all know I'd be severely depressed if I didn't work and I truly thank the fact that I have a job and have customers that I wanna help and co-workers that I appreciate and they return that when I'm there. Did any of this make sense? If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.

Undeniable

I rarely lie. If I say something, 98% of the time, I am being truthful and completely mean what I've said. Examples? K and I had to run to Zales today at the Allen Outlets and lemme tell ya, being at any outlet on the weekend is probably #1 on my list of "Don't wanna do." I ran into Gwen from my old Target days. We did the glance, look away, glance again, oh my god it's you! She looks fantastic. I gave her the biggest hug. Not one of those hugs you're thinking about. Those hugs you give and before you stop hugging you make that conscious decision not to let go yet. There's not that many moments in your life for a hug like that. I can tell you there's been a handful of hugs I decided I needed just a little longer of a hug. I've hugged my sister like that. I've hugged my mom like that. And yah, I've even hugged my husband like that. It's an undeniable need to stop time and hold onto that one moment before it's gone. I haven't seen Gwen for almost 3 years and I just knew seeing her today was truly a gift I'd probably not get again for awhile. Now back to "rarely lying." Megan's car screams. No seriously, it screams! The belt needs replaced. That's all I got. It screams because it needs a new belt. It's been doing this for a long time. In fact, our neighbors use it as an alarm clock of sorts. They hear that noise and that's a cue to go to bus stop, wake up or start getting ready. Every morning at 6:30am, Monday through Friday, Megan has either started her car or there's a pack of wild boars being massacred. What pisses me off here is I guarantee you if my husband's car made this noise when he was in high school it's been fixed before it made that sound a second time. So tonight I told one of those rare lies that got me this text. "I have off on Monday so I promise it'll be fixed before she has to go to school on Tuesday. It only took him 7 months to make that promise and it took one of my "rare" lies to get it done. I'd apologize to my neighbors but I'm gonna wait until Tuesday morning before I throw all my eggs in a basket. There's still plenty of time for his "rare" lie of, "I think I fixed it." We've been duped by that quite a few times. My husband is quite handy though. He's fixed quite a few things that would've otherwise broke us. Lately though he's decided he doesn't want to be handy anymore. Wherein before if our fence blew over he'd be out there the next day pouring concrete and reassembling that fence. Or our air conditioner breaks and he's up in the attic sweating his ass off changing something. Or even more miraculous, our TV screen looks like we should have 3D glasses on to enjoy the show, he's solder ironing something and voila, it's fixed. Now? We have a new fence that cost us a fortune, our A/C unit was replaced which was a small fortune and he honestly just threw away a TV I'm convinced wasn't garbage. I get it, you're like Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon and are getting too old for this shit but can we maybe space out these small fortunes you spend because you don't wanna get your worn out hands dirty? And if your daughter is driving a car that screams for over 7 months, at least be honest with yourself knowing you'd never of let that happen to you 25 years ago. "Kinda fixed it," my ass. I will say this though, he is extremely hard working and would do anything to get us what we needed. He always answers any want or wish with a, "Get it!" My M actually said the other day how dad has made any expectations she's had for a boyfriend or husband way outta reach. She didn't say it because of something dad bought or gave to one of us. She said it after watching him lean down for a kiss with all his gear on and all I did was pucker my lips. That's my husband y'all! He's done nothing but undeniably love me for over 26 years and I'll take his Danny Glover impersonation every day for just that reason. Now who wants a hug??? If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.

I used to love this whole blog stuff!!

So I took a stroll down memory lane today and one of the roads I took lead me to this blog. Oh man, I can't believe how many posts I have. Can I talk or what? You know how this feels? It feels like that friend you run into after a decade has passed and you feel so exhausted at how much you have to talk about to catch them up on you and your life. All of that, PLUS the underlying guilt you feel for letting all the time pass between you. I have quite a few friends I don't see regularly. I have about a handful that can start up like no time has passed at all. This blog is not that friend. This blog already feels like that one friend that keeps giving me the stink eye. Screw you blog! Take that guilt and blow it out your ass. Anywho!! My husband is still my husband. My daughter M still has type 1 diabetes but still kicking it's ass. My younger daughter K is still my mini me but has came up with a few things to confuse me. I am still that sweet and fun loving girl you all remember. (I can't believe I managed to type that out) I still work part time as a pharmacy technician. I make pretty good money but don't feel like work owns my ass. Reading my past posts I can honestly say I'm in a much better place when it comes to work. (Shut up y'all, I'm much better!!) I have my moments but who doesn't?? I'd like to think if I went missing, almost everybody who saw me at work, would throw a tantrum. See?!?! Sweet and fun loving dammit! M is a junior now and doing everything a junior does. She drives. She has a boyfriend. She sleeps all the time. She's always asking for money. Another thing about M is she never goes to bed without giving me a kiss and she never leaves for school without telling me goodbye and holding my hand. I'd say I couldn't be prouder of her but that'd be a huge lie. She is constantly showing me and her dad how great a woman she is and will continue to be. As some of you know, we were thrown a curve ball almost 5 years ago with M but as I said 5 years ago, I'll say it again, Diabetes won't define who M is. She is everything I've ever wanted her to be and it had nothing to do with diabetes. K is a 7th grader and probably has a better social like than M and I combined. She still plays soccer. She still doesn't know when to shut up. She still tries to be the funniest person in the room even if that room isn't looking for a comedy act. (My dad is totally laughing at me right now because this description could've been my description 27 years ago) If there's one thing about K that is all hers, it's her dedication to whatever is put in her way and she's told she couldn't do it. I'll admit, I'm usually the one telling her she can't do it so I imagine it's her way to make mom wrong. She's proven me wrong a lot over the last couple of years. Guys, she placed 3rd place in the hurdles last week! Hurdles! She had been a forward in soccer since the age of 7 and this last season she tried out a defender position and freaking rocked! I love this about K though. She's never afraid to try new and scary stuff. This girl of ours isn't somebody you want to run into in a dark alley. She is a beast. My husband still works too much but that's not a complaint. As you can see, these girls are bleeding us dry and he adores his girls and loves to give them the things they need or want. Before anybody jumps on me and says we're raising spoiled brats, shut it. They're honor roll students. They won't be treated rough or differently until they prove they deserve that kind of treatment. Trust me, having a dad who is a police officer, isn't an easy ride. He automatically considers them guilty rather than being innocent. He is convinced that any day now we are going to be blindsided by a teenager. I'm also a little surprised how easy it's been so far. Don't tell him I said this but when my girls have made a mistake, I've buried it deep from him. Like when K broke her iPhone screen...for the 3rd time. Or the time K lost her soccer ball...while playing an actual game. Oh I got tons of these! It's just easier than letting him put his badge on and acting like a cop instead of "daddy." Okay, so, you've been caught up. I kinda want to keep up on this blog so hopefully I won't be doing this dance in another 3 years but if I do, hold the guilt trip and bite me. This girl has an 8-5 tomorrow. If I go to sleep now, I'll have about 7 hours of sleep. Just enough to be my sweet and fun loving self. If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.

Sowwy I've been MIA...

So, it's been awhile. Sorry about that. I can't really say it's because I've been so busy. It's actually the complete opposite. It seems like everybody in my family is busy and I'm just trying to find something worthy of appearing productive. I am no longer employed at Target. I'm gonna refrain from the story because it's not really worth my effort to explain it....plus, it'll just make me mad. Let's just say, Buzz proved to be exactly who he always was. I will always love Target as a company though. I met some pretty fantastic people there and plan on keeping in touch with them. Buzz will never see my prescription money again and if I never see him again, that'll make me happy. I was off for about 6 weeks this summer and quickly realized, I am not cut out to stay home. I will literally sit on my ass and then be depressed about it when I go to bed. Do you ever wake up and all you really wait for is it to be acceptable to go to bed again? Well, that was me for 6 weeks. I wouldn't say I was clinically depressed but prolly a little self-diagnosed depressed. :) Over the summer, the family went to Maui for the wedding of my brother-in-law to a girl I'm very excited to call my sister. It was a beautiful affair. Expensive as fuck, but beautiful none the less. It was a family reunion of all of my favorite family members. No drama. No fights. Just a lot of laughs and fun. The hiccup of the trip was in order for us to afford the trip we drove 16 hours to Phoenix to catch a flight to Maui. Not bad driving there but oh my god, coming home was a battle. NOT a good way to end a relaxing vacation. In fact, I wouldn't recommend it to my worst enemy....or Buzz. :) My diabetic wonder went to Camp Sweeney again for 2nd session and had a blast. Made a lot of friends and came home with no boyfriends. My youngest mini-me went to New Hampshire with my mom for 3 weeks and visited with my sister and her brood. The mini-me has also graduated to competitive soccer and is now in Liverpool. Yet another expense added onto the list. In closing of this post, I've now been hired at Tom Thumb, a Safeway company. It's the same place I started when we moved to Texas while my husband searched for a police department. Same old boss which is quite the perk cause I absolutely adore him and his spazzy way of managing. He's definitely not a Buzz...kill. So I don't know if posting on here will be normal but I'm gonna try my best to keep it up. Next post will be about my 20th high school reunion.... If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.

Let it go Louie!

Hi everybody! It's been awhile and a lot has happened but I won't be updating you on the past 7 months, I promise.

Today I wanna talk about the past. You ever have a couple days where the same lesson keeps happening over and over again so you think some cosmic karma is trying to hit you over the head. "Hey! Pay attention!" I had my best friend/brother in law down over the past 4 days. We have a history longer than the history I share with my husband (his actual brother). Him and I have experienced some life lessons together that still affect us today.

I was watching Gene Simmons Family Jewels yesterday. This guy has been with the same woman for over 28 years but finally just married her. He didn't believe in the sanctity of marriage but also believed since he wasn't married, he could cheat on her whenever his dick pointed him in the wrong direction. So the episodes were of his transformation from a playboy to a married man. I was crying the entire time. Hey, I'm a sap. I cry at weddings. Something was bugging the crap out of me though. All his friends kept saying things so unsupportive to him. It was like all of these "close friends" were basically reminding him what a loser he was. Here is this guy that is taking this giant leap into a new life and all his friends and family are poking him with his past. Why? It was their wedding reception and people were toasting him like it was a roast. Let it go Louie! What we were doesn't make us what we are!

Right?

My father has a tradition. It's a holiday tradition, usually done over dinner. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, you name it, if we are eating an elaborate dinner as a family, he's keeping up the tradition. What's the tradition? He tells the same stories of my mistakes and blunders. Sure, some of em are funny as hell but most of em aren't me anymore. How many times must I be reminded what I horrible child I was or how many hairs he lost with me growing up? I'm ::age omitted:: years old dangit! Let it go Louie! I'm not that girl anymore. Sure, I still have a smidge of a "me" complex where I sometimes think, "What about me?" but I'm a mother and a wife. I am aware that it's not all about me. It can't be.

I think it bothers me though because it means I'll never be forgiven. My mistakes will always be my middle name. The definition of my life will be every lie, every mistake and every selfish act I did. That's not fair! I don't do that to people. Do I?

Shit, I totally do.

Since 1992, my date for my high school reunion was always going to be my brother in law/best friend. Why? Well, my husband hated EVERYBODY in my class. Why would I bring him to my reunion? He seemed a little hurt by that when I informed him that I didn't wanna bring him. Of course, as I considered it, he said something reminiscent of 20 years prior like, "Nobody better fuck with me though or look at you!" But who am I to expect others to forgive and forget my past when I can't even do the same for my husband? Forgiveness doesn't condone behavior, it gives a freedom to go forward. I guess I've got a date to my high school reunion to ask. :)

So as I have a lot of things I wish people would forgive me for, I too need to forgive and as I say, "Let it go Louie!" I will try not to bring up a past behavior that hasn't resurfaced since that day. I will no longer allow a moment that still makes me cry when I speak of it to control me. I will almost always look at you as you are today, not how you were yesterday. I will embrace who I am today and accept that what happened before is what got me here.

I had to say goodbye yesterday and watch my best friend/brother in law leave again. I cried of course but I also felt a sense of relief. All of the things that we had experienced together, been angry about, still to this day tear up about aren't worth the effort. Just the fact that we share em should be enough. We've been giving em so much power all of these years but have never even considered letting em go. Well, no more.

Let it go Louie!


If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.

One thing.

Isn't it funny how one thing can ruin your entire day? And that one thing is some douchebag that has bugged the shit out of you for quite awhile?

Yesterday was one of those monotonous days. Not really busy but I felt like I just couldn't keep up. The phone wouldn't shut up. The fax machine was like permanently ON. Those damn electronic prescriptions just kept coming in. I'd clear those out and BANG, 8 more would pop up.

"Excuse me, you've got 8 new prescriptions in the file....please bend over."

God dammit! Oh and my new pet peeve is new customers. That's not very customer servicey of me but when I ask, "Have you filled here before?" and the answer is, "Um.....I'm not sure." Oh. My. God. I could just throttle the person. And they can tell too because I'm not very good at hiding my annoyance. Considering my annoyance is usually accompanied with a sigh and rolling my eyes as I grab a blank profile to fill out, yah, I'm pretty fucking annoyed.

But my one thing, the ONE THING that gets me more pissed than anything is people that think they're better than me. It's not that they are....cause they're not. It's that they make no qualms about acting like they're better than me. They talk down to you. They talk over you. They don't even bother listening to you. They are the ultimate douchebag of douchebags.

What's your one thing? The one thing that makes you burn with hate? Rage against the law that prevents you from murder? Shake your fist at the employee handbook that clearly states that you can't call a customer out for being an asshole? What would you like to say to them? Here's mine:

Mr. Davidson? I know how to spell Davidson. You sound like a complete idiot when you say, "Like Harley Davidson." You aren't even a smidge cool enough to associate your name with a Harley. I swear to god, if I ever see you outside of work, I plan on being the biggest bitch to you and you will probably cry. And if you do cry, I will just stand there and watch with a smile on my face. And Mr. Davidson? I'd say kiss my ass but you sir aren't even worthy of doing that.

Happy Hump Day! It's my last day before my 4 day weekend. I've got 8 and 1/2 hours. 5with the good pharmacist and 3 and 1/2 with Buzz. My give a shit meter was on empty yesterday at 4pm so today oughta be fun. ;)


If I've offended you or expressed anything you don't agree with, don't worry, I'll probably do it again.